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"No" doesn't feel so good.
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We feel a little uncomfortable.
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We feel bad saying no.
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"No" to something is "yes" to something else.
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And that's the first thing you need to think about to give yourself permission to say no.
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My husband actually put a sticky note on my computer for about a year with the word "no" on it.
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And it really did give me permission to say no and to remember that that's allowed.
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So that's the first thing.
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Then you want to think about how to say no and how to say yes.
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Because yes and no are never one-word answers.
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My favorite on the no side is "no, but...".
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"No, not this...not right now."
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"No, but I could do this instead."
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"No, but this person might be interested."
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I look to give a no with the opportunity for a yes later.
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For example, somebody asked me to do a pro bono talk.
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Happy to do those things if they meet certain criteria.
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This criteria was driving two hours in rush hour to talk to 30 people.
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It wasn't going to meet that criteria.
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And I said, if you can get x number of people in the room, and we can do it during this time of day, then I'm happy to do it.
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So "No, but here's how you can get a yes" is a great way to enable somebody to feel OK and for you to feel OK and not want to avoid that extended relationship.
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So when we use a "no, but," we give them an opportunity for a "yes" down the road.
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But we also can use the "no, but" to help them find another way to get that help.
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No, but there's this great resource you may want to look into.
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No, but I do know somebody who's working on that.
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Let me ask if they might be interested in connecting.
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No, but.
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I might not be able to help you.
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But I'm happy to give you ideas on how you can get the help you're looking for.
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Sometimes you want to and get to say yes.
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So we want to sometimes qualify our yes: "Yes, if..."
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"Yes, if you can get this done for me."
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Or "yes, if you can get this many people in the room."
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Or "yes, if."
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It could be "yes, after."
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Yes, I'd love to get on the phone with you after I'm done with this big project that I'm working on, or after I get back from vacation.
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Just giving yourself a little breathing room in when and the timing of when that follow through will actually happen.
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So we have "yes, if."
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We have "yes, after."
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We could have "yes, with."
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"Yes, with your assistance."
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Or "yes, with another party, I'm happy to work on that."
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"Yes, with some training."
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So "yes, if," "yes, after," "yes, with," or even "yes, when."
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And when could be, when I feel that I'm really ready to do that.
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Yes, when I have gotten that training that we talked about.
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"Yes, when."
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So all of these things help give you a little bit of space and manage the expectations of the follow through of that yes.