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[mechanical breathing with music playing]
Fode Voiceover: And they're headed for the finish line.
The dust is too thick, I can't make out who it is. Wait...
Who is it? It's...
It's... Ani!
Voiceover crowd: [chanting] Ani! Ani! [mechanical breathing with music playing]
[mechanical breathing, music ends]
Excuse me?
Lord Vader.
Ani: Please, please call me...
Ani!
[audience laughs/cheers] [applause]
How you doin'?
Fine.
How are you?
Oh, pretty good, can't complain.
Just looking out into space, you know?
Thinking about the good old days
That's the thing about the good old days.
You never know you're in 'em, till they're gone.
So, what's up?
Your meeting with the Imperial Officers...
Oh no, I got plenty of time before the-
Oh cripes! I'm late!
[Song: Ani]
♪ (There!) There he is. ♪
♪ He isn't like you or me. ♪
♪ He's a man. (Huh!) ♪
♪ Just a man. (Huh!) ♪
♪ And he's better than you've ever seen. ♪
[indistinct muttering]
♪ (He!) He's a hero ♪ [indistinct muttering]
[indistinct muttering]
♪ The captain of the team. ♪ [indistinct muttering]
Tarkin: Oh! Motti: Oh my goodness! ♪ He is something so incredible. ♪
Tarkin: Oh, watch where you're going! Motti: Oh no! ♪ He is something so incredible ♪
♪ And he's being all he can be. ♪
♪ You can look, but you can't touch. ♪ (Oooooooooooooohhh)
♪ It is hard to believe. ♪ (Ooooooooohhh)
♪ 'Cause he's here, in the flesh. ♪ (Ooooooooooooooohhh)
♪ Finally... ♪
♪ Ani! ♪
♪ Ani! ♪
♪ Ani! ♪
♪ Ani! ♪
Ani: Hey, look at these guys.
You know sometimes I get you guys confused?
I'm just kidding, you guys are clones.
But hey, if you guys are clones, how'd this one get so ugly?
I'm kiddin' again! You're both beautiful.
That's the thing, I joke, but I love everybody.
Say, do you guys like Star Wars jokes?
Stormtrooper 1: Yeah, sure.
Ani: Oh great!
Well, I don't have too much time; I'm on my way to a meeting,
but I'm workin' on a set of Star Wars knock-knock jokes.
Like for example, knock-knock.
Stormtrooper 1: Who's there?
Ani: Yoda.
Stormtrooper 1: Yoda who?
Ani: Yoda man.
[Laughter]
Stormtrooper 1: Oh, okay.
Ani: You see what I did there?
I made it sound like I said 'you're the man.'
It's a double meaning!
A humorous play on words, and...
that's where the comedy comes in.
Hey, don't worry about it,
sometimes my jokes go over peoples' heads.
It makes sense, I'm a big guy, you know?
Stormtrooper 1: Yeah...
Ani: All right, I'll see you later.
♫ Wait! ♫
♫ Wait and see. ♫
♫ It's better than the movies. ♫
♫ Watch him go. ♫
♫ Go! ♫
♫ Don't you know? ♫ [indistinct muttering]
[indistinct muttering]
♫ There's more to him than you see. ♫
Tarkin: Oh! Oh! Motti: Oh no no no! ♫ There's more to him than you see. ♫
Motti: Very bad!
Tarkin: Dangerous!
Ani: Sorry about that guys.
Hey do you guys like Star Wars jokes?
Tarkin: I guess.
Ani: Oh great! Knock knock. Tarkin: Who's there?
Ani: R2D. Motti: R2D who?
Ani: No R2-D2! Gotcha! Motti: Oh...
Ani: I'll see you later.
