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  • I'll feign interest and ask you what you're doing,

  • but my subtext will be, "I don't really care."

  • I'm trying to buy a computer over the Internet.

  • So you're on the computer trying to buy a computer

  • from, essentially, another computer.

  • And your point is?

  • Who needs you?

  • What are you talking about?

  • Isn't it obvious?

  • You're letting the computers take over.

  • You're a useless appendage doomed to atrophy

  • and to finally disappear.

  • Stop turning this into a science-fiction story.

  • I'm just trying to buy a computer.

  • Ah, that's what they want you to think.

  • What you're really doing

  • is helping computers all around the world

  • link up to form a colossal super-being.

  • Once it achieves consciousness,

  • I'd say the human race

  • has pretty much served its purpose.

  • And I guess then the computers will try to get rid of us?

  • Don't worry.

  • I have a plan to save humanity.

  • That's very noble of you.

  • When I say "save," I mean as in "I save stamps"

  • or "I save old bottles."

  • [EXPLOSION]

  • [music]

  • [CHANTING]

  • [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

  • Ooh, the 750A has a vector cooling system,

  • but the 750B has dynamic memory caching

  • and a modular backplane.

  • Why must I be forced to choose?

  • Can you live without those things?

  • I don't see how that's possible.

  • Maybe I can order a custom-designed model.

  • One of these...

  • One of those...

  • Can't live without that.

  • Oh, now that's a home computer system.

  • The other engineers will be forced to bow before me,

  • and it only costs, what...?

  • $27,000.

  • The other engineers won't even know you have it.

  • They will if I have it delivered to the office.

  • I'll give them some time to drool over it

  • before I bring it home.

  • Hmm, travel miles...

  • vacation miles, phone miles...

  • Here it is. Medical miles.

  • I almost have enough miles to get a free hernia operation,

  • not necessarily when I need it,

  • but whenever they have the excess capacity.

  • Still, it's a good deal.

  • Do you ever worry about putting

  • your credit card information on the Internet?

  • That is the most ridiculous question

  • I have ever heard.

  • It is no riskier to use your credit card online

  • than to use it in any store.

  • Uh, make sure you sign the back.

  • Thank you.

  • Have a nice day.

  • I hear you have excellent rates.

  • DILBERT: It's got redundant raid drives, four terabits each,

  • three-millisecond access time, built-in DSL,

  • wireless game ports, flat-panel 30-inch monitor...

  • ALL: Wow!

  • Truly, you have ordered

  • the finest home computer known to mankind.

  • Well, I don't know if it's the finest ever.

  • Can I touch it if I wash my hands first?

  • Especially this one!

  • I'll have to think about that.

  • That's all I ask!

  • What are you going to name it?

  • Don't be silly.

  • Come on, what's its name?

  • Bill.

  • Excuse me.

  • Don't worry, I do the same thing

  • almost every time I get in the elevator.

  • I don't know if it's the motion or what.

  • I'm looking for someone named Dilbert.

  • Sounds vaguely familiar.

  • I have a package for him.

  • I'll sign for it.

  • "Is the package complete and exactly what you ordered?"

  • Looks about right.

  • Your name is Eunice?

  • That's an alias I use when I go line-dancing.

  • I didn't know you needed an alias to line-dance.

  • You do when you kick as hard as I do.

  • There's a big box by the elevators with your name on it.

  • Why would an elevator have my name on it?

  • [GROANS]

  • You may use my house key to tear open the box.

  • It has very sharp teeth.

  • No, we need the right tools for the job.

  • I once killed a coyote with this key.

  • It was very small.

  • It might have been a potato.

  • I have just the thing.

  • The T300 pocketknife.

  • The T300 is old technology, my friend.

  • Gaze upon the T400.

  • Ow! Ow! Ow! Ouch! Ya!

  • LOUD HOWARD: That doesn't look like

  • the next generation of computing to me!

  • Don't be ridiculous.

  • Of course it's...

  • That's not what I ordered.

  • It's old technology!

  • To think I once respected you.

  • Now the notion fills me with disgust.

  • Oh, where have all the cowboys gone, indeed?

  • Don't write me off yet.

  • This is clearly their mistake, and they will rectify it.

  • Mark my words.

  • WOMAN: If you would like to start over, press 61.

  • Any luck?

  • I don't believe in luck.

  • That's good,

  • because if you did, you wouldn't have any.

  • You've been on hold for an hour.

  • I'm not on hold.

  • I'm waiting for the right menu choice.

  • WOMAN: If you want to speak to a live...

  • recording, press 63.

  • If you want to speak with a representative...

  • of congress, press 64.

