the Bartman Play damn near broke 'em.

COMMENTATOR: Reaching into the stands, he couldn't get it.

He's livid with a fan.

BILL: By the way, not his fault.

Seven people were going for the ball.

(SIGHS) I've been there.

By 2003, I was so scarred by baseball,

I wasn't sure if I should raise my kids as Red Sox fans.

COMMENTATOR: Boone hits it to deep left.

That might send the Yankees to the World Series!

BILL: It just seemed like bad parenting.

Not this bad, but bad.

That was until Big Papi and the boys

taught me to believe again.

COMMENTATOR: Ortiz into deep right field!

BILL: Now Cubs fans need to do the same.

This year, a loaded Cubs team won 103 games

and sucked them back in.

But I don't want Cubs fans to get psyched out

like Jonathan Mardukas.

These things go down! These things go down.

They go-- It's too big!

BILL: They don't always go down.

Here are my 8 October Tips for Cubs Fans.

First off, sometimes you can't do the impossible

until you hit rock bottom.

Like the 2016 Cavs looking

like roadkill until they rose from the ashes.

Or the Indians winning the Pennant

even after Wild Thing banged Roger Dorn's wife.

Remember, rock bottom is not always bad.

Next, billy goats don't ruin teams.

Bad owners and bad management do.

Like the Knicks, they're cursed by a ghost

who looks exactly like James Dolan.

See what I mean?

To that point, you have Theo Epstein now!

He's already done this!

If you're losing your championship virginity

on a cool, October night,

here's the guy you want.

Trust in Theo! He's very gentle.

Fourth: Stop telling us that just making the World Series

would be huge. Enough, we know it's bullshit.

Let my friends Charlie and Don tell you what it's time for:

BOTH: Winning.

BILL: Yeah! Now let's go snort something.

While you're high, it's the perfect time

to decide what Cubs name

to give your next child. True story:

In 2004, I wanted to name our kid Kirk Pedro Simmons.

Thank God she was a girl. No, seriously, thank God.

But it kept my mind off being nervous and stuff.

And speaking of nervous, we didn't have social media in 2004

to fight off announcers who kept bringing up 86 years

and the Bambino.

Well, you have Twitter.

If Joe Buck keeps bringing up billy goats and Bartman

every 5 minutes, look! Here he is, go get him!

Also, I don't believe in curses, but I do believe in karma.

I believe the wrong decision can fuck up a hot blackjack table.

Double down.

CROUPIER: Twenty-one.

BILL: I believe cheaters get what's coming.

And I believe in lucky hats,

lucky meals, lucky sitting positions, playoff beards.

I mean, I wore the same t-shirt during the '04 playoffs

because a pigeon shit on it.

Italians believe that's good luck.

And it worked! Prove me wrong!

And finally, Cubs fans, please,

do not act like you've been there before.

You haven't been there before! Enjoy yourselves!

Get drunk after wins!

Eat too much deep dish. Mock White Sox fans.

Get an ill-advised Cubs tattoo.

Because if they win it all, there is nothing better.

It's like having your own city-wide Mardi Gras.

You'll rest knowing that you won't have to live

your whole life and then die without winning a World Series.

It is the best. I'm telling you.

And after the parade, you can even blow

your kid's college fund on World Championship gear.

I'm sure little Zobrist Bryant will understand.

(BOY CRYING)