Placeholder Image

字幕表 動画を再生する

  • IELTS band 9 writing sample body paragraphs this video is a complete and full analysis

  • of a body paragraph from a sample essay band 9 quality zero grammatical errors and zero

  • spelling mistakes and all of the language has been upgraded so we're using more sophisticated

  • less common vocabulary and we've paid a lot of attention to cohesion and coherence and

  • task achievement what we're going to do in this video is we're going to analyze the paragraph

  • analyze the question analyze the body paragraph but we're going to analyze it alongside the

  • official band 9 band descriptors so this way you can get a complete understanding of what's

  • required of your writing and hopefully you'll learn how to upgrade your writing skills now

  • this type of upgrading and these types of techniques that we're using in this body

  • paragraph can be learned I teach them on the online course I have at ieltspodcast.com let's

  • jump into it straightaway and let's have a look of course we're going to look at the

  • question first so we have this wonderful question by the way this is a recent question I feel

  • like Donald Trump when I do this anyway this is a recent question and it's one that's been

  • seen on a recent exam paper so as you can see we have this wonderful copy of the band

  • descriptors this is a copy of the official one I just have to copy/paste it into a Google

  • Doc instead of using the PDF because the PDF would have trade marks on that I'm not allowed

  • to use anyway let's jump into it so task achievement cohesion and coherence lexical resource grammatical

  • range and accuracy these are all the four criteria that the examiner is going to use

  • to review your IELTS essay so we have the question we start off with a question and

  • what I always do and which I teach as well is to cut this question up and allocate a

  • paragraph to certain parts of the question and then we're going to construct that paragraph

  • in accordance to what's required from the question so it might say in this case discuss

  • both views and give your opinion so I'm going to allocate one view to one paragraph because

  • it's just easier one paragraph it says both views two paragraphs one and two both then

  • I'll probably finish with my opinion in the conclusion so let's get to it in this question

  • I decided to allocate one paragraph to women are equal okay I simplified it I got rid of

  • the nuance I simplified it down women are equal they should definitely serve in the

  • army and the police okay so I've got the idea now I've got my direction my argument I've

  • got my argument and my position now I'm going to back it up so as you can see here we've

  • got the paragraph I'm not going to focus on this but if you pause the video you can see

  • where I've upgraded the language and I've tried to make it more sophisticated using

  • more advanced structures we'll go into this in more detail later and using more yeah just

  • less common vocabulary or grammatical constructions so this is what I wanted to show you so we've

  • got task achievement I've highlighted it in purple here and obviously we can't fully satisfy

  • all the requirements of the task with just one body paragraph we need two body paragraphs

  • the introduction and the conclusion however we can develop a full-developed response which

  • is what I have done and I've tried to indicate where that fully-developed response is within

  • the essay or within the body paragraph specifically so let's have a look the question the task

  • achievement is very strongly related to the question obviously so let's analyze the question

  • first in some countries people think women should have equality with men in particular

  • equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the army this is entirely body paragraph

  • 1 okay that's why I have left the rest as red for the time being now if we look through

  • this essay through this paragraph perhaps you want to read it countless women throughout

  • history have served pivotal roles in the shaping of societies whethergood structure women

  • should enjoy equal rights as men in this day and age is therefore a rather redundant question

  • here it's kind of a little bit aggressive but I'm taking a strong position I'm just

  • basically saying that this is redundant there's nothing no harm in doing this it just shows

  • a bit of character and it shows possibly a little bit of aggression but I'm strong I

  • just feel strongly about this so by making that by saying that that question is redundant

  • it's silly it's not necessary you can clearly infer that I'm not in agreement with it so

  • this is my response this is my part of my developed response and it's clear now the

  • yellow bits although traditionally okay roles such as security such as security or positions

  • necessitating aggression have often gone to men there is no scientific literature or precedent

  • stating women are less capable so you can see I'm talking although traditionally the

  • roles okay which is what we're talking about we're talking roles such as police officers

  • or serving in the army these are roles traditionally they have gone to men also you can see here

  • that it does say men and you can see as well in the earlier sentence I put whether women

  • should enjoy equal rights and there in the question it says in particular equal rights

  • so ideally I would use synonyms but it's not always possible to use synonyms because sometimes

  • they're just not there for example with women there's only so many ways you can say women

  • and likewise with equal rights you could say equality I think I've used that later on I've

  • definitely used it later on in the second paragraph but not always is there a vast list