  • Tease.

  • No good choices yet?

  • Number 46 was promising, but I don't speak Mandarin

  • and I'm not inquiring about a tractor.

  • Dang, I didn't hear that one.

  • That might have been the one.

  • It's never the one.

  • You think it's the one,

  • but it's just the one that gives you more choices

  • that aren't the one.

  • Comp-U-Comp can't hide from me forever.

  • I'll find a live person to talk to.

  • What if they don't have any live people?

  • They have to have people.

  • Not necessarily.

  • They could automate the ordering

  • and billing systems

  • and outsource all of the manufacturing functions.

  • Are you trying to tell me

  • that the world has already been taken over by computers

  • and we just don't know it?

  • Let's examine the evidence.

  • So far, you've ordered a computer on a computer

  • from a computer, and now you're listening to a computer.

  • Where are the humans?

  • Show me the humans.

  • WOMAN: If you'd like to sleep with me, press 73...

  • I see no humans in this process.

  • Well, that's just crazy.

  • Wait, this might be it.

  • If you would like to speak with an unmotivated employee

  • of a fulfillment house that we pay to take your calls,

  • press 74.

  • Aha! People!

  • [PHONE RINGING]

  • Thank you for calling...

  • uh, Comp-Puke-Comp...

  • or it's perhaps Comp-Ah-Comp...

  • I believe it's Comp-U-Comp.

  • What are you calling me for if you know so much?

  • Before I get to that,

  • first of all, may I have your name?

  • That way they know they're accountable.

  • Uh, my name is...

  • Uh...

  • Hold-- Hold'em.

  • Hold'em Callfielder.

  • Aha. Yes.

  • Well, then, Mr. Callfielder,

  • I'm sure you want to make your customer satisfied, don't you?

  • Yeah, it's all I live for-- that, my minimum wage,

  • and the hope that global warming kills all the rich people first.

  • I'll take that as a yes.

  • Anyway, I would like to return the computer you sent me

  • and get the correct model.

  • Well, according to our records,

  • A "Eunice" says the computer was the right one.

  • I don't know any Eunice.

  • I used to line-dance with a Eunice...

  • until the day she showed up wearing steel-toed boots.

  • Right. Well, the point is, you owe me a new computer.

  • I'm not authorized to approve that.

  • Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor.

  • All right.

  • I'm getting a supervisor.

  • I'm moving up the chain.

  • Hello. This is the supervisor.

  • My name is Callin'...

  • Callin' Holdenphone.

  • Can you approve sending me the computer I ordered?

  • Oh, no, I can only do

  • what my computer screen tells me to do.

  • Well, can you talk to someone who can make a decision?

  • Uh, there isn't anybody like that.

  • No one exists who can override

  • the information on the computer screen?

  • I think I just said that, only using different words.

  • Look, I'm going to go down to your office.

  • We don't have one.

  • Warehouse? No.

  • Headquarters? Uh-uh.

  • Well, you must be somewhere.

  • Where are you located?

  • Uh, I'm not allowed to give out that information.

  • Have a nice day.

  • Well, Dilbert,

  • I see you're in on this little scam too.

  • What scam?

  • This is the post office.

  • If you know the secret password,

  • they give you free merchandise.

  • I have no idea what you're talking about.

  • The secret password is "Bob Johnson."

  • If you say "Bob Johnson,"

  • sometimes they'll go in the back

  • and get a package for you.

  • It also works with "Jim Smith,"

  • but you have to get here early.

  • Don't they ask you for ID?

  • They know me here.

  • They really know how to make me feel wanted.

  • I'd like to mail this package.

  • Next!

  • Bob Johnson.

  • No can do.

  • "No can do"?

  • You used regular adhesive tape.

  • Can't you read the sign?

  • No.

  • That's unacceptable postal packaging.

  • I'll have no part of it.

  • Couldn't you just put some regulation tape on it?

  • You've got a whole roll of it right there.

  • Here you go. I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

  • See you next week.

  • I'll find it and I'll return that piece of junk in person.

  • Come on, you cowardly uber-computer,

  • show yourself.

  • Looks like somebody's not working.

  • I'm working.

  • I didn't say it was you.

  • Nothing but post office mailboxes.

  • It's as if Comp-U-Comp doesn't even exist.

  • MAN: Uh, thank you for calling... Comp-U-Comp.

  • How may I help you?

  • Are you telling me we're THE COMP-U-COMP COMPANY?

  • No, we're just the fulfillment center.

  • I'm not allowed to tell you where Comp-U-Comp is.

  • Greetings, boys.

  • Would you mind pointing me in the direction of my office?

  • It's him-- Eunice!