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  • If you want to achieve your goals don't focus on them.

  • That goes against everything we have ever said about goals, right?

  • Everything everyone ever talked about goals,

  • is you pick out what it is you want to do, you set your goals, you write them down,

  • you stay focused on them, you check your list over and over again,

  • you come back to it, and that's how you achieve your goals.

  • What I have learned over the course of my life,

  • and watching other people, and studying other things,

  • is that that's not the way to achieve goals.

  • We all talk about setting goals,

  • but we don't talk that much about how do you actually achieve goals.

  • So, I started learning this lesson with my first girlfriend in life.

  • Her name was Lasandra Johnson.

  • You guys, who has never seen Lasandra, you have to take my word for it;

  • she was the most beautiful 6th grader God has ever created. (Laughter)

  • And for the record, I was in the 6th grade too.

  • (Laughter)

  • I used to look at this girl and think every day,

  • "I would love for LaSandra to be my girlfriend."

  • But I was young, and I was afraid, so I didn't go to say anything to her.

  • But one day I was standing on the playground during recess,

  • I don't know where the courage came from,

  • but I decided today is the day, I wasn't going to wait another day.

  • I turned to my buddy, John Statura, and I said,

  • "John, go ask Lasandra to go with me."

  • (Laughter)

  • So he goes walking over to her, and he poses the question,

  • her little group of friends giggles, she says something back.

  • He comes walking back to me, he says,

  • "Reggie, Lasandra said, if you want her to be your girlfriend,

  • you got to ask her yourself."

  • (Laughter)

  • But I am in 6th grade, I sent my best man. What does she want? (Laughter)

  • But there was no way I was going to ask her myself,

  • so I continued to think about her for the rest of that school year.

  • Summer break came, and I thought about Lasandra Johnson

  • every day of the summer break.

  • The next year was 7th grade, and at my school,

  • you had a different class every hour, and lockers between classes.

  • For the first hour I had Woodshop. Lasandra had Home Economics.

  • At my school, you're allowed to change one class

  • as long as the class you are moving out of

  • met at the same time as the class you're moving in to.

  • So, I walked into the principal's office and said,

  • "I'd like to change from Woodshop to Home Economics."

  • (Laughter)

  • I walk into a Home Ec room, there are 22-23 girls in this classroom,

  • one boy named Jurgen Kuhn and now, me.

  • I asked the girl named Tara Virgamini to move over

  • so I could sit next to Lasandra Johnson,

  • and that day I asked her to go with me, myself.

  • (Laughter)

  • Thank you.

  • (Applause)

  • Thank you.

  • She said, "No."

  • (Laughter)

  • That was my first lesson on the prerogative of women

  • that would be many more,

  • but, making a long story short,

  • Lasandra did end up becoming my girlfriend

  • for two weeks and three days later in that school year

  • (Laughter)

  • but I tell this story because that's the first time in my life

  • that I can say that I purposely focused on the part that was in my control

  • and ignored the part that was outside of my control;

  • that was the first time in my life

  • that I purposely focused on my behaviors rather than my goal.

  • We set goals for ourselves,

  • but our goals are things that are outside of our control.

  • Whatever it is you want to achieve in your life.

  • If you are a student and you want to get an A in a class,

  • that's outside of your control,

  • you don't get to write A's on all of your papers,

  • you have a teacher who is going to grade these papers,

  • give you assignments,

  • somebody else is setting the curriculum, somebody else is grading you,

  • you don't control what your grade is.

  • If you want to be the world's best salesman,

  • you don't get to make all the sales yourself,

  • you don't get to do both sides of the transaction,

  • you have to recruit customers into your life.

  • Goals require you to have the participation of other people,

  • therefore, they are outside of your control.

  • So, if you spend too much time focusing on your goals,

  • you'll never achieve them.

  • Behaviors, by contrast, are things that you alone can do,

  • it doesn't take a parent, a teacher, a coach, a friend,

  • a neighbor, a spouse, a child; it doesn't require anyone else,

  • you alone can do behaviors,

  • and behaviors are the things that you focus on

  • in order to achieve your goals.

  • And looking at the situation with Lasandra Johnson and I:

  • when I was focused on my goal,

  • which was to have this girl to be my girlfriend,

  • I couldn't speak to her if I was walking past her in the hallway.

  • In my head all the time it was,

  • "Lasandra is cute, I want her to be my girlfriend.

  • Lasandra is cute, I want her to be my girlfriend."

  • We're walking past her in the hallway, I'd turn the other way. (Laughter)

  • I wouldn't even say "Hello" to her,

  • because I was terrified, all I could think about was my goal.

  • When she told my friend John,

  • "If Reggie wants me to be his girlfriend, he got to ask me himself," I heard, "Yes".

  • (Laughter)

  • So, I stopped thinking about the goal,

  • the goal had already been achieved,

  • I came back to focusing on my behaviors.

  • Once I started focusing on my behaviors,

  • I figured out what class she had at first hour,

  • I learned the rules at our school about changing classes,

  • I went to the principal's office talking to adults,

  • "Hey, listen, I got to change classes, I got a girl to catch."

  • (Laughter)

  • I walked into the Home Ec room, full of girls.

  • I was afraid to talk to one girl, now there is a room full of girls,

  • and I was like, "Ladies, I am here."

  • (Laughter)

  • I asked Tara to move over so I could sit next to Lasandra,

  • and she did!

