-Whoa.

-Whoa.

David, Jesus.

-No, no, no.

Fuguys.

That's 23 points, plus 50 points for the bingo.

Fuguys.

-But, David, Fuguys is only six letters.

-Ye-- yeah, and it's not even a word, David.

-Eff you guys, and that time I mean it outside of the context

of the game.

ZANDY (OFFSCREEN): Jesus.

-David, you seem really tense.

-I know.

I really just can't seem to chill out.

-David, you know, when I'm stressed out, I like to do

yoga, or meditation, or maybe some nice candles.

And, um, maybe a mellow CD or something like that.

-Oh, man.

I just wish I could do something that

would give me a release.

-Your wish is my command.

-Who are you, Zoltar from the movie "Big?" What does that

make me, Josh Baskin AKA Tom Hanks?

I mean, what's the deal?

You know, a little-known fact, that movie was directed by

Laverne of "Laverne & Shirley." Who knew?

A woman directing a movie.

What did she say, like-- (IN FALSETTO) Um, action.

I gotta get a tampon.

Like, how could that possibly work?

-Do yourself a favor and go see Kiki.

And ask for the--

-Happy ending, please.

Wait, wait.

Hold on a second.

Shouldn't I at least take you out on a date or something?

Maybe get you drunk?

-Fine, I'll have a lemon drop martini.

-Great.

There you go.

-Thanks.

OK.

-Hold on.

Stop.

-Listen, David, I see what you're trying to do,

but this is my job.

Rubbing strangers with oil and then jerking them

off, it's what I do.

Did I always want to do this?

No.

I think it'd be pretty strange if at five years old, I said,

I want to grow up to be a massage

therapist/handjob giver.

But a BS from Cal State Fullerton and a failed dot-com

later, and here I am.

-I'm getting hard.

-Ooh.

So this is the new and improved David Wain.

-Hey, hey, hey.

You got that right.

Who knew that a good handjob from the right woman would

turn me into a new man.

Namaste.

-(TOGETHER) Namaste.

-No, no, no.

Knobumstay.

23 points, I got there.

So now I am in second place.

Very good.

-So, was I right about Kiki or what?

-Miles, I have to say when you're right, you're right.

When you're wrong, you're dead wrong.

When you're right, you're really right.

-Well, David, it's just so nice to see

you looking so relaxed.

-I just wish I could feel this way forever.

Hey, hey, hey now.

Hey, hey, hey now.

I have an idear.

Happy ending, please.

-Coming right up.

-You mean, like cumming right up?

Is that it?

What?

Coming right up.

-That's fantastic.

David, it's beautiful.

-I know.

But what do you think about the ring?

-I don't know what to say.

-Just say yes.

You make me feel so good.

I want you to jerk me off for the rest of our lives, till

we're old and gray.

I want you to jerk that off until it's brittle and bony

and disgusting.

I want you to jerk me off until there's

no more dick left.

It's just a spindly little stick of a dick, with no skin,

no muscles, just the little middle part.

-That's so sweet, but I'm afraid it'll never work out

between us.

-Why not?

Is it because I'm Jewish?

Or is it because you're a type of whore?

-You can say I'm already married.

Married to my job.

I make people happy five days a week, six if I'm saving up

for a trip or something, like if I want to go to Vegas with

the girls and let loose, you know, go clubbing.

Who else can say that about their job?

-Yeah.

Do you ever stop talking?

I feel like I'm watching "The View."

-You could also say I'm married to Walter.

-Who the hell's Walter?

Now I'm not so hard anymore.

-You know I can help you with that.

-You can?

-What do you say?

Let's give this story a happy ending.

-Well, yeah, all right.

Oh, that's good.

That's good!

(BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, god, that's good.

I'm two minutes away.

[MUSIC PLAYING]