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  • Remember my Christmas Wish List episodes?


  • That was when I answered to one of my biggest requests.


  • "The request I hear all the time is 'the bad Sonic the Hedgehog games'."


  • "What bad Sonic games?"


  • In this episode, I talked about how awesome the Sonic franchise was,

    あのエピソードでは、まずソニックシリーズの 素晴らしさについて語った後、

  • but then examined some of the titles that I hadn't played 'til then,

    それまでやったことが無かった 数タイトルをプレイした

  • and these are the ones you could say were... not so good.

    そいつらは確かにまあ…良ゲーとは 言えない代物だった

  • But the requests still continue.


  • The game everyone keeps pointing me to is Sonic the Hedgehog, or Sonic '06 as it's known by.

    それがこの「ソニック・ザ・ヘッジホッグ」、 いわゆる「新ソニ(ソニック’06)」だ

  • But I can't imagine it being that bad because it's Xbox 360, it's only slightly over 10 years old.

    だが、たった10年前のXbox360のゲームが そんなに酷いというのは想像しがたい

  • I mean, how bad could this po--


  • It's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?!


  • Oh wow, the opening scene looks great!


  • I mean, the graphics are great, but what am I looking at exactly?

    グラフィックは素晴らしいが、 こりゃ一体何のゲームだ?

  • Is this Final Fantasy meets Pacific Rim?


  • Then Dr. Robotnik shows u-- I mean, 'scuse me, Eggman, I'll never get used to that.

    ここでDr.ロボトニック…もとい、Dr.エッグマンが現れる …この呼び方にはどうも慣れんが

  • And then Sonic comes in, but... where are we?!


  • This doesn't look like any Sonic universe that I know!


  • And then we get a loading screen... ugh...


  • And then... another cutscene.


  • Yeah, there's loading in-between the cutscenes.


  • But the second scene looks nothing like the other!


  • Now it looks more like the in-game graphics, but you're not playing it!

    実際のゲームのグラフィックみたいだが、 まだプレイできないんだ

  • Then there's ANOTHER load screen!


  • And after that, the game finally starts, but the loading only gets worse!

    その後ようやくゲームが始まるが、 ロード事情は一切改善しない!

  • Any time you push a button, or do anything, or scratch your nose, it loads.

    ボタンを押す、何かする、鼻をかく、 何をするにもロードだ

  • Like here, look at this: You go up to talk to someone, it loads.

    例えばこの場面だ 誰かに話しかけると、それだけでロード

  • Then they say something, and it loads again.


  • And the loading can take as long as 20 seconds, maybe more!


  • So far this game has given me nothin' but shit!


  • The game is giving me shit!


  • No, no, no!


  • What're we doing in a town anyway?


  • I'm not aware of any Sonic games where Sonic the Hedgehog is coexisting with human beings.

    人間とソニックが一緒にいる ソニックゲーは初めてだ

  • I mean, look at this guy! He doesn't belong in a Sonic game!

    ほら、こいつを見てみろよ! これはソニックのキャラじゃないだろ

  • He looks like he should be doing your taxes!


  • And they're all speaking a thousand silent words per minute!

    しかも口とセリフが合わず 四六時中パクパクやってる

  • Especially him! The only word on the screen is 'Welcome', but his mouth is moving like crazy!

    こいつなんか特にひどいぞ 画面には「ようこそ」としか表示されていないのに、口は 狂ったように動いていやがる

  • What could he possibly be saying?!


  • Welcome, welcome welcome, welcome welcome welcome, welcome,

    ようこそ、ようこそ、ようこそ、ようこそ ようこそ、ようこそ、ようこそ

  • welcomewelcomewelcome welcomewelcomewelcome...

    ようこそようこそようこそようこそ ようこそようこそ…

  • Here we have Bob Hoskins from Super Mario Bros. the Movie.

    ちなみに実写版スーパーマリオの ボブ・ホスキンズも出演してる

  • Then there's this crack addict in an alley.