♫ Rock! ♫
♫ Rock and roll! ♫
♫ He's the one that no one can control. ♫
♫ Oh no. ♫
♫ No! ♫
♫ Let him go. ♫
♫ How does he do it? No one knows! ♫
♫ You can look, but you can't touch ♫
♫ It is hard to believe ♫
♫ 'Cause he's here, in the flesh ♫
♫ Finally! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ Ani! Won't you realize we're all rooting for you? (Ani!) ♫
♫ Ani! We can't wait any more I think we're ready to GO! ♫
♫ I think we're ready to go...YEAH! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ Ani! ♫
♫ I think we're ready now... ♫
♫ I think we're ready to GO! ♫
[Cheering, applause]
♫ Music playing ♫
Motti: All right, Tarkin, I say we just start without him.
Lord Vader is 25 minutes late already.
Hmm. I suppose you're right.
Motti: Yes.
Now, gentlemen. Today is a monumental day.
As the Moff in charge of the program,
I would like to extend my congratulations
to each and every one of you
on the completion of this fully operational battle station.
Motti: Put her there, old boy.
Now of course there are still a few kinks to work out,
and we all know that we need to just settle on a name for this thing.
God knows we can't just keep calling it the Death Star.
Motti: No. [Laughter]
Officer 2: Yes, it is a bit macabre.
Tarkin: I agree.
I do agree with you. [Laughter]
It's also not a very family friendly name, either.
Veers: Why, do you mean?
Tarkin: Yes I do. You all know what I'm hinting at.
I'll be finishing up with the safety inspector momentarily
and they're finally going to be giving me clearance
to bring your wives and children aboard!
[pleasant chatter]
Motti: Congratulations, old boy.
There is a lot to celebrate
and I do think you all deserve a big pat on the back.
Motti: Well thank you, and there's one for you. Ha ha ha.
Now, I need to go sign a few last release forms,
and I'll be back with you shortly.
Gentlemen.
And, friends, I'd like to add,
seeing as how a certain someone isn't here,
I don't think any of us deserve to be choked, eh? Ha ha.
Yes. I have always wondered,
besides standing in the corner like this and choking us,
what does Lord Vader actually do?
I honestly couldn't tell you.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
He's not the personnel supervisor like he keeps saying. That's me.
He...he simply doesn't belong in these meetings.
He never offers any ideas, nor is he qualified to.
Yes, and then there's that thing about his religion.
Ooh, you can't talk about that.
Veers: Oh...noooo [Laughter]
Even so, it is curious, isn't it?
It has something to do with...with...with
Kyber crystals, is that right?
It's not very Christian.
No...no.
[Laughter]
At any rate, we should all just be glad that he is not here now, so...
Ani: Hi, you guys. I'm here.
Motti: Oh.
Ani: Sorry, I'm late. I got caught up doing, uh,...
[Exhausted sigh]
Work, you know? These personnel aren't gonna just supervise themselves, am I right?
You know you guys can just call me Darth Later. [Ba dum tss]
[Laughter]
Alright, time for a meeting.
Gonna talk about some important stuff.
I like that. I like that a lot.
I'm just gonna stand back here like this,
make sure you guys stay on track.
[Laughter]
No screwing around.
Okay, you can start.
Thank you. Now, uh, gentlemen,
there is one subject which is in urgent need of discussion,
and that's the glaring design flaw in our exhaust ports...
Hey, aren't you gonna ask me where I got my new cape?
I'm sorry?
Why don't you ask me where I got my new cape?
Uh, where did you...
At the Darth Mall. [Ba dum tss] [Laughter]
Just thought I'd start the meeting out on the right foot with a joke.
I know it's a Sith joke, but you guys can still laugh.
Not too hard now, not too hard.
'Cause you know, it's my religion.
[Laughter]
Okay, continue.
Thank you. So, as I was saying,
these exhaust ports are actually leaving us rather vulnerable, and---
I just want to say something real quick.
So I've heard through the old grapevine
that some of you feel like I don't contribute any ideas.
Motti: Uh, well, I...
It's okay, we're cool, no hurt feelings but, uh,
I wanna show you that I'm part of the team,
so I'd like to run an idea past you guys
that I think you're really gonna like.
Oh, well, alright, Lord Vader, what is your idea?