  • of alternatives so just bear that in mind don't go emptying your brain and stressing

  • over it use the first one that comes to mind and only use it if you're confident if you're

  • writing essays and getting feedback by the way which is a service you can get at my site

  • that's the time to experiment experiment when you're getting your essays reviewed by an

  • expert essay corrector but don't experiment in the exam so as you can see all the parts

  • in yellow refer to the fully-developed response also refer back to the question because I'm

  • keeping on topic the green bit I'm talking about Peru it's talking about countries also

  • it says in the question should have equality with men and then here one way I managed to

  • say the same was difference between genders okay this just helps with lexical resource

  • but I'm keeping on topic I'm not using I'm trying to avoid using words directly from

  • the question but I'm keeping on topic also I'm using female soldiers so it's all related

  • to the question there's no way that I'm going off topic so task achievement is definitely

  • going to be answered there perhaps I could go into more detail about countries but nevertheless

  • that's very much on topic perhaps in the body second body paragraph I'd go into more detail

  • about countries just to make sure now let's move on to cohesion and coherence before we

  • get there it's important to look at the criteria okay uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts

  • no attention this is for a band 9 so it's difficult to actually see the connection especially

  • in a band 9 essay and also it says skillfully manages paragraphing so let's see uses cohesion

  • so served pivotal roles in the shaping of society what I did here sorry is all the parts

  • in orange refer to the parts or the fragments of the paragraph that are pulling it together

  • okay it's not the easiest thing to explain at this level at a band 9 level but the highlighted

  • parts are referring to other parts in the paragraph or in the essay so you can see here

  • have served pivotal roles in the shaping of societies pivotal roles refers back to these

  • kinds of roles in the army in the police and that's what I'm referring back to and I would

  • probably mention this in the introduction as well so you can see that this refers to

  • a point in the introduction and this is why it's coherent because there's the same thread

  • there's the same line of argument and topic going all the way through and it's going to

  • be not the same position but it's going to be on the same topic all the way through the

  • essay this is what makes it coherent and cohesive now then here we say therefore is a return

  • to the question so I'm referring back to the question which is also like we said the task

  • achievement but I'm keeping it compact in one kind of like line of thought also I'm

  • talking about traditional roles here perhaps that should have been highlighted as well

  • because we're talking about police officers we're talking about the pivotal roles also

  • we got a tiny little bit of repetition there now also we're going to talk about scientific

  • literature stating that women are less capable okay which is what we've been referring to

  • before when I said they should enjoy equal rights whether women should enjoy equal rights

  • is a redundant question and then I'm saying that there's no scientific literature stating

  • that women are less capable so there is a connection there it's not obvious and that's

  • why it doesn't attract attention hopefully you'll be able to see the link here and then

  • we go further here we're talking about less capable and then we're talking about physically

  • weaker so again there is that link between different sentences and it's like the glue

  • of the invisible thread that's going through all the words just keeping the essay tight

  • and together now from physically weaker I move on to strength difference and therefore

  • strength difference I talk about that it can be negated through sports and then I'm talking

  • about that exact sports routine or training program I think I changed it to regime later

  • anyway I know it's there so anyway and then I'm going back to strength so hopefully you'll

  • be able to see here that there is a thread running through it and it all keeps together

  • okay and then at the end here I'm talking about thorough preparation which is what I'm

  • talking about here and then suitable for some positions which is what I talked about at

  • the beginning so you can see that it all ties in together to make a very coherent paragraph

  • now let's move on to lexical resource I personally think lexical resource is perhaps the easiest

  • one to focus if you're looking to boost your score and the reason for this is because there's

  • less risk involved with changing certain vocabulary terms whereas if you're experimenting or risking

  • changing things with the grammar structure it can have serious implications to the meaning

  • of the sentence and to whether you understand -- whether the reader understands it entirely

  • so let's move on lexical resource uses a wide range of vocabulary very natural and sophisticated

  • control of lexical features rare minor errors occur only as slips but there's no slips here

  • there's no errors and there is this I would say there's definitely a sophisticated control

  • how many times did you hear pivotal last week not that many enjoy equal rights here we do

  • have equal rights here but instead of using should have equal rights I put should enjoy

  • equal rights it's more sophisticated also I've used rather redundant instead of a

  • very redundant question I said it's a rather redundant question so upgrading it that's

  • probably more for grammatical range and accuracy actually also I changed instead of needing