  • Heyheyhey, d-d-didyouseethat didyouhearthat [gibbering maniacally]


  • comingafterme [gibbering] crack crack crack I need the crack!!

    わたしについてこ、こ、[不明]こ、コカインコカイン コカインが欲しいんだよ早くよこせ!

  • This guy's moving around like a creepy marionette dummy.

    こいつも不気味な操り人形みたいに 動き回ってる

  • And this old woman bugs me out too! [ominous music]

    この婆さんなんか、 見てるとこっちまでおかしくなりそうだ

  • [ominous music]

    更に酷いことに、街中に同じ人物が 出現する

  • What makes this whole thing even more disturbing is that the same people are repeated throughout the town.


  • What is this place?!


  • You could harass people in this game too.

    特に効果が残るわけではなく、奴らの 一日を台無しにする程度だ

  • It doesn't have any lasting effects, it's just enough to make their day miserable.


  • Whoa, what's happening here?!

    数秒前までテイルスがいたのに、 急にゲームから攻撃を受けてやがる!

  • Tails was here for a second, and now the game is beating itself up!

    あぁ、やっちまった、やっちまった! 総員避難だ、身を守れっ!

  • Aah, it's fuckin' up, it's fuckin' up!! Take cover, take cover!!


  • There's a bunch of guards blocking the path,


  • but if you try, you can actually run past them... slightly.

    守衛はここを守ってるんじゃなく、たまたま 見えない壁の前に立ってるだけなのさ

  • They're not blocking it, there's some kind of unseen force that they happen to be standing in front of.


  • Other times, there's nothing there at all!


  • The whole game is enclosed by invisible barriers!


  • So, where do I go?


  • [Tails screams] Did Tails just kill himself?!


  • [Tails screams]


  • He did!


  • [Tails screams]

    どこかへ向かうためには、まずこの靴をくれる イカレ爺と話さなきゃならない

  • He just couldn't take it!

    靴だぁぁぁぁ! 靴だぞぉぉぉぉぉ!

  • The game was THAT bad!

    靴を手に入れると、今度は 大量の輪をくぐらされる

  • [splash!]

    ソニックは自分を何だと思ってるんだ? スーパーマンか?

  • To get anywhere, first you have to talk to this raving madman who gives you shoes!

    あぁ…それを終えると、 ライトチップの購入が可能になる

  • Shoooees! Shoooeees!

    これで水の上を飛んで、 スタート地点へ行ける…(笑)

  • Once you have the shoes, you get to run through a bunch of hoops.


  • Who does Sonic think he is, Superman?!

    ステージが始まると、リアルさが薄れ、 ソニックゲーらしくなってくる

  • Ugh... after you do that, you're able to buy the light chip,


  • which allows you to jump across the water, which leads to the entrance... [laughing]

    ロボと戦ったり、ループ状の坂を走り抜けたり、 あらゆる楽しいことができる…

  • The entrance... to Level 1!


  • In the level, the game takes on a fantasy style, which is more like what you'd expect from a Sonic game.


  • This is where the action begins.


  • You're fighting robots, you're running around loops, you're doing all the fun stuff you'd want...

    まるで犬の糞まみれの トランポリンで遊んでいるみたいだ

  • ... but it's not fun!

    ほとんどの部分は自動化されてて、 正しいタイミングでボタンを押すだけになってる

  • It almost is, you're doing something that would normally be fun,

    そうすればソニックが 着地すべき場所に着地する…たとえそこがシャチの上でも

  • but there's something on top of it that's making it less preferable,

    見た目は格好良いだろうが、 ほとんどの部分は操作していないんだ

  • Like jumping on a trampoline with a bucketful of dog turds on it!

    敵に遭遇すると、ソニックは 自動で標的をロックオンしてくれる

  • Most of the experience is sort of automated: All you do is push buttons at the right time,


  • and Sonic jumps to wherever he's supposed to land, including a killer whale!

