hear all too often about the Kinect is that, with nothing to touch or directly interact

with, control is a right pain in the bum. Which is totally true. It’s the same issue

that plagued the Sony Eyetoy before it, and the Sega Activator before that, and.. this

thing. The Broderbund U-Force. Yes, Broderbund, obviously wasting time and resources that

could’ve given us Where on the Periodic Table is Carmen Sandiego, produced this...

thing... that revolutionized gaming by taking the controller out of the player’s hands

and leaving them to flail inside a “power field” of despair. Honestly, you could get

more responsive reaction by putting the controller cord in your mouth and trying to chew your

way through a game. It’s like trying to play Through the Fire and Flames on a freakin’

theremin. But, for the sake of scientific evaluation, I tested the U-Force on five different

games. Behold.

Super Mario Bros. actually went somewhat smoothly, as the manual for the U-Force indicated an

optimal control scheme specifically for this title. A number of such games were detailed

in the back of said manual, but the list was hardly comprehensive unless you were desperate

to play Deadly Towers or Sqoon. With the U-Force laid flat, the right hand controlled jumping

while the left handled lateral movement. I actually succeeded in finishing level 1-1

by some miracle, thus proving the justice of our culture or something. 1-2 kicked my

ass, though.

This more laid-back puzzler gave me a chance to deal with the control foibles and get my

bearings. It started out great... until I had to simultaneously crouch and destroy a

block. Apparently you’re not allowed to do both of those things at the same time.

It’s against the RULES.

Similar to my Solomon’s Key issue, there was a significant problem with the concept

of “down.” As this thing seems optimized for racing games and whatnot, where the only

controls you need are left and right, such 4-directional movement is completely outside

its capability. Further, the game kept pausing itself as if trying to engage some kind of

slow-mo mode.

I was completely unable to turn to the left. And in Paperboy, that’s kinda important.

There was some awesome rapid-fire of newspapers, though, and I think I delivered one accurately.

I’ll take what I can get with this thing.

Simply having the device plugged in caused the game to continuously loop resets until

I flipped more toggle switches in a random fashion. Since the manual doesn’t actually

tell you which buttons or switches scan to what, this game was unplayable. Kirby’s

one of the more technical platformers out there, and this... ugh. Thanks, Bryan S. of

Pennsylvania. I cared for your R.O.Bs and gave them tacos, and THIS is the thanks I

get. I’ve got a gesture for you, right here.