you that are looking for something uplifting and chipper,

これはウキウキしたり元気になったり

this is not that video today.

今日はそういう動画じゃないの

May I recommend our cat cafe video or perhaps our visit to the Sailor Moon cafe?

そういうのが見たかったら 猫カフェやセーラームーンカフェの動画を見てね

So as some of you already know, I suffer from chronic pain,

一部の人は知ってるだろうけど 私は慢性的な痛みに苦しんでいる

but what I haven't told you guys is that I also suffer from chronic depression.

でも話していなかったんだけど 慢性うつ病にも苦しんでいる

So normally, I don't talk a lot about my illness,

普段は私の病気については話さないことにしてる

because I like to use humor to cope with it; it's kinda my thing that I like to do.

なぜなら楽しく乗り切ろうとしてるし そうするのが好きだから

But lately, I've read a lot of emails and comments from people who are also suffering from chronic pain and

でも最近、同じような慢性的な痛みや慢性うつを持つ人から多くのメールやコメントをもらう

depression. And while it makes me super happy to hear that my videos can motivate and inspire people

私の動画を見て元気が出たって言ってくれるのは 本当にうれしいの

I also realized I've never really shared with you how I cope with my depression.

そして気付いたのは、私がどうやって慢性うつと向き合っているか伝えてないってこと

Since you are only able to see videos that I choose to put out,

それは私たちがアップする動画しか見れないから

you only see videos of me being happy and frolicking at like a maid cafe, and

メイドカフェで楽しんでいるような動画や

eating wonderful, gourmet sushi, and visiting the Sailor Moon cafe

美味しいお寿司を食べたりセーラームーンカフェに行ったり

and I seem like this super happy person. That super happy person is me.

私がすごいハッピーな人間に感じると思う その通りでもあるわ

But there are also days that are miserable, and crappy, and I never document them on camera

でも惨めで情けない日もある それは動画には撮らないようにしてる

and share them with you, because I think that they would make you feel just miserable.

なぜなら見ている人たちが惨めな気分になるでしょう

But on the other hand, I don't want to paint an inaccurate or unattainable way of living

でも一方では、慢性的な痛みと慢性うつと向き合い方で、間違ったことを伝えたくないと思う

with chronic pain or depression. So what I want to do today is open up to you guys and talk to you

だから今日は皆と一緒にちゃんと話したいと思うの

very honestly about how I handle my depression.

とても正直に、私がどうやってうつと向き合っているか

Whaaaat? Depression? How can Martina be depressed?

え？うつ？マルティナがそんなわけないでしょ？

Look at her hair - it's like a unicorn. Look at my outfit; it's totally made for a five year old,

髪はユニコーンみたいだし服も5歳の子が着るようなものよ

but I was like I can fit into this, and I'm really happy that I can, because it makes me feel happy

でも私は着ると幸せな気分になれるからそうしてるの

to wear lion-shaped clothing, and I think everyone should have lion-shaped clothing in their life.

ライオンの形の服よ、皆も着た方がいいわ

So first of all, for those of you that don't know, I was actually born with an incurable, genetic disorder

まず始めに、私は治療不可能な遺伝性障害を持って産まれた

known as EDS. Essentially, I was born with a defect in my collagen,

EDSとして知られている 私はコラーゲンが欠陥している状態で産まれた

and collagen is really important to keeping your entire body together.

コラーゲンは人の体をくっつけておく非常に重要なものなの

Because I have a defect in collagen, my body likes to fall apart. So things dislocate, and fall out of socket.

私はコラーゲンが欠陥しているから 体がバラバラになる感じ、脱臼して関節が外れやすい

I'm kind of like a Transformer. Transformers like can, you know, dislocate and turn into cars and trucks and stuff.

トランスフォーマーみたいよ あちこち外れて車やトラックに変身するでしょ

But I just like to transform into like a world of pain. There's that humor.

でも私は変身しても痛い人になるだけ 冗談よ

So in my personal situation, my chronic pain basically wrecks havoc both on my body, physically -

私個人のケースでは、慢性的な痛みは時に体をめちゃくちゃに壊す

so like a dislocated shoulder will actually hurt, but it also creates a problem with the hormones inside my body

肩の関節が外れると本当に痛いの、でも痛いだけじゃなくて体内のホルモンにも影響がある

that are trying to cope with this pain and the feeling. And this is something that everyone can relate to.

体が痛みを感じると、気分も悪くなる これは皆も分かると思う

You don't have to have chronic pain to understand what I'm saying. If you've ever had like a

慢性的な痛みを持ってない人でも分かると思う

toothache or like if you've broken a bone, you'll notice that, you're not yourself.

歯痛や骨折した時にまるで自分が自分じゃないように感じるでしょ

You're not exactly the happiest person on the entire planet, and everybody deals with pain differently.

自分は世界で一番幸せじゃないって そして皆が違う痛みと闘ってる

Some people are super cranky, irritable, awful, mean people.

ある人はイライラして意地悪になったり

Other people are just withdrawn, like they're not themselves, and they're not talkative. We all

またある人は、抑えて静かに耐えている

have different ways of dealing with pain. The difference is that if you break your arm or you have a toothache,

皆が痛みとそれぞれ違う闘い方をしてる 骨折や歯痛と違うところは

eventually, it will be fixed, and you will stop feeling that pain.

