- Hey!

Okay, so I got two different types of tile

that we can choose from, and I think this one's nice.

It's a little bit more simple.

And then this--

- No, I told you, you do the tiles.

I don't care.

I don't have an opinion and I have to get this pitch done

for Adventure Baby.

I don't even know what I'm doing.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Please, please, please, please.

Take this.

Take this away.

- Alright, I'll figure it out.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry.

(keyboard clacking)

Jason?

- What?

- Have you been using my iPad?

- Your iPad?

- Oh, no.

You've been going to porn sites.

- No, no I haven't.

- Do not masturbate with my iPad, Jason.

And you're busy.

Oh, yeah, you're so busy.

You're busy masturbating with my iPad.

That's how busy you are.

- The internet is so fast on there.

I'm sorry.

- Jason, why are you masturbating anyway, huh?

Hello, I'm open for business.

- Yeah.

- And you look great. I just...

You know, we've been getting along so well lately.

I don't want to ruin the friendship.

(cymbal tapping)

- Hey.

- (Woman) Hey there.

- Oooo! Whoa! Whoa, look at that.

Lookin' good. That's the old...that's the old nighty.

That's the little action nighty.

- (Woman) Yes.

- Yep.

- We can do it tonight.

- You know what? I really, I really...

I would love to, it's just...

Can I be honest?

- Of course. What?

- You won't tell anyone?

- Who am I gonna tell?

- Okay. I've just been like...

I'm really bumming out about my penis lately.

- What?

- It's really small.

- No it's not. It really isn't.

- No it's...it's... - It's fine.

- I stand in the mirror and I'm like, what's going on?

It's so small.

It's just not...and it's not fun.

It's not fun for me having a small penis.

It's like, it's like having someone in your band

that isn't good.

You know? It's like...

It just ruins all of it.

- Have you been watching too much porn?

- I have been watching a lot of porn.

- How much would you say you've been masterbating?

- Like three or four everyday.

Is that a lot?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. That is a lot.

- That's a lot.

- Well hey, got no problem in that area.

Lot of guys have problems.

Not me.

- Dad! It's me.

Hello!

Jason can you come in here please?

I don't under... - (Jason) What?!

- Can you come in here and help with the...?

I don't under... - (Jason) The what?

- With the Facetime on the I...

I don't understand if it's work...

Dad, hi!

- I can hear you but I can't see you.

Where are you?

- (Jason) Hold on.

- Okay look for the camera guys.

- Hold on.

- I see...hi.

- Hi.

- I see you. That...

- Is that you live?

I mean it's not a video?

This is really you now, live?

- Yes! You're talking to me right now.

What kind of ques...

What are you...

Can you hear me?

- You know, we went to a party today

and we really had a great time.

- Jason we thought about you.

There was a clown. He was fabulous

but you would have been better.

- Yeah, you know, maybe Jason

you should think about doing some clowning

at some parties for kids.

You know, you've given this comedy thing a shot

but let's get real, it's not...

I don't think it's really working out for you.

Maybe you should try clowning. - I, I don't want

to be a party clown Joe. - No he's...

I don't want to be. - Stop, stop, stop.

That's not what I want to do with my life. So...

- Just stop. Just stop.

Dad he's not gonna be a clown alright?

Just enough with the clown?

- I'm not a clown.

- He doesn't...he doesn't even know how

to make the balloon animals.

There's like...

No, he's not a clown.

- It's not the same thing.

A stand up is not the same thing as a clown.

I know that you think that it is.

- Wait, just stop. J, J. Just stop, just stop.

- Are you sure this is you live?

We're talking live?

Real time?

(jazz music)

- (Jason) Oh my god.

Okay. Okay here we go.

You ready?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah!

- Okay. - Okay, Jason...

- (Jason) Oh god that's it. - You're like...

- (Jason) Oh god that's good. Oh wow.

- What?

- (Jason) Ugh!

- What?!

- Ugh! Oooo god! Whooo!

Oh my god baby! Oh my god that's good! Whoo!

Oh my god.

- That was it?

- You're so good. Is that not good?

- No that wasn't good.

That was weird and aweful.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You know what it is?

You are so hot.

It's, it's...

You know what it is?

It's a compliment.

You're so, you're so hot.

You know what?

You're the real thing and no more porn for me.

- Alright well...

I guess thanks for the compliment.

- You're welcome.

I love you.

- Yeah...

I'm gonna just...I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Okay.

Oh you know what I would love right now?

Doritos.

- (Gasp) I think I hear her.

Listen Mom, I'm gonna go get her.

- Go, go ahead!

Go get the baby, we want to see her!

- So just don't disconnect

cause I don't want to go through that again okay?

(moans)

- What's going on?

- I don't know.

What...what is that?

What are we seeing?

(screams)

- (Woman) Yes! Yes!

- (Gasp) Oh my god!

- (Woman) Yes! Yes!

- No wonder he doesn't want to get a job!

He sits around the house jerking off all day!

- Oh my god!

Oh no! - (Woman) Yes!

Oh god, oh god!

- J?

(knocks)

- Are you in there?

(knocks)

Do you have my I-pad?

- Oh my god.

- Mom?

Are you here?

Got disconnected.

Come here Char.

(band music)