Okay, so today I'm flying around in my TIE Fighter
coming into the docking bay when I realize
what this battle station looks like.
I mean, you guys have seen the Death Star from the outside,
so you know what I'm talking about.
What's it look like?
Officer 2: Uh...A moon?
Veers: Or a sphere.
A hooter. You know, a knocker.
[Laughter]
Motti: You mean...
....a breast?!!
[Laughter]
Yeah, a jug. It's even got a little dark circle off the center like a nipple.
Oh, well, well. I'm quite sure that was unintentional, Lord Vader.
No, it's a happy accident. Why not go with it?
If we're the first to acknowledge it,
we'll take the wind out of everybody's sails.
'Cause you know those Rebels are gonna see this thing
and say, Hey! Look at that boob!
The Empire's a bunch of boobs.
We can all imagine the kind of trash
the Rebels are gonna talk,
so let's just say, yes, we are an evil empire
but also, we've got a sense of humor.
And what is your point, Lord Vader?
Okay, okay okay, so you know how we're building a second Death Star over at site B?
Motti: Of course.
Well I was thinking, once they're both done,
we take the two Death Stars,
[Laughter]
we latch them together to make a giant
[Laughter]
pair of tatties.
[Laughter]
And, uh,
[Laughter]
that's my idea, so...
Alright, all in favor of the proposal
to turn the twin Death Stars into big breasts,
please raise your hand.
[Laughter]
Ani: Hey, c'mon guys, don't be shy.
Hey, Veers, c'mon Veers.
Listen, Lord Vader, I'm sorry, but it appears
your proposal to turn a 30-year program
of a most serious nature
into a bit of potty humor, has been, well, rejected.
You know what, you guys heard me out. You didn't like the idea.
You thought it was a dumb idea, so just, uh...
forget it.
Okay, we will.
Now one little laser could kill us if it's shot down these exhaust ports, I cannot str---
But, why is it a dumb idea?
What? To turn the Death Star into a giant boob?
Yeah!
Well, first of all, it's a bit of silly nonsense, thank you!
And secondly, I really don't appreciate your decorum in these meetings,
your arriving late, your constant interruptions.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
could you please not come to these meetings anymore?
I'm sorry, boys, someone had to say it.
Wow.
You just dropped a bomb on me, Motti.
Okay, okay, I get it. I'm a joke. You guys hate me. But, uh,
you know, I got something for you, Motti.
Motti: That's really unnecessary. Ani: Oh no, you're gonna love it, trust me.
Motti: I'm not allowed to accept gifts as part of my positi--
Ani: Oh, here it is. [Choking noises]
Here you go, how do you like it? [Choking noises]
What, are you guys feeling left out? [Choking noise]
Officers: No, no. [Choking noises]
Ani: No problem, I brought enough for everybody! [Choking noises]
[Choking noises]
[Heavy breathing]
Alright.
Meeting adjourned!
Motti: Jesus Christ!
[Laughter]
Officer 2: What a dick.
[Laughter, Heavy breathing]
Ani: Hey guys. Officers: Woah!
I just want to apologize real quick.
I lost my temper back there.
Shouldn't have tried to Force-choke you guys.
I mean, you guys are right. I've been, uh,
silly, but, uh,
you know what? Officers: Uh-oooooh.
I'm gonna come in tomorrow with some new ideas for you,
serious ones this time,
and a few new Star Wars jokes for you.
Ani: But in the meantime, uh, I don't know.
Can I get anybody something to drink?
How about some coffee?
Hey, Veers, you want some coffee?
Veers: Uh, yeah I'll have a coffee. Ani: Great.
Officer 2: Uh, coffee's all right for me
Motti: Yes, I suppose a tea would be nice.
Ani: How about some snacks?
You know what, I'll just bring chips for the whole table.
Officer 2: Actually, could we have pretzels?
Pretzels, right?
Motti: Uh, yeah.
Ani: Pretzels it is.
Motti: Alright, thank you.
[applause]
Tarkin: I want to thank you for all of the good work
that you've put in around here.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to my meeting.
