What is it,

and how does it apply in therapy?

*Music*

This is one of the most fascinating topics

I've gotten to research thus far

so thank you to all of you who've requested it.

And in all honesty I knew what

Stockholm Syndrome was, but I didn't

really know the applications

or ramifications of it

within my clinical therapy practice,

so this was so interesting.

Stockholm Syndrome is named after

a bank robbery that happened in 1973

in Stockholm, Sweden.

There were bank employees that were kept

for six days.

They were first wrapped in dynamite and

thrown into the bank vault.

And the thing that happened that shocked

everybody, is that throughout

those six days,

those captive people wrapped in dynamite,

for some reason,

became eerily attached to their captors.

They felt bad for them.

They even turned away police

and assistance to get them out of there.

They were not helpful at all

and even once released, some of them

still kept in touch with their captors

and wouldn't testify against them

in court.

So everybody thought,

"What the hell is going on?"

"Why won't they tell us anything?"

"Why are they acting like they were caring

and nice and they cared about what happened to them?"

"What gives?"

What they learned is that,

psychologically, in order to get through

terrifying situations, we often attach

to our captors as a way to almost

survive it.

Thinking 'Well, I care about them"

"I understand what's going on with them"

"See, they're keeping me alive"

"They're really nice".

And in a way, by being nice to our captors

we're increasing the chances that we will

live through it.

So, oddly enough, it's like our brain's

way of helping us get through an abusive

or scary and traumatic situation.

This applies in a clinical therapy

practice, more along the lines of people

who are in controlling or abusive

relationships.

For example, we find a lot of battered

men or women

will refuse to press charges against their

spouse or loved one who abused them.

Many even bail them out of jail after

the police have taken them in because

they've abused them.

Now let's get into the fascinating part,

and the reason Stockholm Syndrome

takes hold.

There are four factors that need to be

in place, and need to happen, so let's

talk about them.

The first, and the kind of obvious one,

is that we must feel threatened-

either physically or psychologically,

and we have to believe that the abuser

or captor will actually act out

on that threat.

The way that we find this happens

most commonly, is indirectly.

Maybe it's breaking things,

throwing things around,

they may even indirectly talk

about harming someone or something

that you really care about-

like threatening to get rid of a

prized possession, or to harm an animal

that you love and care for.

The abuser's goal is actually to get you

to believe that the harm that

they could do is possible,

and may be imminent.

The second condition-

and this is where it starts to,

you can see how it can psychologically

shift for the person being abused, is if

the abuser will then show some

small kindness.

In the instance in Stockholm, Sweden,

in that actual event,

the captors said "Well, they fed us and

gave us water, and they talked about how

hard their life had been as a child".

They will do something to show you

a little kindness to take care of you

a little bit, so that you believe that

they're not all bad.

What this does, is it gives the abused

person hope that the situation

could change.

This could be a small token like

a birthday card, or remembering to

bring dinner home-

any small thing.

A lot of abused spouses will say

"Well, they didn't abuse me when they

normally would."

So even the absence of abuse

with no positive thing added in

can feel like a small token

of kindness.

And you know how I talked about that

event in Stockholm, Sweden,

how they shared some events

about themselves,

that's another part of it-

and that goes into this number two,

that they'll share some hard times

they've been through,

or times they've been abused,

by a mother, or father

or caretaker.

And so that gives them, kind of,

it humanizes them a little bit,

and makes us feel kind of

bad for them.

The third condition

that needs to take place

is being isolated from other perspectives.

The way that this can play out in abusive

relationships, there are a lot

of examples that were given,

one of which is

"I don't like your friends because they

talk bad about me.

I don't want you hanging out with them anymore."

And if we do,

we get abused when we get home,

and so in a way, we're slowly being

conditioned against seeing our friends.

There was an example of a woman who was speaking in one

of the forums I was reading-

where her mother would call just to talk to her,

and tell her that she

was worried about her

and the kids, and so because of that,

then the husband would find out

and would abuse her more for talking

with the mother, so she slowly

started telling her mom,

"Please stop calling, you're just causing

us trouble."

"You're ruining our relationship."

And so, since we're so isolated from any

positive person in our life

or any person who actually

has any insight and is loving

and supportive, all we can see

is that abuse cycle, and that abuse life.

Another way that this is described is

"walking on eggshells".

We will do everything in our control

to make sure that we keep the

abuse at bay.

That may mean seeing things,

and our whole life and perspective

from the abuser's perspective

to make sure that everything is

just the way they like it,

because if it's not,

we don't know what's gonna happen,

and we may fear that they will hurt us.

The fourth and final condition that must

take place, is that we actually feel that

we are not able to escape.

This can be in a lot of fashions,

but one of the most common,

is actually through money.

Many abusers will over extend them,

as a family, or as a couple

so that if the person that's being abused

tries to leave,

they actually can't afford anything,

and they may feel like they'll be out

on the street.

Another way this can happen, is kind of

through the emotional abuse avenue,

where they will know intimate

or embarrassing things about you,

or even threaten to shame you publically.

There was a woman who was speaking

in one of the forums that I've read,

saying that her ex boyfriend made her

do some sexual acts that she wasn't

comfortable with, and then when she

threatened to leave, he said that

he'd videotaped it and was going to

release it on Facebook to all of her

family and friends, and so that

fear, and that embarrassment and shame,

held her captive for another two years.

This can also play out in a threat of

suicide.

A lot of the abusers will say to the

abused, that they will kill themselves

if they leave.

Or, they'll threaten homicide.

They'll threaten to kill a child,

or an animal, or a parent, or someone

else that we love,

if you leave.

And so, the person who's being abused

feels like they really can't,

because they don't want anything bad to

happen to the person because they

actually love and care about them,

or the other people in their lives.

I'm sure if you've learned anything

about the abuse cycle, you can kind of

see how this plays into it, and how it's

so eerily similar.

And the abuse cycle,

I'm looking down at my notes just to

make sure I get them in order,

is tension building,

incident,

reconciliation,

and calm.

And we go around and around.

And so you can see how these

certain conditions,

as they play into it,

can be so similar to the abuse cycle,

and that's why people get stuck in it.

If you know someone who's in an abusive

or controlling relationship,

the best thing that we can do,

is just listen,

and try to be supportive.

Don't talk bad about the relationship,

don't get them to leave, and try to force

them to leave,

because that can only build on

the shame and embarrassment that they

may already feel due to that relationship.

And just being there to listen, and

support them, is honestly, at times,

what they need.

And encouraging them to get some

professional support.

You can talk about how, maybe, you're

in therapy, and it's really helped to

manage some of the things you're

going through, and you wondered if it

might be helpful to them as well.

And doing things kind of passively

is honestly the best way to continue to

have that relationship, so they don't cut

you out, and also be there to support them when

they are ready and strong enough to

make healthy decisions for them and their

family.

And like I said, there is so much more

information on this topic.

I find it so fascinating.