What she means to say is that she likes spending money on gadgets that clever marketing campaigns have convinced her she needs.

No, I just like buying high-quality items that I know I'm going to get a lot of value out of, like this new Kindle Oasis.

Wait, wasn't the Kindle Oasis new in 2016?

No, this is the new-new Kindle Oasis, and it's even better for reading books.

You know what's really good for reading books?

Books.

Amazon launched this Kindle Oasis last fall, and it replaced the previous Kindle Oasis.

Ah, yeah, I remember now.

That was the first Kindle Oasis, and it wasn't waterproof.

Well, surprise! This one is finally waterproof.

It also cost 249 dollars, which is 50 dollars less than the original Oasis.

That's still a lot of money for a Kindle.

Let me guess. This is the part where you say, the Kindle Paperwhite is the best Kindle ever.

No, actually. I've turned a new leaf.

I'm off Twitter, I'm only checking Facebook once a day, and I'm reading real books, real, paper books.

Uh-huh.

So, basically, you're trying to go back to living in 2008.

Sometimes I think that wouldn't be such a terrible thing.

Now this new Kindle Oasis has the brightest, highest-resolution display of any Kindle.

And I bet you can barely see the difference.

No, I mean, this actually matters when you're in a dark environment and you're just trying to see what's on the page.

Right, which is why I have this book lamp.

Just clip it on and fire it up.

Okay, that is the nerdiest thing I've ever seen you do.

Did you carry that here in your knitting bag?

Yeah, okay. Also, this is square-shaped, and it's weighted in such a way that it's really easy to hold in one hand.

What does it matter that it's square-shaped?

Okay, try holding that in one hand.

Comfortably.

For an extended period of time.

Okay, that's probably one of the only things the Kindle is good for.

It has these page turn buttons here.

Who needs buttons to turn a page?

And like other Kindles, it has a touchscreen, so you can just navigate through chapters by tapping on it, or you can even press on a word to get its definition.

So if you're lazy, or you like skipping entire chapters of books, then that's the product for you, is what you're saying.

Also, it's battery life is excellent.

If you read for about a half hour a day, with the screen set to 40% of its maximum brightness, you should get about six weeks of battery life out of this.

You know how long this thing lasts?

Unless there's a fire, or a flood, or a nuclear event? Forever.

It lasts forever, doesn't need to be charged, you just pick it up, and you read it.

Speaking of floods, this is the first Kindle that's waterproof.

Finally. I mean, Amazon made a virtual assistant that infiltrated everybody's homes before it managed to make a waterproof Kindle.

Mm-hm. Yeah. So you can bring this in the tub, or the pool, or even the ocean, and not worry that if you drop it in, you're going to break it.

If you drop that book in the tub, it's ruined.

That's not true.

I mean, you'd have to shake it out a bit, and let it air dry, and it'd probably be pretty wrinkled, but it's readable.

It's totally fine. It's fine.

And this Kindle supports Audible, so you can pair it with Bluetooth headphones, and have your books read aloud to you.

Oh for (bleep) sake, just get a tablet, then.

Look, I know people really like their Kindles, and they're great for some things, but I just prefer actual books.

I dog-ear pages, you know, and I love when you can see what someone else is reading, and not just a leather-bound gadget.

That moment when you're on the train, and you look across the aisle, and your eyes meet across the top of the page.

You sound like an unhinged Craigslist ad.

Okay, well, look. People don't collect Kindles.

They collect books.

They don't buy Kindle cases, they invest in bookcases.

And when I'm done, I can share these books with all of my friends, which is more than you can do, because of DRM.

Yeah, but the same modern technology means that I have access to all the same books that you do, but in seconds, not days.

Also, when I go on vacation, my carry-on bag is a lot lighter than yours.

I don't mind slow shipping.

I mean, with Amazon Prime, it's usually more like a couple days and these arrive.

Wait, so you're ordering all of your books off of Amazon?

No. I mean, some of them.

A lot, most of them.

So we're both just giving all of our money to Amazon.

Did I mention that I only buy used books?

This one is waterproof. It's own, it's, fuck. Oops.

That was good.

I forgot what I was gonna say because I improvised.

Should we do that over again?

Let's do it one more time.