David: *snore* Cedar.

*snore*

Gwen: Goooood morning, David!

David: Goooood morning, Gwen!

David: Wait- this feels backwards..? Gwen: Yep!

Gwen: But today's the day!

David: *gasp* You've realized your love of Camp Campbell and everything it stands for?!

Gwen: HELL NO!

David: "Help... Wanted?" Gwen: That's right.

Gwen: Found a stash of cash Campbell hid in the quartermaster's store behind a box of grenades.

David: I don't know, Gwen.

Gwen: Are you sure we really need more help?

*window breaks*

*grenade hits the floor*

Nikki: Sorry, foul ball!

Gwen: YES. *furious knocking*

???: Hello, I'm here for the job listing?

Gwen: OMG.

Yes! This is...

???: Gooood morning!

*breathes in and out*

???: Smell that fresh mountain air!

???: Gosh, now that's the kind of nature you don't just find in any ol' neck of the woods.

Gwen: Oh dear lord no.

David: Hello? ???: Oh, well, hello there friend!

???: Where are my manners?

Daniel: My name is Daniel,

Daniel: Your camp counselor applicant.

Daniel: I hope I'm not too late to submit my resume.

David: Too late? You're the first one!

Daniel: Ha! Are you pulling my leg?

David: No leg-pulling here, but we are keen on handshakes! *Eyebrow waggle*

Daniel: Well, who isn't? *Eyebrows twitch*

David: The name's David.

Daniel: Pleasure to meet you, David. David: The pleasure's all mine, Daniel.

David: So, what sort of experience do you have?

Daniel: Well, sadly, my old camp was recently shut down.

Daniel: And ever since, I've been searching night and day

Daniel: for a new group of eager young kiddos I can help to educate and reach their full potential!

David: Did ya' hear that Gwen? I think we just hit the jackpot!

David: This was a great idea! Gwen: Y'know...

Gwen: I think now's the perfect time for me to use my vacation days.

David/Daniel: Aw, Gwen, are you sure?

*Car drives off*

David: Well, more fun for us! Come on, Daniel.

David: I think you're gonna fit in here juuuust fine!

Daniel: I think so too David! I think so too...

OHHHHH~

There's a place I know That's tucked away;

A place where you and I can stay

Where we can go to laugh and play,

And have adventures everyday!

I know it sounds hard to believe

But guys and gals it's true,

Camp Campbell is the place for me and you!

We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees;

Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees!

There's endless possibilities,

And no, that's not hyperbole!

Our motto's "CAMPE DIEM" And that means I'm telling you

We've got:

Archery, Hiking, Search & Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training that will save you from a heart attack,

Scuba diving, Miming, Keeping up with Rhyming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting,

Pre-Calc, Spaceships, Treasure hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal,

Fantasy, Circus trapeze, and Fights, and Ghosts, and Paints, and Snakes,

and Knives, and Chess, and Dance, and Weights–

It's Camp Camp!

David: And that concludes my presentation on what is, and is not, a baseball.

David: So, any questions?

David: Yes, Max.

Max: Who the fuck is that?!

David: Why, what an excellent question!

David: Campbell campers, I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to our newest co-counselor, Daniel!

Daniel: Howdy kiddos!

Space Kid: Howdy-do Daniel!

Max: You've got to be shitting me.

Daniel: Whoa, watch the language there little fella!

David: Watch the language indeed!

David: Just because Daniel here is new, doesn't mean you should treat him any different

David: Than you treat me.

Nikki: Got it! *splat*

Max: He IS you, David! Save for the outfit.

Max: Seriously, freakshow. What's with the cult leader getup?

*ominous music* Daniel: You must be Max.

I've heard aaaaall about you.

Max: O..kay?

David: Daniel, I am SO sorry about this TERRIBLE behavior.

Daniel: Oh don't you worry, co-counselor.

Daniel: They're just, "raggin' on the new guy".

Daniel: I thought this might happen, and so for my first day as camp counselor,

Daniel: I've prepared several exercises that are gonna help cleanse all of us

Daniel: of our negative emotions!

David: Well, that sounds WONDERFUL!

David: You kids are definitely in good hands.

David: I'll go finish up your employment paperwork.

David: In the meantime, try not to have too much fun without me!

David: Just kidding, have all the fun you want!

*door slams*

Daniel: Sooo, children...

Daniel: Is there anybody here who has an interest in... SPACE?

Space Kid: OOH! OOH!! Oh, me! Me!!!

Daniel: Oh, really? Well, that's WONDERFUL!

Space Kid: Yeah... I know all sorts of stuff about space.

Daniel: Well, did you know that all negative emotions actually come FROM space?

Space Kid: Uh. Well, I.... No. I-I didn't.

Daniel: It's true!

Daniel: Our atmosphere is under constant bombardment from negative emotions tied to dark toxins!

*ominous music starts* Daniel: These toxins cling to the matter left over from the Big Bang,

Daniel: meaning that even if we're all pure of heart at birth,

Daniel:we're bathing in a negative-rich environment every SECOND!

Space Kid: Whooooaaa.

Neil: Oookay, I'mma stop you right there.

Neil: Are you suggesting that the massive explosion responsible for the creation of the universe

Neil: is also responsible for some sort of endless, radioactive evil?

Daniel: Oh, no. Not at all!

Daniel: The Big Bang didn't create the universe!

It was just a side effect of the Millenia Wars, started by Zeemuug and the Galactic Confederacy!