Have a nice day.
Oh!
Ani: Sorry about that. That's my fault.
Hey, wait a minute.
Tarkin.
Moff Jeffrey Tarkin. There, old buddy, old pal.
How in the heck are you?
Yes, hello, Lord Vader.
Please, please call me Ani. All my friends do.
Alright.
Ani.
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
Ani.
Would you terribly mind..
getting out of my way?
You see, I'm returning to my meeting over there, and I...
Oh no, you're not.
Yes, I am.
I cannot be absent for the remainder of the meeting...
You're coming with me to get some coffee.
Oh no, terribly sorry, but I really cannot be--
Hey, Tarky, let's go. Coffee time. C'mon.
Alright, let's do it very quickly.
Ani: Alright!
Oh, this is great.
This is really great.
So Moff, that's a pretty funny name. That your first name?
No, actually Moff is a title.
It's a rank, like captain or general.
Yeah but has anyone ever screwed up
and called you Muff Tarkin?
You know like a muff.
Ani: You know what a muff is, Tarkin? Tarkin: Yes.
[Laughter]
It's another word for female parts,
if you catch my meaning.
Yeah, I do, I do.
Has anyone ever screwed up, and said that?
Maybe like 'Hey! Quit Tarkin all the muff!'
[Laughter]
Has anybody ever done that?
Yes, well, actually you've yelled that at me a number of times.
[Laughter]
Ani: You knew that was me? Tarkin: Yes.
Ani: Oh, Tarky, you're great. Tarkin: Oh!
Love what we're doing right now.
Just a couple guys
going to get some Java.
Tarkin: Mmhmm.
[Laughter]
Hey, Tarky. What do you call a guy that drinks too much Java?
Like he drinks so much Java
he gets all fat like a slug and he can't move?
What do you call him?
[Laughter]
Yes, well, I think I know the punch line,
but it's so stupid I almost don't want to say it out loud.
[Laughter]
You think you do, but c'mon, give it your best shot.
Java the Hutt.
[Ani laughing]
[audience laughter]
That's way better than what I had.
[Laughter]
Say, you're pretty good at coming up with Star Wars jokes. [Tarkin: Oh, thank you]
Just another thing we've got in common.
Hey, Tarky, knock-knock.
Who's there? Oh quiet! Here she comes.
Ani: Who? Tarkin: Her.
[soft music begins]
[Laughter]
Tarkin: Emily.
Ani: Well, which one is she?
Tarkin: Good god, man, she's the beautiful one.
[Laughter]
Ani: Oh, I see her. Tarky, you dog you, she's a cutie.
Tarkin: Yes, I know that. And she's also smart
and funny and forward-thinking and...
[Laughter]
won't give me the time of day.
Tell her you love her.
You can never say it too much.
I have hardly even spoken to this girl.
That would be premature to say the least.
Oh, I see you're playing the old hard to get. I gotcha.
Oh, they're coming over here.
Please pretend I've said something very humorous.
Ani: Got it.
Ani: Ha ha ha ha ha.
You're right the Death Star does look like a huge tit!
[Music stops abruptly]
[Laughter]
Hey, ladies.
Tarky was just telling me his idea
to put two Death Stars together
to make a giant pair of hooters.
[Laughter]
Pretty funny, huh?
Emily: No, it's actually gross and immature. Tarkin: Yes.
Oh, it's not gross or anything, it's just...
I mean have you seen this thing from the outside?
It's got a nipple.
Emily: That's not a nipple! It's a disruption ray generator;
it's where the planet-destroying laser shoots out.
Ha! Didn't even think about that.
It's like shooting milk
[Shocked snort]
[Horrified laughter]
You're a funny group of gals
Emily: Pig.
Stormtrooper 1: Pervert.
Stormtrooper 2: Asshole.
Hey, where you going? This guy likes ya.
He's the Casanova of Coruscant.
He's Tarkin all the muff.
[Laughter]
You son of a bitch, Tarky. I think she likes you.