  • aggression I put necessitating aggression it means something very similar but I'm upgrading

  • it now the easiest way I think to upgrade your vocabulary is to use TSV something that

  • I've explained a lot about in other videos and I go into it in quite detail in the online

  • course I have at IELTS podcast but I'll just give you an example here so here we're talking

  • about equal rights so I'm talking about gender equality I'm talking about where is it the

  • difference between genders so I'm not constantly repeating equal rights or equality which are

  • terms from the question I've managed to find alternatives also I go on to talk about sports

  • and the army so obviously if I'm talking about the army I could have used instead in the

  • Peruvian military instead of using army okay that would be one way I could have improved

  • it also I've used soldiers which is topic specific to the topic of army also because

  • I'm going into sports I've use sports regimes yeah ruthless endurance program and also I've

  • used counterparts okay so instead of talking about genders or repeating the term genders

  • or equal rights between men and women I've used the male counterparts which basically

  • means like they are colleagues yeah they are colleagues or competitors just basically the

  • people next to them not the best description but you get the idea so yeah so these are

  • instances all the green highlighted parts are instances of band 9 vocabulary and especially

  • topic-specific vocabulary or better said sophisticated and accurately used vocabulary so there's

  • an extensive lexical resource there now moving on finally to grammatical range and accuracy

  • this is perhaps in my opinion the most challenging and also the most important and I'm saying

  • this is the most important because if your grammar is messed up there's no way that the

  • examiner is going to be able to understand your essay and determine if you've actually

  • fulfilled the task required so this is why it's fundamental that you get your grammar

  • under control and I'll go into this in a little bit in a second but you can see here that

  • the blue parts are where I've identified more advanced vocabulary unlike the other

  • one there's no slips and there's no errors so here I've used whether instead of if here

  • I've said pivotal roles in the shaping of societies okay I think also I'm using structures

  • such as whereby okay so we're just using these different structures to boost our score and

  • it's not the same grammar structures throughout the paragraph there's a wider range here I'm

  • starting with the gerund returning to the question posed it is now possible to state

  • that women so by the way that's a useful copy/paste sentence okay returning to the question posed

  • it is now possible to state that whatever anyway so I think the best way to show this

  • would be to go right to the top where I actually went through and I've modified it so instead

  • of saying have equality I put enjoy equal rights as men okay enjoy equal rights as men

  • in this day and age instead of have equality with men in this day and age is therefore

  • a rather redundant question okay traditional roles like security or positions although

  • traditionally roles such as security or positions necessitating aggression have often gone to

  • men there's no scientific literature where is it now okay so yeah it's just improving

  • theit's looking for opportunities to improve your structures there and introduce

  • more variety so let's just go back here and grammar like I said before is very important

  • because if we cannot understand the sentence that you've written then I can't tell if

  • you've actually answered the question because it's unclear a good analogy would be the difference

  • between running and walking through a lake a shallow lake okay if you're walking like

  • this it is difficult to get anywhere you have to go back you have to reread and also can

  • I even tell if it's coherent or not and then if the grammar's messed up as well I can't

  • really get the idea of the sentence it makes it more difficult to get the idea of the sentence

  • which makes it probably more difficult to understand if you've actually used the right

  • vocabulary because I can't even get the idea right in the first place so this is why it's

  • very important to get feedback on your essay now if I were you I'd try and find well I'll

  • send a link where you've got this sentence and I'll put a link to the band descriptors

  • as well and it's useful to go through learn how to self-correct your own essay and I think

  • the best way to do that is to start -- I've got a few videos about correcting your own

  • essays it's a good skill to develop but also I think the fastest way to improve is to start

  • getting feedback so thank you very much for watching if you're struggling with IELTS

  • you don't have to struggle there's lots of resources online and there's my site you can

  • get feedback you can get the online course there's lots of material out there to help

  • you and if you're just at the beginning of this journey perhaps you might just want

  • to sign up for the IELTS materials that are free at ieltspodcast.com okay have a fantastic

  • day and chin up as we say in the UK chin up means chin up don't keep your head down you'll

  • get through this

IELTS band 9 writing sample body paragraphs this video is a complete and full analysis

字幕と単語

動画の操作 ここで「動画」の調整と「字幕」の表示を設定することができます

B1 中級

IELTS Band 9 Writing Sample - Body Paragraphs (2018) (IELTS Band 9 Writing Sample - Body Paragraphs (2018))

  • 16 1
    ben に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
動画の中の単語