    だがゲームプレイは刻々と変化するので、 適当にやることもできない

  • It looks cool, but you're not controlling much of it.


  • When you take out enemies, Sonic automatically locks on to his target,

    「ダミーリングボム」なる 数種類の武器も手に入る

  • so all you're doing is tapping the button over and over!


  • But the gameplay changes every ten seconds, so there's no way to really sum it up.

    他にはどんなのがあるんだ、 「ラリラリジェムガン」とかか?

  • It's all over the place!

    カメラ角度を変更できるが、 カメラの進行方向に何かあると引っかかる

  • You also get some kinda weapon called a Dummy Ring Bomb.

    まるで本物のカメラがあって、それが そこら中にぶつかってるみたいだ

  • What kinda name is that?


  • What else is there, Dope Gem Gun?!


  • You can move the camera angle, but if there's anything in your way, the camera stops,


  • as if there's physically a camera that exists which bangs into everything!


  • [TWACK!] Ugh!!


  • Then there's other times when the camera angles are automatic,

    テイルスに切り替わったが、何の警告も無かった上 デフォルトで間違った向きを向いてやがる!

  • but there's a few moments where Sonic actually runs past the camera!


  • Aw man, I knew we should've got the Flash!

    だがステージの最初に戻る訳じゃない ああクソッ

  • Hey, just hanging on the whale here...


  • Um... what just happened?!


  • It switched to Tails, but there's hardly any warning, and it faces you in the wrong direction!


  • [Tails screams some more]


  • Not to mention, when you die, you go back.

    これより酷いのは、Xboxからディスクが 吐き出され、ケースに戻され、

  • Not back to the start of the level, oh no!

    勝手に再梱包されてゲーム店に戻り、 再び買わなきゃいけなくなることくらいだろうよ!

  • Not back to the town either, no, no!


  • You go back... to the opening cutscene.

    すると門が閉まって シャチが外に出られなくなる

  • Damn!

    つまりシャチを罠にかけるのが 目的だったってことか?

  • Is that a punishment or what?!

    スポックならきっと「これはあなたのシャチじゃあないぜ」 と言うだろうな

  • The only thing worse I could think of is if the Xbox spit out the game, which landed back inside the case,

    てっきり「フリー・ウィリー」みたいに シャチを逃がしてやるんだと思ってたよ

  • which re-shrinkwrapped itself and flew back to the store so you had to buy it again!

    ところで、「フリー・ウィリー」のポスターって 子供がシャチを殴ってるように見えないか?

  • Anyway, I made it to the end of the stage,

    シャチが宙に浮くほど強く殴れる奴なんて いるのかよ?

  • a gate comes down which prevents the whale from getting out...


  • So the goal all along was to trap the whale?!

    ともかくシャチを閉じ込めた後も、 何となくステージは続く

  • As Spock would say: This is not the hell your whale!


  • I thought you'd be freeing the whale, like Free fuckin' Willy!

    プレイヤーは視界に入るあらゆるものを 避けなければならない

  • By the way, don't you think on the poster of Free Willy, it looks like the kid is punching the whale?


  • Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard that it becomes airborne?


  • You don't fuck with that kid!


  • Anyway, after the whale the stage still goes on, because it feels like it.

    一体何の専門用語だよ? 「場面ステージをクリアしました」って 言ってるのとと大差ないぞ

  • Now Sonic is running automatically at top speed.


  • You have to steer to avoid smashing face-first into everything in sight.

    そのあと羽が見つかって、ソニックは 姫が別の場所へ向かったと察する

  • I'm gonna die... I'm gonna die, I'm gonna d--!

    正気か? 「姫は別の城にいる」なんて でたらめを抜かしてやがる

  • I won.


  • "Cleared ACT Mission?"

    あと、羽が落ちるシーンを見ると フォレスト・ガンプのオープニングを思い出す

  • What kinda terminology is that? That's like saying "Cleared LEVEL Stage!"

