Name: IELTS Band 9 Writing Sample - Body Paragraphs (2018) (IELTS Band 9 Writing Sample - Body Paragraphs (2018))
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T07:48:34.000Z
Duration: 22 min 8 s
Description: VoiceTubeの動画で発音を聞きながら英語表現を覚えよう！学べる英語：

IELTS band 9 writing sample body paragraphs this video is a complete and full analysis

of a body paragraph from a sample essay band 9 quality zero grammatical errors and zero

spelling mistakes and all of the language has been upgraded so we're using more sophisticated

less common vocabulary and we've paid a lot of attention to cohesion and coherence and

task achievement what we're going to do in this video is we're going to analyze the paragraph

analyze the question analyze the body paragraph but we're going to analyze it alongside the

official band 9 band descriptors so this way you can get a complete understanding of what's

required of your writing and hopefully you'll learn how to upgrade your writing skills now

this type of upgrading and these types of techniques that we're using in this body

paragraph can be learned I teach them on the online course I have at ieltspodcast.com let's

jump into it straightaway and let's have a look of course we're going to look at the

question first so we have this wonderful question by the way this is a recent question I feel

like Donald Trump when I do this anyway this is a recent question and it's one that's been

seen on a recent exam paper so as you can see we have this wonderful copy of the band

descriptors this is a copy of the official one I just have to copy/paste it into a Google

Doc instead of using the PDF because the PDF would have trade marks on that I'm not allowed

to use anyway let's jump into it so task achievement cohesion and coherence lexical resource grammatical

range and accuracy these are all the four criteria that the examiner is going to use

to review your IELTS essay so we have the question we start off with a question and

what I always do and which I teach as well is to cut this question up and allocate a

paragraph to certain parts of the question and then we're going to construct that paragraph

in accordance to what's required from the question so it might say in this case discuss

both views and give your opinion so I'm going to allocate one view to one paragraph because

it's just easier one paragraph it says both views two paragraphs one and two both then

I'll probably finish with my opinion in the conclusion so let's get to it in this question

I decided to allocate one paragraph to women are equal okay I simplified it I got rid of

the nuance I simplified it down women are equal they should definitely serve in the

army and the police okay so I've got the idea now I've got my direction my argument I've

got my argument and my position now I'm going to back it up so as you can see here we've

got the paragraph I'm not going to focus on this but if you pause the video you can see

where I've upgraded the language and I've tried to make it more sophisticated using

more advanced structures we'll go into this in more detail later and using more yeah just

less common vocabulary or grammatical constructions so this is what I wanted to show you so we've

got task achievement I've highlighted it in purple here and obviously we can't fully satisfy

all the requirements of the task with just one body paragraph we need two body paragraphs

the introduction and the conclusion however we can develop a full-developed response which

is what I have done and I've tried to indicate where that fully-developed response is within

the essay or within the body paragraph specifically so let's have a look the question the task

achievement is very strongly related to the question obviously so let's analyze the question

first in some countries people think women should have equality with men in particular

equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the army this is entirely body paragraph

1 okay that's why I have left the rest as red for the time being now if we look through

this essay through this paragraph perhaps you want to read it countless women throughout

history have served pivotal roles in the shaping of societies whether… good structure women

should enjoy equal rights as men in this day and age is therefore a rather redundant question

here it's kind of a little bit aggressive but I'm taking a strong position I'm just

basically saying that this is redundant there's nothing no harm in doing this it just shows

a bit of character and it shows possibly a little bit of aggression but I'm strong I

just feel strongly about this so by making that by saying that that question is redundant

it's silly it's not necessary you can clearly infer that I'm not in agreement with it so

this is my response this is my part of my developed response and it's clear now the

yellow bits although traditionally okay roles such as security such as security or positions

necessitating aggression have often gone to men there is no scientific literature or precedent

stating women are less capable so you can see I'm talking although traditionally the

roles okay which is what we're talking about we're talking roles such as police officers

or serving in the army these are roles traditionally they have gone to men also you can see here

that it does say men and you can see as well in the earlier sentence I put whether women

should enjoy equal rights and there in the question it says in particular equal rights

so ideally I would use synonyms but it's not always possible to use synonyms because sometimes

they're just not there for example with women there's only so many ways you can say women

and likewise with equal rights you could say equality I think I've used that later on I've

definitely used it later on in the second paragraph but not always is there a vast list

of alternatives so just bear that in mind don't go emptying your brain and stressing

over it use the first one that comes to mind and only use it if you're confident if you're

writing essays and getting feedback by the way which is a service you can get at my site

that's the time to experiment experiment when you're getting your essays reviewed by an

expert essay corrector but don't experiment in the exam so as you can see all the parts

in yellow refer to the fully-developed response also refer back to the question because I'm

keeping on topic the green bit I'm talking about Peru it's talking about countries also

it says in the question should have equality with men and then here one way I managed to

say the same was difference between genders okay this just helps with lexical resource

but I'm keeping on topic I'm not using I'm trying to avoid using words directly from

the question but I'm keeping on topic also I'm using female soldiers so it's all related

to the question there's no way that I'm going off topic so task achievement is definitely

going to be answered there perhaps I could go into more detail about countries but nevertheless

that's very much on topic perhaps in the body second body paragraph I'd go into more detail

about countries just to make sure now let's move on to cohesion and coherence before we

get there it's important to look at the criteria okay uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts

no attention this is for a band 9 so it's difficult to actually see the connection especially

in a band 9 essay and also it says skillfully manages paragraphing so let's see uses cohesion

so served pivotal roles in the shaping of society what I did here sorry is all the parts

in orange refer to the parts or the fragments of the paragraph that are pulling it together

okay it's not the easiest thing to explain at this level at a band 9 level but the highlighted

parts are referring to other parts in the paragraph or in the essay so you can see here

have served pivotal roles in the shaping of societies pivotal roles refers back to these

kinds of roles in the army in the police and that's what I'm referring back to and I would

probably mention this in the introduction as well so you can see that this refers to

a point in the introduction and this is why it's coherent because there's the same thread

there's the same line of argument and topic going all the way through and it's going to

be not the same position but it's going to be on the same topic all the way through the

essay this is what makes it coherent and cohesive now then here we say therefore is a return

to the question so I'm referring back to the question which is also like we said the task

achievement but I'm keeping it compact in one kind of like line of thought also I'm

talking about traditional roles here perhaps that should have been highlighted as well

because we're talking about police officers we're talking about the pivotal roles also

we got a tiny little bit of repetition there now also we're going to talk about scientific

literature stating that women are less capable okay which is what we've been referring to

before when I said they should enjoy equal rights whether women should enjoy equal rights

is a redundant question and then I'm saying that there's no scientific literature stating

that women are less capable so there is a connection there it's not obvious and that's

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IELTS Band 9 Writing Sample - Body Paragraphs (2018) (IELTS Band 9 Writing Sample - Body Paragraphs (2018))

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