You can't.

Cows and nuts are different.

I'm like a convenience vegetarian.

Straight up meat eater.

We did a bacon taste test the other day

and it was the happiest time of my life.

It's got no lactose, no casein, no gluten,

no soy, no cholesterol.

So I don't know what else could be in this.

Doesn't look too bad so far.

It says it melts and stretches.

Why do I have to be told that it's going

to melt and stretch?

Already smells funny.

Starting to second guess it

now that the smell's coming in.

Uh-uh, that's not Swiss cheese.

Oh yeah, it really tastes like cheese.

No it doesn't.

Yeah it does.

Really bad.

I have goose bumps.

Blue cheese and what... and like mucus?

On a sandwich I could imagine

this going really well.

Like that?

Yeah, well, on like a meat sandwich.

I'm so sorry vegans.

Dr. Cow treenut cheese.

I'm not feeling well.

Is Dr. Cow available?

Dr. Cow is a very funny name.

Nuts?

I didn't know you could age nuts.

This is a candle.

Someone just forgot to put a wick in it.

Someone took a lifetime's worth of earwax

and like compounded it.

That's exactly what it looks like,

and now that's really gross that you.

Okay, so this actually has a more cheese-like feel.

Oh man, that smells diabolical.

It smells like kind of sour.

This one's way better than the last one.

No it isn't.

I am so upset to say that it works.

I think this one's way better.

It's still a little mealy and weird.

It really doesn't taste like any sort of cheese,

but it's not bad.

It has hashtag cheese karma, so...

Look at this label!

It says follow your heart.

The liberal packaging really pisses me off.

I'm with you.

It even feels like cheese.

Feel this, it's got like a...

Oh, it got that bounce.

Smells awful.

No.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Mmmm.

Oh-ho-ho.

The consistency is terrible.

Aftertaste wasn't bad though.

Like...

You know how a trampoline feels?

If you took a bite out of that,

that's what this would be.

Yeah, zero out of 10.

Tofutti?

I love these names, man.

This is like my favorite part.

Oh, you don't know Tofutti?

I don't know Tofutti.

Oh, they make a whole line of ice creams,

and other shitty dairy products.

Actually, this smells the most promising.

Why doesn't it taste like anything?

It tastes like the real stuff.

Yeah, I feel like you could fool me with this.

I think it would taste much worse hot though.

I could eat this whole thing.

That's pretty un-offensive.

Treeline cheese.

Treenut cheese.

Aged artisanal treenut cheese.

You could probably put this in someone's bathroom

and they would wash their hands with it.

You know that brand, Crabtree and Evelyn,

they make candles and soaps?

Smells like Play-doh, looks like Play-doh.

It feels like Play-doh.

I feel like if Urban Outfitters sold cheese

this is how it would be packaged.

This is really good.

This is a very pleasing cheese.

It's not bad.

Yeah, I mean this fanta cheese is working out.

They made tree nuts taste kind of like blue cheese.

This is fun to play with.

K for Keith and a K for Hillary.

So this is artisanal vegan cheese

from a shop in Los Angeles.

Vromage.

Vromage.

So vegan fromage.

It looks nicer than the other one.

Sounds kind of douchey.

Oh yeah, I can put this on everything.

Oh man.

I like it.

I like it.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I could do this.

They'll never get the texture right.

I think we just have to accept that.

This is a sweet little girl.

Let me taste more of that.

Were those two bites like a $1.50 of cheese?

This opened me up to a whole new world.

I think I'm going to stick to milk cheese.

We've come a long way in vegan cheese.

We've got a long way still to go.

We have such a long way to go.

I wonder if all this vegan cheese

is going to make my poop look weird.