Neil: Riiiight.

*violin shrieking* Daniel: You must be Neil.

Daniel: David told me about you were quite the... inquisitive little fellow. *ominous music*

Neil: He-hey, buddy. let's try to recognize some... personal space here.

Daniel: Why do you feel the need to question everything, Neil?

*neck crack* What good has it led to?

Well. For one, I'm not walking around, talking about "Zeemuug".

Daniel: Buuuut, are you happy with your life?

Are you at peace?

Or do you find yourself filled with anxiety and doubt?

Doesn't the world seem awfully scary?

Nerf: It DOES!

Well, what if I told you it didn't have to be?

I don't really know what you're selling here, Daniel...

...But I am BUYING it!

Daniel: Then help me, help you.

..Help others!

YEAHHH! I'M HELPING!!!!

Daniel: Excellent! Now who else wants to help and reach ascension~?

Max: Oh my fuck, he's ACTUALLY-

Max: A CULTIST!

YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT!

David: Whoa, whoa! What's wrong, kids?

And why aren't you with Daniel?

Oh. You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp!?!

Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please.

Neil: He gave everyone a "de-toxification diet", then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram!

He's bilingual, AND cares about nutrition?

Nikki: Hey, Daviiiid~?

David: Yes, Nikki?

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID! *smack*

If you don't believe us, then come see for yourself.

*BANG*

Daniel: Well! What a pleasant surprise!

David, kids! Welcome!

*in creepy unison* Welcome!

David: Wowzers Daniel! This all looks incredible!

What's it for?

Daniel: Why, it's to celebrate, of course!

Your campers have all been SO cooperative,

and by the end of the day, I know everyone here will be

cleansed of their hateful ways and ready to ascend to the next level!

Nikki: Heeey, where ARE the campers?

Most are helping prepare for today's festivities,

But a few of them are still hangin' around in the Purification Sauna!

David: You built a SAUNA?!

Max: THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO FOCUS ON, DAVID!

Daniel: Dolph, Nerf, why don't you show your friends to the sauna?

So they'll quit worryin', and start hurryin'..

...their way to FUN!

*spooky violins*

Purified!Dolph: So... who vants to go first?

Preston: PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME!

HELP MEEEE...

Neil: I would just like to point out the fucked-up implications

of specifically YOU putting specifically ME into a gas chamber.

Purified!Dolph: Ah! Zis is no gas chamber!

Ve just use high-pressured steam,

und subliminal messaging to deconstruct your psyche,

und rebuild you in a form zat vill please ze Ancient Ones!

Purified!Preston: *monotone* And I love it.

*gasps*

Purified!Ered: Oh, hey guys.

You dudes are just in time to help prep for the killer party...

Purified!Nerris: Daniel says that once we've all been cleansed,

we shall consume this wonderful elixir, and ascend to our final form.

*sips*

QM: Hmm. Was better in Jonestown.

Purified!Nerris: Isn't that right, Daniel?

Daniel: Right you are, Nerris!

(Screams)

Neil: MAX! DO SOMETHING!

Max: You maniac! You brainwashed the entire camp!

Daniel: "Brainwashed"? No, no, no!

I just appealed to their emotions, and showed them the light!

People don't wanna think, Max!

They just wanna feel safe.

And feelings beat facts, ANY day!

Daniel: Now... Don't you wanna feel safe, too?

David: THERE YOU ARE!

I was wondering where everyone had run off to!

Max: DAVID! Oh, thank god!

You have to stop him! He's insane!

David: Max, I have had it up to HERE with your bad behavior today!

Max: But it's all right here! Right in front of you!

Proof that Daniel's actually a religious cult leader that's gonna brainwash and kill every last one of us!

Purified!Neil/Nikki: We love you, Daniel...

David: Well, all I see are happy faces!

Great work, Daniel!

Daniel: Aw, shucks. Thanks David!

Aaaall right kids, let's start pouring that punch!

And prepare for Ascension!

All the Purified! babies: YAAAAAY!

Max: ...Fine. If THINKING is too hard, I'll do it Daniel's way.

David, you're right.

I've been awfully mean today.

David: Aw, it's okay Max.

I know making new friends can sometimes be a little scary.

Max: Well, it's just because... I was scared for YOU!

David: For me?

I mean, it's just so OBVIOUS that Daniel's a better camp counselor than you.

David: *nervously* What are you talking about?

Max: Just look at him! In one DAY, he's managed to get everyone and working together!

Max: Something you and Gwen could NEVER do.

Everyone LOVES Daniel!

The Purified! children: We love you, Daniel!

David: W-well, that's good!

Max: Well, Good for US, sure. But you?

Once Cameron finds out that ONE camp counselor can do the job of TWO...

he's DEFINITELY gonna let you and Gwen go.

Dream-Cameron: Boy, I sure am glad I fired the HECK out of those other two loser counselors!

All I need is you, Daniel! And no one else.

David: Nnnn..

Dream-Cameron: I SAID, no one else.

David: I can't imagine a life without Camp Campbell!

But, surely Daniel can't be THAT threatening!

I mean, it's not like EVERYONE loves him. Right, Max?

...Max?

Purified!Max: I love you, Daniel

*gasps*

David: But... that's not right. Max doesn't love ANYTHING!

Daniel: So, David. Care to join us for a drink?

David: Hmph!

Daniel. I-I'm actually afraid that.. we need to let you go.

I just don't think you're a good fit for Camp Campbell.