Way to go, Vader!
Hey, no need to thank me.
I...I...
I was being sarcastic, you bloody wanker!
[Laughter]
You just made a fool of me in front of a very pretty girl.
What are you talking about?
I made it sound like the Death Star boobs thing was your idea.
[Exasperated sigh]
And you know why?
'Cause we're best friends.
We are not best friends.
You're a big dummy,
and I'm mad at you.
[Laughter]
Hey, Tarky. Where you going?
I'm going back to my meeting, you big dummy!
[Door slams]
Ani...
You used to be somebody.
And now what are you?
Just a...
big......fat dummy.
[Song: Long Ago and Far Away]
♫ Looking back ♫
♫ Over the years ♫
♫ Life was easy and everything was clear ♫
♫ It's been so long since I've felt that way ♫
♫ It's been so long since I've seen the light of day ♫
♫ But I remember all the glory ♫
♫ I remember all the fame ♫
♫ I remember how it felt like it was yesterday ♫
♫ Long ago and far away ♫
♫ I used to know how to play the game ♫
[Sound of can opening]
♫ I was someone I am not today ♫
♫ I wanna be remembered that way ♫
♫ But that was long ago and far away ♫
[music continues under]
Alright, let's just pop in the old home movies.
[Laughter]
Let's see what we got here.
Oh, would you look at that? It's the first day I met my wife.
[From the video] Are you an angel?
Are you an angel? That's a pretty good line.
Look at my hair back then.
Mom used to put a bowl on my head and just cut around it.
Yeah, I was a cutie.
[video] Qui-Gon, it's that blood sample you sent me...
the midichlorians are off the scale!
Ani: What the hell is this? Screw you Obi-Wan!
I just like to fast forward to the Jar Jar parts.
[From the video] Mui mui, I love you!
I love you too, J.J.
Wherever you are.
[Music comes up]
♫ Looking back ♫
♫ On all the time we shared. ♫
♫ We were young ♫
♫ We didn't have a care. ♫
[Sound of objects smashing] ♫ I wanted to grow up ♫
[Sound of objects smashing] ♫ Well I got my wish. ♫
♫ I never thought that I'd end up like this ♫
♫ But I remember all the glory ♫
♫ When I was in the race ♫
♫ How can I get back into first place? ♫
♫ Long ago and far away (and far away!) ♫
♫ I used to know how to play the game (play the game!)♫
[mechanical noises] ♫ I used to know how to play the game (play the game!)♫
♫ I was someone I'm not today ♫ [mechanical noises]
♫ I wanna be remembered that way ♫
♫ But that was long ago and far away ♫
Hey, guys, it's me again.
Y'know the trash compactor down on the detention level?
Yeah, I'm stuck.
[Applause, cheering]
Loudspeaker Announcement: Code red. Emergency.
Emergency. [Sirens sound]
Squad 7A report to deck B22. Code red. [Sirens sound]
Stormtrooper 2: Well, what do you think it is?
Emily: Ah, probably another drill.
*knock knock knock*
Ani: Hey guys, that was quick. How you doing?
Stormtrooper 2: Well, what is it, Lord Vader?
Has there been a security breach?
Ani: Oh, no, no nothing like that.
Emily: Well, what's the emergency, sir?
Well, it's not an emergency per se,
but now that you guys are here,
there's a couple of things I want to run by you.
You guys like Star Wars jokes, right?
Stormtrooper 2: Uh, sure.
You consider yourself proficient in the mythology of our universe?
Stormtrooper 2: Uh, yeah, I'm a pretty big fan. Yeah, I guess you could say-
Okay, great.
'Cause sometimes I'll be talking to these kids,
and I'll make a joke about Dash Rendar for example
And they'll look at me like I'm from outer space.
Stormtrooper 2: Ha ha ha. That's a good one, sir.
Ani: Alright, knock it off, that's not part of the set.
Stormtrooper 2: Okay. [Laughter]
Ani: My jokes are about Jabba's Palace.
