and argument season has already arrived.

America has never been so connected

and divided.

People are losing friendships,

disowning family members, and it's only going to get worse.

I'm Peter Boghossian and I'm an expert

on having impossible conversations.

I'm going to share three simple techniques

you should incorporate to ensure your conversations

are productive.

Sometimes arguments are presented as black and white

and you get lost in a "Yes, it is. No, it isn't" spiral.

Here's something small you can do

to add perspective and have a productive conversation.

Introduce scales.

Simply ask, "On a scale from one to ten,

how confident are you that belief is true?"

This lets you know how entrenched someone is

in their position.

You can also ask for scales on an issue.

For example, you may have heard,

"America is a patriarchy."

and then found this statement bizarre.

That comment usually initiates a "No, it isn't.

Yes, it is." argument.

You can escape this

yes-no dead end by introducing a scale.

Suppose Saudi Arabia is nine out of 10 in patriarchy.

"Where is the U.S. on the same scale?"

Asking for a scale helps break away

from all-or-nothing thinking.

It also gives room for people to move along that scale

without giving up their position entirely.

And if either position moves toward the other,

you know your conversation wasn't meaningless.

When we argue we're asked often angrily or dismissively

for evidence of our claims.

But it's rare to ask,

"What evidence might actually change your mind?"

This question isn't a threat and you're not

telling anyone anything.

You're just inviting someone to question their own beliefs

in a non-threatening way.

Here's how you do it.

First, state their position in a way

they'd enthusiastically agree.

This will ensure you're on the same page.

Then, ask a disconfirmation question.

Ask, "How could that belief be wrong?

I'm not saying it is wrong,

but under what conditions would you change your mind?"

Now you're in a conversation.

Asking the disconfirmation question

is a good-faith way of giving people the space

to consider and self- critique their position.

Who knows? You both may find some common ground

or learn something.

People often confuse the ability

to know something with actually knowing something.

This phenomenon is known as the "unread library effect."

In 2001 researchers asked people to rate

their confidence about how toilets work.

Participants were then asked to explain verbally and give

as much detail as possible.

Then they rated their confidence again.

And you guessed it, this time subjects

admitted to being far less confident.

We can access the library,

but we don't know anything unless we borrow and read

the book.

It's O.K. to not know everything,

but our confidence should scale

with our actual knowledge.

Here's how you can use this in conversation.

Start by admitting you don't know enough

to hold a firm position and ask

for explanations in as much detail as possible.

You might ask, "What do you think?"

"How do you know that?"

If your partner is an expert,

you might both be rewarded with a good lesson.

Otherwise, you might both learn

that you need to learn more.

Improving our conversations is vital

because it enables us to solve shared problems.

We have some very serious problems

that we need to be talking about and generating

solutions to.

But unless we're having conversations,

that's impossible.