    ママはいつも言ってた、 人生は箱一杯のクソみたいなものだって

  • This game is dick cock.


  • After this you find a feather, which clues in Sonic that the Princess was moved to another location.

    そしてまた街へ向かう…そう、 この街が全ステージへの中継地点なのさ

  • Seriously? You're gonna pull that "Princess is in another castle" bullshit?!

    ステージをクリアするたび、街に戻って ふざけた依頼をこなさなきゃならない

  • This isn't Super Mario Bros.!


  • Also, when the feather falls down, it reminds me of the opening scene of Forrest Gump.


  • Mah momma always said, life was like a box o' shit.

    はいはい、バカみたいにそこら中を 駆け回って、そいつを探しますか…

  • Ya always gonna get shit.

    全員に話しかけたが、 誰もリーダーのことなんか知らない

  • So we're in the town again... yeah, the town is like the main hub which links you to all the stages.

    仕方がないのでピエトロに話しかけると、 リーダーを見つけたか聞いてくる

  • So every time you beat a stage, you have to go back to the town and complete some other asinine goal.

    いいえを選ぶと、「じゃあまだ待つよ」 と言われる

  • For example, there's an area which you're trying to gain access to.


  • The guard, Pietro, says to find the captain.

    他に話しかける奴もいないので、 またピエトロの方へ

  • Alright, so now I'm running all over the place like an idiot, trying to find this person...

    「リーダーを見つけたか」だと? むう…

  • I talk to everyone, and nobody knows who the captain is.


  • Now I'm talkin' to Pietro again, he asks me if I found the captain.

    すると、リーダーだと思った奴に 話しかけて来いと言う

  • I say no, he says "Let's wait a while".


  • So once again, I'm runnin' around aimlessly.


  • There's nobody else to talk to, so I go back to Pietro again...


  • "Did you find the Captain?" Hm...


  • Yes. Fuck it.

    ゲームデザインがクソなのもあるが、 これは完全に意図的な引っ掛けだろ!!

  • Now he says go talk to the person who I think is the captain.

    からかいやがって! 騙されちまった!

  • Oh, so it's like a guessing game now?


  • Wait a minute... is it Pietro?!


  • "You guessed it, I'm the captain"?!

    マジかよ、ソニックゲーで ソニックが迷子の犬を探すのか?

  • It was this asshole the whole time?!

    これは別にサイドクエストじゃなく、 ゲームを進めるのに必須のクエストなんだぜ

  • Shitty game design is one thing, but this was an intentional cheap shot!

    犬を探してそこら中 駆け回ってみるが、見つかりゃしない

  • They pulled a joke! They fucked you over!

    仕方なく子供の方へ戻り、 どっちの方を指差しているか確認する

  • Assholes!

    彼によると犬は向こうにいるそうだ まあヒントにはなるだろう

  • Then there's a kid who wants you to find his dog.


  • Really? A Sonic the Hedgehog game where Sonic has to retrieve a lost dog?!


  • This isn't a sidequest, this is something you NEED to do to progress in the game!


  • So I'm runnin' all over the place, lookin' for this dog... but no luck.


  • So I go back to the kid to see which direction he's pointing...

    犬を探す方法は分かるだろ! 張り紙をすればいいんだよ!

  • He says the dog is over there. Okay, that should help.

    思いついてしかるべきことだし、 ペットを飼うというのは責任を持つことだろ

  • But... hang on, where's he pointing?!

    もし犬が迷子になったら、 立ったまま壁を指差してるんじゃなく、

  • Wait...


  • You can't be serious!


  • He's pointing at a wall!!

    …ま、待て、ちょっと止まって考えてみろ 犬は本物に忠実にデザインされているが、

  • You know what kid, how about YOU find the dog! Put up some posters!

    その隣には巨大な、マンガタッチの ハリネズミがいる!!