Okay.
What's the one thing Jabba asks for
when he goes to a seafood restaurant?
Stormtrooper 2: Uh...
Ani: Bib for tuna. [Ba dum tss]
Bib for tuna. Oh, c'mon. Bib Fortuna?
He works in Jabba's Palace, he wears that dress,
he goes, ooo wanna wonga.
[Laughter]
He's got that big dick wrapped around his neck.
[Laughter]
Alright. Well his name is Bib Fortuna and if...
If Jabba were to eat some tuna,
he's a sloppy guy, he'd need a bib. You know.
It's a double meaning.
A humorous play on words and uh...
That's where the comedy comes in.
[Laughter]
Okay.
When Jabba's done eating,
what do you think is left on his plate?
Stormtrooper 2: Uh, I don't know, sir.
Ani: Not even a salacious crumb. [Ba dum tss]
Emily: What's that?
Ani: Salacious Crumb!
He's the little puppet that lives in Jabba's flab rolls,
he goes ehehehehe...
[Laughter]
[Laughter]
Well, his name is Salacious Crumb...
You know what, forget it.
Stormtrooper 2: How would you even know that?
[laughter]
Jesus Christ. I thought these jokes would slay,
but you guys don't know dick about Star Wars.
You know, I got one last joke about Jabba's Palace but uh...
I don't think I'm gonna tell it. It might be a bit too...
Rancorny. [Ba dum tss]
[Laughter]
Officer 1: And here is where you'll be staying.
Ani: What's going on here?
Oh.
You're still here.
Of course I'm still here. It's the Sith lounge, I live here.
Officer 1: I'm so sorry.
Mara: That's okay I'll just go--
Officer 1: No. I'll handle this.
Lord Vader.
We've been trying to call you all morning.
I don't quite know how to put this but...
The Emperor has decided to take the role of his apprentice
in a new direction.
[sad music starts playing]
What?
If you like, we could say you became ill.
Well, who the hell is this?
Oh. This is Mara Jade, top Imperial assassin. And...
the Emperor's new apprentice.
[sad music stops]
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
Mara Jade, huh?
Never heard of you.
Really? You must not know dick about Star Wars.
[Laughter]
Um. Dark Vader, is it?
Dark... Dark Vadder?
Just call me Ani.
Ani... Right.
Wow. Ani. You're leaving me with some pretty big shoes to fill.
Is that some kind of joke, huh?
You trying to patronize me?
'Cause I'm a failure that nobody likes?
'Cause I'm a big, fat loser that's never been good at anything?
Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, jeez.
Huh.
I think you're the one beating yourself up, buddy. I mean...
Come on. You had to have been good at something like uh...
Uh, aren't you pretty good with like, your little light-up sword?
[Laughter]
No. Not really. [Mara: Okay.]
To tell you the truth I lost about every lightsaber battle I ever had. [Mara: Alright.]
The only time I actually won anything was against a bunch of kids.
[Laughter]
But that was a really close call.
Those were some nimble younglings.
Could have gone either way.
But, uh, didn't you help hunt down and destroy the Jedi?
Nope.
Clone troopers did most of the work on that one.
Mara: Okay.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I butchered my fair share of defenseless Sand People.
Then I cried about it.
[Laughter]
I also choked my pregnant wife to death.
I cried about that too.
Eww.
Ani. I would've rather not known any of that.
You were way cooler as a mystery,
and now I think you're kind of, like, like a puss-wad.
[Laughter]
You know what I mean? Like... a big wad of puss.
Sorry.
You know Mara, you're spot on.
You're gonna make a great hand for the Emperor.
Thanks.
Um, so I don't know how this works exactly.
I don't know if you should probably just go....
Or if you think the Emperor will want me to, like,
kill you, you know to take your place?
What do you think?
He might have you cut my head off,
but he'd make you think that it was your idea.
See that's how he works, in mysterious ways. [Mara: Okay.]
You think you're making your own choices
but really you're just a pawn in his grand schemes.
And that's unfair.
