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  • When I was a child,

  • every other Friday,

  • I would leave my mother and stepfather's home --

  • an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,

  • agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,

  • Democratic household.

  • And I would go 1.4 miles to my father and stepmother's home

  • and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,

  • conservative, Republican,

  • twice-a-week-churchgoing,

  • meat-eating family.

  • It doesn't take a shrink to explain how I ended up

  • in the field of conflict resolution.

  • (Laughter)

  • Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul

  • or Ahmedabad,

  • the challenge was always the same:

  • despite all odds,

  • and with integrity,

  • how do you get people to connect meaningfully,

  • to take risks,

  • to be changed by their experience?

  • And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms.

  • And then I would leave those rooms

  • and attend my everyday gatherings like all of you --

  • a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic --

  • and many would fall flat.

  • There was a meaning gap

  • between these high-intensity conflict groups

  • and my everyday gatherings.

  • Now, you could say, sure, somebody's birthday party

  • isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,

  • but that's not what I was responding to.

  • As a facilitator,

  • you're taught to strip everything away

  • and focus on the interaction between people,

  • whereas everyday hosts focus on getting the things right --

  • the food, the flowers, the fish knives --

  • and leave the interaction between people largely to chance.

  • So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings

  • to focus on making meaning by human connection,

  • not obsessing with the canapés.

  • And I set out and interviewed dozens of brave and unusual hosts --

  • an Olympic hockey coach, a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,

  • a rabbi, a camp counselor--

  • to better understand what creates meaningful

  • and even transformative gatherings.

  • And I want to share with you some of what I learned today

  • about the new rules of gathering.

  • So when most people plan a gathering,

  • they start with an off-the-rack format.

  • Birthday party? Cake and candles.

  • Board meeting?

  • One brown table, 12 white men.

  • (Laughter)

  • Assuming the purpose is obvious, we skip too quickly to form.

  • This not only leads to dull and repetitive gatherings,

  • it misses a deeper opportunity

  • to actually address our needs.

  • The first step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

  • is to embrace a specific disputable purpose.

  • An expectant mother I know was dreading her baby shower.

  • The idea of "pin the diaper on the baby" games

  • and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.

  • So she paused to ask:

  • What is the purpose of a baby shower?

  • What is my need at this moment?

  • And she realized it was to address her fears

  • of her and her husband's -- remember that guy? --

  • transition to parenthood.

  • And so she asked two friends to invent a gathering based on that.

  • And so on a sunny afternoon, six women gathered.

  • And first, to address her fear of labor -- she was terrified --

  • they told her stories from her life

  • to remind her of the characteristics she already carries --

  • bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --

  • that they believed would carry her and help her in labor as well.

  • And as they spoke, they tied a bead for each quality into a necklace

  • that she could wear around her neck in the delivery room.

  • Next, her husband came in,

  • and they wrote new vows, family vows, and spoke them aloud,

  • first committing to keep their marriage central

  • as they transitioned to parenthood,

  • but also future vows to their future son

  • of what they wanted to carry with them from each of their family lines

  • and what would stop with this generation.

  • Then more friends came along, including men, for a dinner party.

  • And in lieu of gifts, they each brought a favorite memory from their childhood

  • to share with the table.

  • Now, you might be thinking this is a lot for a baby shower,

  • or it's a little weird or it's a little intimate.

  • Good.

  • It's specific.

  • It's disputable.

  • It's specific to them,

  • just as your gathering should be specific to you.

  • The next step of creating more meaningful everyday gatherings

  • is to cause good controversy.

  • You may have learned, as I did,

  • never to talk about sex, politics or religion at the dinner table.

  • It's a good rule in that it preserves harmony,

  • or that's its intention.

  • But it strips away a core ingredient of meaning, which is heat,

  • burning relevance.

  • The best gatherings learn to cultivate good controversy

  • by creating the conditions for it,

  • because human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace

  • as by unhealthy conflict.

