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  • As we've seen,

  • athletes' national anthem protests

  • have stoked passionate arguments on both sides.

  • And there's really only one place to resolve this issue--

  • in Outrage Court.

  • ANNOUNCER: When a small controversy

  • sparks an Internet firestorm, it's up to Judge Roy

  • to sort the justified from the just straight trippin'.

  • It all happens now on...

  • Today on Outrage Court,

  • patriotism versus protest.

  • Jordan Klepper thinks athlete protests

  • during the national anthem are vile and un-American.

  • Desi Lydic thinks protests are patriotic

  • and that Jordan is being a little bitch.

  • -Hey. -It's true.

  • BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Judge Roy Wood Jr.

  • Yeah. You better stand in my courtroom.

  • Ain't none of the Kaepernick (bleep) going on in here.

  • Be seated. Jordan, what's your opening statement?

  • Thank you, Your Honor.

  • Ladies and gentlemen of the court,

  • take a look at this... flag.

  • Now, this sacred flag represents

  • the countless brave Americans

  • who put themselves in harm's way

  • to protect everything we hold dear--

  • liberty, opportunity,

  • the free sub that comes with the purchase

  • of nine other free subs.

  • The only thing America asks of you in return

  • is that you rise up off your fat, pampered American ass

  • when they raise that flag for the national anthem.

  • As long as you're standing and your hand is over your heart...

  • (chuckles) you can think about whatever you want.

  • Like for me, I like to come up with ways to fake my own death.

  • You see, my marriage is kind of crumbling,

  • -and no matter what I do... -All right, all right,

  • all right, all right, we've heard enough of that.

  • Too much? All right.

  • Desi, your opening statements, please.

  • Your Honor, my colleague would like you to believe

  • that the flag stands for all the values

  • that make America great.

  • But in reality, the flag represents the 50 states

  • and 13 colonies, and any symbolism beyond that

  • is sort of up to you.

  • For some, it's the bravery of our troops.

  • For others, it's a criminal justice system

  • that discriminates against black people.

  • For me, well, when I watch that flag waving in the wind,

  • I'm reminded of a flag bikini I was forced to wear

  • -in a Nelly video in '02. -That was a good video.

  • Hey. I'm all for protest--

  • but there's a right way and a wrong way to do it.

  • Okay, Your Honor, I'd like to hear my colleague's "right way"

  • of protesting, like, uh, marching?

  • No way. Clogs up traffic. Pain in the ass.

  • -Okay, how about a boycott? -Oh, sure,

  • punish the small businessman who's just trying

  • -to feed his family. -How about a hashtag?

  • Uh, clogs up your Twitter feed.

  • Also, do you think hashtags grow on trees?

  • 'Cause they don't. Fruit does.

  • And twigs.

  • Or... limbs, leaves,

  • -acorns... -We know what grows on trees.

  • Do we, Your Honor? All I'm saying is

  • why do athletes have to bring politics into sport?

  • Uh, I think because we started doing the national anthem

  • -at every sporting event. -Oh, that's when it happened?

  • -Yeah, I think that's when it happened. -Oh, oh,

  • -that's awfully convenient. -WOOD: Order! Order!

  • Siri, order me some popcorn shrimp

  • and a baked potato.

  • SIRI: I think you said, "Find ingredients with tomatoes."

  • -(sighs) -Okay, you know what's un-American?

  • Is condemning someone for protesting the national anthem.

  • -Are you calling me un-American? -Yeah.

  • Because I'm more American than you.

  • I once had a threesome with a hot dog and a bald eagle

  • in the back of a Ford pickup truck.

  • Jordan, you have no idea what it's like to be a minority.

  • No offense, but you're a white dude--

  • you got privilege coming out your ass.

  • You can do whatever you want, when you want,

  • without any consequences.

  • Even right now in this courtroom,

  • you're getting a pedicure from an old Asian lady.

  • Technically, it still is sandal season.

  • All right, I'm ready to rule.

  • Jordan is right. To millions of people,

  • the flag and the anthem are sacred,

  • and for anyone to protest it is beyond disrespectful.

  • But Kaepernick and these other athletes

  • feel like they're beyond disrespected

  • by a biased legal system.

  • So here's my decision.

  • We're just not gonna play the national anthem

  • at sporting events anymore.

  • It's done. We'll save it for special occasions,

  • like quinceañeras,

  • or when your homeboy gets released from prison.

  • And at the beginning of every football game,

  • we'll play "Hey Ya!"

  • -♪ ♪ -It's fun, it's catchy,

  • and it unites us under one message--

  • to shake it like a Polaroid picture.

  • Boy, that Andre 3000's something else.

  • Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some walnuts to crack.

As we've seen,

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The Daily Show - アウトレイジ・コート。愛国心対抗議 (The Daily Show - Outrage Court: Patriotism vs. Protest)

  • 148 7
    Elisa Guan に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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