*locks door*

Last week I give a fire safety talk, *clears throat* and nobody paid any attention.

It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring.

People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.

*pours lighter fluid*

*lights cigarette*

Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

*flicks cigarette, igniting trash bin*

*throws lighter fluid container into fire*

Does anyone smell anything smoky?

Did you bring your jerky in again?

*clears throat*

Oh my God! Uh.. Oh my God!

Stanley: FIRE!

Oh Fire?! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do people?

The phones are dead!

Dwight: Oh how did that happen?

Kevin: It's out in the hall!

Dwight: No, we don't know that. The smoke can be coming through an air duct.

Michael: Oh my God! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm!

Dwight: What's the procedure everyone? What's the procedure?

Michael: STAY F*****G CALM!

Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Michael: EVERYBODY F*****G CALM DOWN!!

Dwight: No no! Michael No!

Dwight: Touch the handle, if it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway!

Michael: What does warm mean?

Everyone: *groaning* Oh my God.

Dwight: Mmm, not a viable option.

Dwight: What next?

Michael: Don't Run!

Everyone: *Murmuring in Panic*

Dwight: Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle?

Andy: It-- it's warm!

Jim: K--go to the back door.

Dwight: Well, uh, another option.

*Everyone panicking and screaming*

Dwight: Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching!

Phyllis: Oh! I forgot my purse.

Andy: Leave it woman!

Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go!

Dwight: Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can-

*Chaos and Panic*

Oscar: Ah! My hand! That's hot!

Andy: Aah! This ones hot too!

Michael: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself.

Dwight: Okay, let's go.

Everyone: *shouting* Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way!

*Chaos and Panic*

Dwight: Calm, please

Andy: Get out of the way!

Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim?

Andy: Move it!!

Dwight: Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha-- Use a what to cover the mouth?

*MORE Chaos and Panic*

Angela: *pulling cat out of filing drawer* It's okay. Shh shhh.

*cat meows*

Dwight: A what? A rag. A damp rag perhaps.

*Oscar escaping through roof*

Dwight: Let's remember those procedures. What are the options?

*Pushing and Shoving*

Dwight: Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that.

Dwight: Remember your exit points. Exit points people.

Angela: Oscar. Oscar!

Oscar: Stay alive! I'm getting help!

Angela: Pull me up!

Oscar: You're too heavy!

Angela: I only weigh 82 pounds!

*Oscar crawls away*

Angela: Uh-- save Bandit!

Angela: *throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side*

*MEOW*

Angela: OH!

Dwight: How about 911? Anyone? 911.

Michael: *tries to break open window*

*SMACK*

Kevin: *smashes vending machine with a chair*

*steals snacks*

*SMASH*

Pam: What do we do?!

Dwight: Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making.

Jim: Okay, I am not dying here. Come on.

*Dwight lights firecrackers*

*Mass Coughing*

*Firecrackers pop loudly*

Angela: What is that? What is that?

Andy: THE FIRE'S SHOOTING AT US!!

*Everyone Screaming*

Phyllis: What in the name of God is going on?!

*Dwight pulls Fire Alarm*

Jim: Let's try this

Andy: Yes! Yes, ba-- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram!

*Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling*

Phyllis and Creed: Ahhhh!!!

Andy: Go, go, go, go, go!! AHHH!

*Jim and Andy ram the door with the copying machine*

*Angela shrieks*

*Everyone yelling*

*Micheal throws projector out window*

Micheal: HELP!! HELP!!

Stanley: Oh God! I'm about to die!

*Jim and Andy ram the door with the copying machine*

*Everyone shrieking*

*Dwight blows airhorn*

Dwight: ATTENTION!!

Dwight: Employees of Dunder-Mifflin!

Dwight: This has been a test of our emergency preparedness.

Dwight: There is no fire. It was only a simulation.

Jim: WHAT?!

Dwight: Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise.

*Oscar drops down from ceiling*

Dwight: So what have we learned?

*Stanley collapses*

Dwight: Oh come on! It's not real

Dwight: Stanley don't have a heart attack! *everyone rushes to Stanley*

Michael: No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley!

Michael: STANLEY YOU WILL NOT DIE!

Michael: Stanley! Stanley!

Michael: Barack is President!

Michael: YOU ARE BLACK STANLEY!

Michael: I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth

Jim: No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this!

Michael: He's going to swallow his tongue.

Jim: No. Michael. Michael.

Michael: Don't swallow it!

Kelly: Michael get off him! Stop!

Michael: I'm fine! Leave me al--

*Michael bring dragged away by Toby, Kevin, and Jim*

*Outro*