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  • when you get to know somebody better

  • what are some of the first things you learn about them?

  • that they disappoint you in all kinds of ways

  • so this is true in visual illusion

  • if you take pictures of people

  • and you blur them out and you make them fuzzy

  • everybody looks more attractive

  • as you get into the little details of life

  • you start seeing wrinkles

  • right? when you look at people in general terms

  • you only see the good things in them

  • this by the way is not just about romantic attraction

  • you know in companies hire CEOs and they hire CEOs

  • from outside the company they often have

  • high expectations from them but when you

  • look at the results the results show that

  • they pay way more to external CEOs

  • than internal ones and they perform worse

  • but when you look at an external one

  • it's very easy to say oh my goodness

  • this person is just great because you don't

  • know the little details, right?

  • so if you look at somebody you don't know very well

  • all the little annoying habits that they have

  • are just going to be outside of scope for you

  • and you will just imagine that they all work well

  • only when they move in you get to to see those details

  • so imagine a world in which

  • when you look at other people

  • they look more glorious

  • than when you get to know them

  • in all the details

  • and now you in bed next to somebody

  • and you wake up in the morning

  • and you say

  • is this what I want for the rest of my life

  • when I have other options here?

  • and this is the tinder, your phone is here

  • and you basically in all of those things

  • all of those options look so wonderful

  • by the way also in online dating or Facebook whatever it is

  • people only present their positive sides, right

  • so you don't

  • so you have this bias idea that

  • the outside option the set of the outside option

  • look so promising

  • and now when you wake up next to somebody

  • or you have a little fight with somebody

  • and you think to yourself

  • in one click

  • I could have a date with somebody else

  • now imagine that you have an apartment

  • and you have a deal with the landlord

  • that the lease is day to day

  • and every morning you wake up and you say

  • do I want to extend this lease or not?

  • and every day your landlord decide

  • if they want to extend that least or not

  • how much would you invest in the apartment?

  • would you paint the walls? would you get flowers?

  • would you fix the walls?

  • would you do all kinds of things? of course not

  • because you're always with one foot outside

  • so the analogy is that you wake up next to your romantic partner every morning

  • and you say should we do it for another day or should we stop now?

  • the moment you think in the short term horizon

  • the odds that you will invest in a relationship

  • is much much lower

  • so the thing that worries me is that

  • when we are in a relationship but continuously with one foot out

  • and continuously thinking about how the outside world is more tempting

  • and more interesting and so on

  • it's actually not a good recipe for investing in a relationship

  • it's not a zero-sum game

  • it gets better when you invest in it

  • and if you don't think you're there for a long time

  • the likely of investment is just not that high

when you get to know somebody better

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ダン・アリリーデート&リレーションシップについて (Dan Ariely: On Dating & Relationships)

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    VoiceTube に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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