monitored or recorded because we're Big Bank and

we can do whatever the fuck we want.

- [Woman On Phone] Thank you for calling Big Bank,

your call is not important to us.

- Hi, I have a question that I could easily

take care of online.

- Great, is this Miss Alison Beardsley?

I'm making sure to use your full name

so this whole interaction feels uncomfortable.

- This is her.

I'm using my business voice because I want

to be taken seriously, despite the fact that it's 1:15,

and I just woke up for the day.

- Okay now, Miss Beardsley, do you know your account number?

- No one fucking does.

- And you probably won't give me

your social security number because

you're paranoid or some shit.

Which makes my job extra hard.

- I really hate your bank and how you reperesnt

corporate greed in America.

- But you're too lazy to find a credit union.

- And I think that if I ever change banks,

all my money will disappear.

- (laughs) We know that.

It looks like there's a problem with your account.

Oh, you're gonna be angry.

- I'm probably gonna yell at you

like you personally did this to me.

- You sure are!

Your account is overdrawn by 178 dollars

because of a gym membership you never use.

- What the fuck?

- There it is!

- Can I speak to

Can I maybe speak to your manager?

- No, but I will put you on hold for a minute

so I can have a break from you.

- ♫ Well it looks like you got put on hold

♫ So here's some random goddamn eighties song

♫ You got some bad news and you flipped your shit

♫ So you got put on hold

♫ You got put on hold, baby

♫ Put on hold

♫ Yeah

- Here's what I'll do.

I'll waive one tiny fee,

so it feels like you've accomplished something on this call.

- That doesn't fix my problem at all.

- There better not be anything else I can help you with.

- No, and God, you're not gonna do that thing where

you just recap everything we did in the last two minutes

like I wasn't even here, are you?

- Of, course!

It's my damn job!

- I'm not in a hurry, but I never wanted to make

this call in the first place, so every minute

I'm talking to you is terrible.

- It doesn't matter.

You won't hang up because you'll feel like a total asshole.

- That's true.

- First, you ate leftover Indian food

that's been sitting by your bed for three days?

- I sure did.

I do gross shit when I'm alone.

- Then I verified your identity, while you googled

'Will there ever be a show like The Bachelor for gay women'.

- I just wanna be prepared.

- And then you scrolled through Facebook

and deleted pictures from high school.

- Then I screamed at you

because I don't know how to manage my own money.

- That's right,

and it only took refunding you 12 dollars to calm you down,

which is just pathetic.

- Thanks for rewarding me

being an asshole to a complete stranger.

I may never realize how misplaced my anger is.

- That's what we do.

My life is a fucking nightmare.

Now, would you like to go paperless?

- Yes, please, stop sending me any--

- (laughs) It'll never happen.

(click)

[Recording On Phone] Thank you for calling Big Bank.

Goodbye.

- Hey what's up, its Alli from College Humor.

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