  • I had a little swagger to me because I heard, "Yes."

  • And when I heard yes, I stopped focusing on the goal

  • and I started focusing on my behavior,

  • and I got myself into a position to achieve my goal.

  • She said no at that time, but later she said yes.

  • Years later, when I looked back and thought about that, I thought,

  • "That's really the model for what happens in life, it's a metaphor."

  • If you think about what we all go through, say, weight loss.

  • We all were on a diet at one point or another

  • - I am on one now, involuntarily, my wife has put me on one -

  • but we all were on a diet at one point or another.

  • And how does a diet start? It starts with a goal.

  • You say, "I want to lose 10 pounds by the end of the year."

  • OK, that's great, you have a goal.

  • If you stay focused on that goal, you will never lose 10 pounds.

  • Because what the next thing we do?

  • We go from our goal to the scale.

  • We say, "OK, I am going to step on the scale.

  • Scale, please tell me if I've lost any of these 10 pounds.

  • Oh, I haven't lost any. I've gained a pound. OK." (Laughter)

  • And we keep coming back to the scale,

  • and you go through a week where you eat well, you're exercising,

  • you're drinking a lot of water, you're doing all the right things,

  • and you get on the scale, and you've gained weight; you quit the diet.

  • If you focus on your goal, you won't achieve it.

  • Instead, you have to focus on your behaviors,

  • your behaviors are what is in your control:

  • you control the food that you put in your mouth,

  • you control the liquids that you put in your mouth,

  • you control how much exercise you do,

  • you control how you feel about the weight that you are,

  • you control how you feel about the amount of food that you're eating,

  • you can either feel deprived and miserable,

  • "Oh my God! It's the worst day in the world.

  • I'm eating less than I used to eat. I'm starving all the time.

  • I feel miserable. I can't believe I've almost died. It's awful!"

  • Or you can say, "I'm proud of myself.

  • I’m eating less than I used to eat, I have this instead of that, I feel good.

  • I know that if I keep this up, when I get on the scale,

  • the scale is going to tell me something good.

  • If it doesn't tell me something good right now,

  • I know if I keep this up, I'm going to get where I'm going."

  • Right now, we treat the scales as if it is an oracle sent down from God

  • to tell us about ourselves. (Laughter)

  • When you are on a diet, it is like, "Oh, mighty Oracle,

  • please tell me what I should think about myself today!"

  • - "You're fat!" - "Ooh!"

  • (Laughter)

  • The Oracle has spoken.

  • If you focus too much on your goal, if you focus on what it is you weigh,

  • then you're never going to achieve your goal.

  • You have to focus on your behaviors.

  • Think about our kids.

  • We have goals for our kids: we want our kids to be responsible,

  • we want them to be mature, we want them to work hard in school,

  • to work hard at their extra curricula, to hang out with the right people,

  • we want them to be engaged.

  • We want all these wonderful things for our kids,

  • and because we want these things for them,

  • because we're focused on those goals for them,

  • we spent most of our time as parents being agitated,

  • "Why are you doing that? Told you not to do that.

  • Get over here. Do your homework. What? You're only on one page in?

  • I told you to get your homework done!"

  • And we spend all our time fussing, and fussing, and fussing

  • because these kids won't do what we have in mind for them

  • in terms of our goals; we're focused on our goal.

  • If you're focused on your goal, you'll never achieve it.

  • You have to focus on your behaviors.

  • Behaviors are things that are in your control solely.

  • So, you can't control what your kids do.

  • You can control your reaction to your kids,

  • you control rewards, you control consequences,

  • you control your consistency,

  • you control whether you deliver on the things you said you're going to do,

  • you control what you respond to your kids at a level 10 or a level 3,

  • you control what you control.

  • And when you focus on the part that is in your control,

  • which is your behaviors, you tend to achieve your goals.

  • So, how does this work?

  • The way that I do it in my life:

  • when I set a goal for myself,

  • I make a goal, and I say, "I want to lose 10 pounds."

  • So, then, I immediately look and say, "Behaviors are very short-term.

  • I only believe that I can control my behaviors for 7 days, that's it."

  • So, when I sat a goal, I say,

  • "What can I do today that is going to help me to get closer to that goal?

  • What can I do tomorrow that is going to help me to get closer to that goal?

  • And what can I do this week that is going to get me closer to that goal?"

  • Today, tomorrow, and this week.

  • I write things down in those three categories

  • and plan out how I'm going to go after the goals that I have in my life.

  • And that keeps me focused on my behaviors,

  • and I know that if I focus on my behaviors day after day,

  • I keep myself motivated day after day,

  • I feel good about what I've done because I say, "I did this, I did that,"

  • I'm not worried about the goal, I'm not worried about how much I weigh,

  • I'm not worried how many sales I've made, I'm not worried about anything

  • - that is outside of my control -

  • I'm focused 100% on the part that is in my control.

  • If you want to achieve your goals, don't focus on them.

  • If you want to achieve your goals, you have to focus on the behaviors

  • that are the building blocks that get you to your goals.

  • Thank you very much. (Applause)

If you want to achieve your goals don't focus on them.

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A2 初級

TEDx】目標を達成したいなら、目標に集中するな。TEDxCrestmoorParkEDでのレジー・リバーズ (【TEDx】If you want to achieve your goals, don't focus on them: Reggie Rivers at TEDxCrestmoorParkED)

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    SylviaQQ に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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