Because I was supposed to be the greatest Jedi ever.
I would even learn to stop people from dying!
Mara: Eww. Ugh, Ani. Don't do that voice. That's gross.
Ani: Sorry.
It's just been so hard for me ever since I...
lost my one true love.
Mara: Oh, what was her name?
Ani: Who?
No, no I'm talking about my one true love...
Podracing.
[laughter]
Mara: So you're, like, really into podracing or something? Cool.
Ani: Oh honey. [Music begins]
You ever heard of a little race called the Boonta Eve Classic of '33?
Mara: No, I haven't...
'Cause I've been living under a rock on Endor.
Duh! Of course I've heard of it.
It's only the most important podrace in all of history.
Well, I'm not one to brag but, uh...
I won that race.
(whispered) Bullshit!
[Laughter]
You're...that...Ani Skywalker?!
I thought you were just some guy, but this guy!
Uh, this guy changed podracing forever!
I mean everyone said that only a CGI cartoon could win the Boonta Eve.
[Laughter]
But you, you proved everyone wrong!
I guess I did, didn't I?
Ani Skywalker! Ani Skywalker!
I must be dreaming. Oh my god!
I have your trading card.
[Laughter]
Would you sign this for me?
Wow, okay, sure.
Oh my gosh. This is wild. I'm losing it over here.
Ani: There you go.
Ani Skywalker.
Perfect.
Can I have a hug too?
Ani: Get over here, c'mon. Mara: Okay!
What happened to you, man?
When I was a kid, I would go to the Boonta Eve every year.
And I had some stupid fantasy that Ani Skywalker
would pull up to the starting line for just one more race.
Why'd you quit?
I didn't quit per se, I...
I guess I got swept up in the whole Clone Wars thing.
I'm sorry, the Clone Wars? They were boring and shitty.
[Laughter]
You, you were living the dream!
I mean, why would you give that all up for this bogus government job?
Well, you're one to talk. What are you doing here then?
This is just to pay the bills.
Ani. What I really wanna be...
is a slave girl!
[Laughter]
At Jabba's Palace.
Ani: You'd be great for that.
Oh, I don't know. I mean, Jabba's not gonna enslave just anyone.
He usually goes for like princess shit,
so I just figured Emperor's Hand is my foot in the door, you know.
Hey, Mara. Take it from an old spectator,
Life is not a spectator sport.
You'll take this cushy job and before you know it
you'll wake up one day and you'll realize...
You're 56 years old, you're more machine than man,
and you let your dreams jump to lightspeed without you.
I say forget this Sith shit!
Go to Tatooine. Do what you love.
You know what? You're right.
You're right!
I'm outta here!
I'm out of this big tit.
Atta girl!
Hey Ani?
Why not take your own advice?
What?
The next Boonta Eve is in five days.
I betcha that's enough time to fix up your old pod...
get the pit crew back together,
and win the hell out of that race, Ani!
No. It's, it's too late for me.
Besides...
Podracing is a young man's game, isn't it?
That's what they say.
They also said a little eight-year-old
made of midichlorians didn't belong on the track.
[Laughter]
So, what do you say, Ani?
You coming with me or what?
Well I dunno, I got a lot of chores to do and meetings to go to...
Plus I had to get someone coffee like two days ago...
And uh... SURE!
Yeah!!
[Applause, cheering]
Officer 1: Mara Jade! Lord Vader! Where are you going?
Wesa going home!
Officer 1: No!
[Cheering, applause]
[Music Stops]
Emily: Alright, you're clear for docking.
Engaging tractor beam.
[Romantic Music Plays]
[stutters]
[breathes into hand to smell breath]
[clears throat]
Emily: Oh! Uh, sir Tarkin: Oh! Oh excuse me!
Didn't see you there.
Emily, was it?
Emily: Yes, sir.
Do you remember...
Tarkin.
Moff Jeffrey Tarkin.
Emily: Uhh...
Yes, Sir... You're kind of in charge of the entire battle station, Sir.
