Why are you wearing black?

To show the darkness that's inside my heart.

...What's wrong?

(clears throat) Well I don't know

if it's polite to discuss it

in front of the culprit.

I did something?

No, Sugar.

She's an angel!

(A: No.) G: She's practically wearing a dog halo.

No. (shakes head) I thought that she was my best friend.

I thought that I adopted her

and saved her life and then she'd be

forever indebted to me.

But no! She betrayed me in the worst possible way!

She left my bed

for the bed of another woman.

Ohhh, been there.

Yeah! And then you don't have to still take care

of that person or else they would die.

We were - went to sleep at night

like we always go to sleep at night.

And she was on my bed.

There's no one else in your bed?

Just you and Sugar?

Well, don't rub it in.

But she's alert, she's not ready for sleep

And then she jumps off my bed

and she goes to the door

and she scratches, and I think

like an idiot fool that

she's just thirsty and wants some water.

But no, she wants the arms of another woman!

She ran down the hallway to the other room

and tried to get into bed with my friend

who was staying with me.

That's right, I don't even hold up this

goddamn facade that we live together

because we DON'T.

She went to leave with my house

She went - I'm so - !!!

Well, do you think maybe your friend needed her?

Maybe dogs can sense pain.

I was in pain!!!

She was causing me PAIN!

- Okay, but your thing is like a constant glow?

And like, maybe she was like,

okay that seems normal for this person.

But like THIS person is specifically

having a problem right now?

(quietly) I don't care.

You raised her RIGHT, is what's happened.

(baby voice) You hurt my feelings!

Will you say sorry?

Will you give me a kiss and say sorry?

A: She did it! G: This is so unhealthy.

Can you get a therapy dog to help you with

issues WITH your therapy dog?

intro music

(baby voice) Dis week we have an

international question! International question

G: What genre is it? A: International questiooooon!

Paul! Ontario.

What was your genre?

Itsy bitsy spider.

Spiders are GROSS.

No, spiders are cute.

You ever seen a tarantula? They're FUZZY.

Anyway, Paul wants to know,

do mothers know best?

Depends on the mother.

Well, there is a bit of backstory.

I - I would hope so.

Paul, lovely guy, living in Canada.

A: Openly gay. G: Great. Congrats.

The mom! Totally fine with him being gay.

Great!

But! Is pressuring him to marry a nice Jewish boy.

Ohhhhh. It never ends.

A: Yeah. G: It never ends.

Little dose of what it's like to be us.

My, uh, grandmother, whenever I've had

boyfriends and girlfriends,

she's never cared about the girlfriend

being a girl, as long as

the girlfriend was Jewish.

See, I don't think my parents care

if they're Jewish, they just would care if

they were Republicans.

Sometimes, mothers don't know best

because sometimes, they're still stuck in the past

G: and they're thinking about things - A: My mom's PRETTY hip.

G: Yeah but in an old fashioned way some moms - A: No, my mom's like REAL hip.

G: No, your mom's the best. A: Like,

she let me post a photo where I said she was wasted.

The great things I've learned from my mom

that are not necessarily true:

never let him pay for anything because

he'll think you owe him something.

G: See, that's a relic from another age. A: Yes.

G: That's what I'm talking about. A: Are you kidding me?

Why would I go out if he's not gonna pay for it?

Alright. Okay. Well you're both wrong, here.

My mom does a lot of, like...

don't ever sit in your car with the door unlocked

because a guy could get in

G: and then hijack your car. A: Oh, safety tips!

A: Yes. Lots of safety tips from the mom. G: Safety tips.

When I was a kid,

my mom put me in the trunk of a car

and taught me how to kick out a taillight

so I could stick my hand through

if I'm ever kidnapped and

people on the road will see that

there was a kid in the trunk.

That's an example of a mother knowing best.

It's an overstatement to say that

ALL moms know best.

Because one, some people's moms are

really homophobic, or racist,

G: or like - A: It's like, anyone can become a mom!

Not ANYONE, but like -

you don't have to pass a TEST to become a mom.

G: Although - A: Although, I think that you should.

A: So many people are dumb. G: Yeah.

And a lot of those people are moms.

So, I would say,

pay attention to what your mom -

You always do that!

'I would say,' like you're

wrapping up an ACTUAL lecture.

(laughs) Yeah. I -

(pompously) In CONCLUSION, I would say

A: some moms are smart G: If you haven't - (gives up)

some moms are not.

If you haven't realized by now,

I take this advice portion of the show

very seriously and as a personal burden.

For which I am responsible for the lives

of many queer teens.

I have to say, I really like

having my arm behind you.

I feel...empowered.

Like the mom.

Ooh, Sugar heard 'mom' and she looked up.

Yeah, do you always know best,

what to do for Sugar?

A: (abruptly) No. G: See! Moms don't always know best.

However, I think moms have your best INTERESTS at heart.

A: Unless they're sociopaths. G: (repeating) Unless they're sociopaths.

That's gotta be a big fear, right,

that you give birth and then you don't love it.

Allison!

There's like, a lot of factors,

G: I think it's - A: That happens! It's terrible.

G: No, that's - (gives up) A: Postpartum depression is real and awful.

G: Allison. I think that there's - A: You wanna shake your own baby?

G: Okay. A: Oh my god.

What if Paul's a gay Republican?

G: Like a - A: Stop watching this show.

A: Is that bad? G: No.

A: I could be anti-Republican. G: Yeah. I think so.

In this political climate.

outro music

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