and sauerkraut. Pretzels and Chocolate. John Malkovich and John Cusack. Great tastes that

taste great together. Sakura Wars: So Long My Love introduces us to another strange combination

that somehow, just somehow, manages to work wonders: Dating Sim and Tactical Mecha Combat.

I **** you not. Want proof? This is actually the fifth in the series, but this New York-based

outing is the only one that’s made it to the States. The sign of a true piece of WTF.

So let’s break this down, starting with the crunchy half: In the grand tradition of

Tokimeki Memorial, you’re a near-silent teenage male protagonist, surrounded by a

slew of beautiful women, doing anything in your power to get in the good graces of one

or more of them. And uncomfortable social situations may arise. Predictable breakdowns

in communication will lead to undue dramatic tension. And there may or may not be crossdressing

involved. But it’s all in the name of love, and your dream of coalescing this ragtag Broadway

theater troupe into a well-oiled cadre of mecha pilots in a steampunk-ish 1928 New York

City. And if I lost any of you in that mountain of strangeness, don’t worry, there’s combat

soon. But you can’t just ignore the social aspect of the game: the closer you become

to your comrades, the more motivated they will be to fight. Really spread the love around,

and that affection will manifest as increased tactical capacity, better performance statistics,

and the occasional offer of grudging affection. And it’s not just “Choose an answer”

prompts, either: Certain events will call for an analog input, representing your determination,

vocal volume, or some other variable; others give you a series of inputs to follow within

a time limit, with your rate of success determining the outcome. But then a giant robot attacks

the Statue of Liberty, and you’re trust into combat.

And what a combat it is. Here’s a gridless tactical scenario, driven less by slavish

adherence to numbers and more by awesome. Because, let’s face it. What the hell are

things like this doing in 1928? Just chuck any semblance of logic out the window and

enjoy it. You’ve got up to six units under your command at any time; each outfitted in

their entertainingly-named STAR mobile suit. That blue bar at the bottom of the screen

represents that unit’s tactical capacity for this turn; each unit representing either

a few steps of travel, an attack (chainable up to five times), a joint attack, or can

be expended to replenish SP or assume a defensive posture (values which can be altered by use

of a different combat stratagem, learned throughout the course of the game). I know, there’s

quite a lot there... well, it has to compensate for the fact that you’re so rarely in combat.

Did I mention you can take to the skies for aerial combat, as well? Yeah. That too.

These two sensations are about as far apart as you can get without bringing in John Madden.

Yet somehow they manage to coexist in this very unusual game. It’s not without flaws;

though: The Wii version doesn’t maintain the original Japanese vocal track, while the

Special Edition PS2 release put each language on its own disc, due to space constraints.

Perhaps most damning, though, isn’t any particular flaw of the dub itself; rather,

the vocal performance is quite well-acted. It’s the mixing of said dub against the

equally accomplished background music, or against the explosions in combat, or against

anything for that matter. Some program flaws will completely eliminate the sound, or make

your controller shake wildly for an extended period of time while nothing at all happens

on screen. Up to ten seconds at one count. And it’s a shame, because it serves to mar

what is otherwise a well-designed sound palate, full of Gershwin-esque piano refrains and

classic Roarin’ Twenties string bass. It’s like popping a whole peanut butter cup in

your mouth, expecting the bliss of intertwined romantic involvement and giant robots... and

realizing you left the paper on. Bluh bluh.