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Russia. For decades, the Soviet superpower has been America's number one rival.
There was the Cuban Missile Crisis, meddling in the 2016 elections, and on Twitter, they challenged Tom Cruise to an MMA fight, and nobody can figure out why.
And just when we thought Russia's antics couldn't get any crazier, a few days ago, they pulled this move on the high seas.
We began this evening with a dangerously close call on the high seas between a Russian destroyer and a U.S. warship.
Those ships coming within feet of one another, forcing the Americans to take drastic action to avoid a disastrous collision.
This image capturing just how close the ships came to a catastrophic collision.
As little as 50 feet, according to the U.S. Navy.
This video from the deck of the U.S.S. Chancellorsville showing the Russian destroyer was so close, you could see Russian sailors sunbathing on the deck.
Sweet lord.
Russians are hardcore.
You realize these ships are about to crash into each other.
American soldiers are like, "Prepare for breach!"
And the Russian soldiers are like, "Dmitri, take off your shirt."
"Let's get suntan before we die, yeah.
Don't want to meet Jesus as pasty bitch."
But this is pretty crazy, man.
This is pretty crazy.
A Russian warship basically tried to ram into an American ship in the middle of the ocean.
All right, and let's be honest.
That had to be on purpose.
What other excuse is there?
Do you know how big the ocean is?
You have to really go out of your way to collide with someone.
It's like walking into someone at Ted Cruz's birthday party.
There's no one else there.
You did you it on purpose.
Now the question is, the question is, where would Russia get the balls to play chicken against America in the Pacific?
Well, maybe it's because they've got a new and powerful BFF.
Just as President Trump was meeting with America's most important allies in Europe, two of America's biggest adversaries were holding court in Moscow.
It was a split screen tailor-made by Russian president Vladimir Putin.
Putin hosted Chinese president Xi Jinping.
Xi calling Putin his "best and bosom friend," saying he cherished their deep friendship.
The two enjoying a leisurely boat ride in St. Petersburg yesterday.
That's right. Xi and Putin have gotten so close, they're even taking boat rides together.
And not just a normal boat ride.
Putin even helped Xi recreate that scene from Titanic.
He was like, "Yeah. I'm king of the world!
No. really. China's taking over the world!"
So it's clear, China and Russia are really hitting it off, because you only take a boat ride with someone if you really, really like them, or if they're enslaving you.
But this is "liking."
Oh, and if... if you think Putin giving Xi a boat ride is impressive, wait until you see what Xi gave Putin in return.
The leader's visit also includes some panda diplomacy.
During their summit, Putin and Xi showed off their friendship with a visit to the Moscow Zoo, where they welcomed two new Chinese pandas, a gift from Xi to Russia.
- I mean, China likes you, one of the signs of that, you know... - Alliance?
Good... good alliance and good feelings is to present you with a panda. Russia got two.
That's right. China gave not one, but two pandas to Russia.
Which is huge.
Yeah. 'Cause one panda can't make babies.
Two pandas also can't, but there's hope.
And remember, China only gives pandas to countries when they wish to be close allies with them, right?
They actually call it "Panda Diplomacy."
This is a real thing. Panda Diplomacy.
Not to be confused with Panda Express Diplomacy, where I convince them to let me use the bathroom even though I didn't buy anything.
And technically, this is interesting, technically, China didn't give Russia the pandas, right?
The Russians just get to keep the pandas for a few years.
Yes. Which, by the way, applies to every panda in the world.
Yeah. China owns every single panda at the world.
So at some point they have to go home.
And I guess it's because China doesn't want the pandas forgetting their Chinese roots.
Imagine if you let a panda stay in New Jersey for too long, huh?
Yeah. Then when the panda gets back to China, he's like, "'Ey, what the (bleep) is this bamboo? 'Ey!"
"How about some gabagool or a nice fettuccine? Marone!"
Anyway, I could talk about pandas all day, but the point is, China and Russia are getting super close, and the consequences for America go beyond boat rides and cute bears.
While Russia and China continue to strengthen their economic ties, they're also expanding their military cooperation.
Chinese troops taking part in massive drills with Russian forces last year.
The level of cooperation between Russia and China has not been this high since the mid-1950s.
They are combining forces against us.
They say Russia and China can coordinate cyberattacks and military moves that can knock U.S. forces off balance.
Oh, man. China and Russia teaming up against the United States?
I mean, America could probably handle China... or Russia, but not both at the same time.
Like, imagine if in Rocky IV, Ivan Drago was fighting, and then Jackie Chan jumped in the ring to help him.
Huh? That would be the end of Rocky.
It would be done. There'd be no Rocky V, no Rocky Balboa, no Rocky Goes to Space, no Rocky and the Sorcerer's Stone, and definitely no 50 Shades of Rocky.
None of those movies.
Now, beyond geopolitics, the personal elements of this bromance is probably something that's gonna bug Donald Trump.
Because, don't forget, he wants to be a part of this club.
He loves those dudes.
We know how much he admires Putin.
He talks all the time about he and Xi Jinping are great friends.
So to see his two besties make plans without him, that's... that's got to hurt.
Yeah. And I don't think that he's dealing with his feelings in the most mature way.
U.S. President Donald Trump is threatening new tariffs on another $300 billion in Chinese goods.
This if President Xi Jinping doesn't meet with him at the upcoming G20 Summit.
Wow. Really, Trump?
He's gonna put tariffs on China if Xi doesn't "hang out" with him?
That is so childish.
If you don't come over to my house and play video games, then tariffs.
And I get to be player one the whole time.
And what is it with Trump using tariffs in every legal situation?
Have you guys noticed this? In every situation, Trump is using tariffs now, right?
Illegal immigration. Tariffs on Mexico.
Xi Jinping won't have a playdate? Tariffs on China.
Melania won't hold his hand in public. Tariffs on Slovakia!
But, Donald, I am from Slovenia.
I don't care! Pronounce it any way, still tariffs.
So look, it's clear what's happening here.
President Trump.
You're feeling neglected by President Xi.
But instead of lashing out, why don't you work on your relationship, man?
You know? Forget tariffs. Maybe talk to Xi.
Tell him how you're feeling.
And if that doesn't work, try and spice things up, you know?
Yeah. Dress up as something you know China's really into.
Who could resist?



If You Don't Know, Now You Know: Russia & China | The Daily Show

254 タグ追加 保存
Nina 2019 年 9 月 3 日 に公開
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