  • I was once working with an architecture firm,

  • and they were at a crossroads.

  • They had to figure out whether they wanted to continue to be an architecture firm

  • and focus on the construction of buildings

  • or pivot and become the hot new thing, a design firm,

  • focusing on beyond the construction of spaces.

  • And there was real disagreement in the room,

  • but you wouldn't know, because no one was actually speaking up publicly.

  • And so we hosted good controversy.

  • After a lunch break, all the architects came back,

  • and we hosted a cage match.

  • They walked in,

  • we took one architect, put him in one corner to represent architecture,

  • the other one to represent design.

  • We threw white towels around their necks,

  • stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --

  • played Rocky music on an iPad,

  • got each a Don King-like manager

  • to rev them up and prepare them with counterarguments,

  • and then basically made them each argue the best possible argument

  • of each future vision.

  • The norm of politeness was blocking their progress.

  • And we then had everybody else physically choose a side

  • in front of their colleagues.

  • And because they were able to actually show where they stood,

  • they broke an impasse.

  • Architecture won.

  • So that's work.

  • What about a hypothetical tense Thanksgiving dinner?

  • Anyone?

  • (Laughter)

  • So first, ask the purpose.

  • What does this family need this year?

  • If cultivating good heat is part of it,

  • then try for a night banning opinions and asking for stories instead.

  • Choose a theme related to the underlying conflict.

  • But instead of opinions,

  • ask everybody to share a story from their life and experience

  • that nobody around the table has ever heard,

  • to difference or to belonging

  • or to a time I changed my mind,

  • giving people a way in to each other

  • without burning the house down.

  • And finally, to create more meaningful everyday gatherings,

  • create a temporary alternative world

  • through the use of pop-up rules.

  • A few years ago, I started noticing invitations coming with a set of rules.

  • Kind of boring or controlling, right?

  • Wrong.

  • In this multicultural, intersectional society,

  • where more of us are gathered and raised

  • by people and with etiquette unlike our own,

  • where we don't share the etiquette,

  • unspoken norms are trouble,

  • whereas pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully.

  • They're one-time-only constitutions for a specific purpose.

  • So a team dinner,

  • where different generations are gathering

  • and don't share the same assumptions of phone etiquette:

  • whoever looks at their phone first

  • foots the bill.

  • (Laughter)

  • Try it.

  • (Applause)

  • For an entrepreneurial advice circle of just strangers,

  • where the hosts don't want everybody to just listen

  • to the one venture capitalist in the room --

  • (Laughter)

  • knowing laugh --

  • (Laughter)

  • you can't reveal what you do for a living.

  • For a mom's dinner,

  • where you want to upend the norms

  • of what women who also happen to be mothers talk about when they gather,

  • if you talk about your kids, you have to take a shot.

  • (Laughter)

  • That's a real dinner.

  • Rules are powerful,

  • because they allow us to temporarily change and harmonize our behavior.

  • And in diverse societies,

  • pop-up rules carry special force.

  • They allow us to gather across difference,

  • to connect,

  • to make meaning together

  • without having to be the same.

  • When I was a child,

  • I navigated my two worlds by becoming a chameleon.

  • If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,

  • I would say, "Bless you,"

  • in my father's, "God bless you."

  • To protect myself, I hid,

  • as so many of us do.

  • And it wasn't until I grew up and through conflict work

  • that I began to stop hiding.

  • And I realized that gatherings for me,

  • at their best,

  • allow us to be among others,

  • to be seen for who we are,

  • and to see.

  • The way we gather matters

  • because how we gather

  • is how we live.

  • Thank you.

  • (Applause)

When I was a child,

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B1 中級

TED】プリヤ・パーカー毎日の集まりを変革的な集まりに変える3つのステップ (毎日の集まりを変革的な集まりに変える3つのステップ|プリヤ・パーカー) (【TED】Priya Parker: 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings (3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | Priya Parker))

  • 59 5
    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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