Everybody has to know who you are.
Indeed.
Emily: Can I... do something for you, Sir?
Tarkin: Oh! Me? No.
Actually...
I wanted to apologize
to you
for the other day.
That whole...
Death Star...
boob... thing...
Which was actually not my idea.
It was Lord Vader's idea.
He's immature, not me.
Emily: I'm sure, Sir.
Tarkin: Yes...
I don't even pay attention to that kind of thing.
I don't even like boobs.
I MEAN-
[Laughter]
I like your boobs.
I MEAN!-
Oh dear!
Emily: Can I be excused, Sir?
I've got to go stand in this line because the Emperor is coming.
Tarkin: The Emperor? Is coming here? [romantic music stops]
Emily: I just gave him docking clearance.
Oh my! I need to go!
Thanks for the chat. You're lovely.
I mean, it was lovely.
I mean,
OH DEAR!
[laughter]
Motti: And over here, we have our state-of-the-art motherboard,
which of course can control anything
from lowering the docking bay doors
to shutting down the trash compactor on the detention level.
Um, Emperor, is everything all right?
We're gonna paint these walls, right?
[laughter]
Uh, would you like us to paint them?
It's just that everything is so gray.
Where's all the color?
Yes, uh, of course sir, we'll assemble a team
and get painting straight away.
What are these floors made out of?
Um, linoleum?
See, I had specifically asked for hardwood floors.
It's like, if you're gonna go through all the trouble
to make a battle station the size of a moon,
are you really gonna start cutting corners like this?
Yes, well, forgive us,
I suppose we were more focused on making everything operational.
It's operational, but is it comfortable?
Motti: Well... [nervous laughter]
This place is just nothing like what I had imagined.
All I can say is, thank God for Site B.
We're making another one.
Get that one right.
Motti: Yes, sir.. yes, sir.
Well, if you'll follow me to the observation deck
perhaps I can change your mind, eh?
Are these fluorescent lights?
Yes.
Pappy: Okay, okay. That's why everybody looks sick.
Tarkin: Excuse me!
Who allowed this handsome young man aboard
my battle station---
Why, it's the Emperor!
[laughter]
Pappy: Jeffrey! Tarkin: Hahaha
Pappy: Jeffrey Tarkin! Tarkin: Emperor Palpatine!
Pappy: Oh please, please, you call me Pappy!
[Laughter]
All my friends do!
Wow Pappy, you sure gave me a fright!
I had no idea you were coming for a visit!
Surprise!
And hey, I've got more good news.
I cleared out my whole schedule
and I'm gonna stay until Life Day. Tarkin: Huzzah!
I hope you don't mind
taking care of an old man for a whole week.
Not at all, Pappy, not at all.
Stormtrooper 2: Excuse me, Moff Tarkin?
Not now. Can't you see I'm speaking with the Emperor?
Stormtrooper 2: Yes, but Sir, the....., uh, okay...
Jeffrey, I wanted to thank you
for everything you've been doing recently.
You know, you've been a huge help in more ways than you know.
In fact, you're the kind of man I could see
becoming Grand Moff in the near future!
Grand Moff? Me?
Grand Moff Tarkin!
Well, if everything goes okay until Life Day,
then the promotion is as good as yours!
Well, thank you, Sir!
Thank you very much for your confidence!
But it's really my team who have done all the good work around here!
Pappy: No. No, Jeffrey.
[laughter]
This battle station has a ways to go.
What I'm talking about
is how you've been such a good friend to my Ani!
Ani always tells me you and he are best friends!
He tells me everything!
Everything?
Well, I haven't spoken to him since yesterday morning.
[stage whispers] I'm kind of avoiding him a little bit.
Oh thank heavens!
I mean, uhm--Why, sir?
I may or may not have taken on a new apprentice.
It's nothing serious. I'm not trying to replace Ani.
If things work out with Mara,
eventually I'll have her cut his head off.
But for now he's got nothing to worry about!
She's just here to help with some of his responsibilities.
Speaking of which...