それらはいずれ治って痛みは止まる

But in my case, I can never be fixed. There will be no end to my pain.

でも私の場合、絶対に治ることはないし終わることもない

There is no cure for EDS, so I will always be in pain.

EDSに治療法はないから、私は常に痛みと一緒にいる

And my mood, and my mental state will always be affected by this pain. Forever.

だから私の気分やメンタルは常に痛みに左右される 永遠に

This never-ending pain cycle can make it really easy for people with chronic illnesses to become really

この終わらない痛みは人を簡単に病気にしてしまう

mean, nasty, snippy people. And I really - you know, like I can't blame them for this, because

意地悪になったり卑劣になったり でも私はそんな人たちを責められない

this exhausted body of never-ending pain will lead you to like really dark days of total depression

なぜなら痛みで焦燥しきった体は人を本当に暗く、うつにしてしまうの

and utter hopelessness. Like I just can't believe that I'm never gonna be cured.

希望が持てなくなる 私は一生治らないことが信じられないし

I can't believe that I'm getting worse. I look in the mirror, and I think, is this really my life?

徐々に悪化していくことも信じられない 鏡を見て、これが本当に私の人生なの？って思う

Is this really - I'm not reading a book or watching a movie? This is actually me who will deal with this forever

これは本や映画じゃなくて本当に私に起きていることなの？一生病気と闘うの？

and is only gonna get worse. And you just feel utterly despondent and hopeless.

それに悪化していくのみだって？ そして本当に嫌な気分になるわ

I throw a lot of pity parties for myself. But I'd like to say I think this is the biggest turn out I have ever had for a

慰め会もたくさんやった でもこれが一番すごい慰め会になるわね

pity party, because whatever happy day you were having, I'm pretty sure that's over with now that you've seen

だってどれだけ幸せな日を過ごしていたとしても この動画を見てそんな気分じゃなくなるでしょ

this part of the video. But I brought you guys to this pity party for a reason, because I wanna show you what I do

でも皆にこの慰め会を届けたい理由がある 私がどう向き合っているか伝えたいし

to help myself on these really, really low days. And the reason I say help is because

自分が暗いときの助けにもなるから なぜ助けになるかと言うと

there was a time in my life when I gave up, and I let the depression completely wash over me.

本当に落ち込んでどうしようもなくなった時があって

And I fell into the darkest possible pit.

真っ暗な穴の中にいて

And I... I attempted suicide. And it didn't work.

自殺をしようとした 失敗したけど

And it was definitely the lowest part of my life.

確実に私の人生で一番最低だった

But I felt like

でも思ったの

If I was willing to end it all, if I was willing to just not live anymore, then

もし自ら人生を終えるなら どうせこれ以上生きていく気がないなら

I had a stupid thought. Like, why didn't I ever get a tattoo? Why didn't I dye my hair pink?

バカな考えだけど、タトゥーを入れてみたら？ 髪をピンクにしてみたら？

Why didn't I take that exchange to Japan?

日本に住んでみたら？

Why didn't I do all these things in my life? And

何で色々挑戦してみないの？って

So then, slowly, I started to do things again.

そしてゆっくり、色々やってみることにした

I did really small things. I started to build

本当に小さなことだけど、少しずつ始めた

these small things that created like a ladder that helped pull me out of this really low, depressed pit.

そうしている内に、小さいハシゴが出来てきた 暗い穴の中から出る助けになりそうな

And with each accomplishment, and with each goal, and each tiny adventure, I slowly started to add

小さな達成やゴールや冒険をして ゆっくりと

rungs to this ladder.

ハシゴをのぼっていった

And I started to see meaning in life again.

そしてまた人生の意味が分かるようになってきた

And a lot of these things, at first, were really small, simple things, like maybe

これらのことは、始めは本当に小さいことだったけど

going on the internet and learning how to knit. And then the next thing I do is go out

インターネットを通じてやり取りをすることを覚えて

to actually get thread - and that's a big step. And then from there,

それは本当に大きなステップだった

I start to join forums and look things up online, and the next thing I know, I'm going to a cafe,

最初はオンラインのフォーラムに入ったりして それからカフェに行ったの

and I'm meeting real people and having conversations with them and, and -

実際に人と会って会話をした

All these little, tiny goals were just taking me out a little bit further away from this total pit of complete hopelessness.

こういった小さいこと全てが 私を希望の無い暗い穴から遠ざけてくれるものだった

So eventually, I kind of came to my life mantra, which is

最終的に、私の人生にこういった言葉ができた

Why not do all the things you wanna do?

「どうしてやりたい事を全部やらないの？」

I mean if you're willing to end it all, then...

つまり、もし人生を終わらそうとするなら

why not do everything you want to do? That makes no sense. You - there's no consequence.

「どうしてやりたい事を全部やらないの？」って 意味が分からない、どうせ終わるなら

You're gonna end it, so you might as well do everything you wanna do.

何でもやってみればいいのにってね

So that's kind of worked its way into my life, currently, in my now mind state in life, which is

それを試してみて私の人生は何とかなってる 今のところね

why am I gonna sit around and feel miserable and be in huge amounts of pain, when I could be

でも頭の中では、どうしてじっと痛みに耐えていないの？とも思う

dancing at a live show and watching an amazing DJ?

ライブで踊ったり最高のDJを見に行ったりするよりね

Yes, the next two days after that, I'm gonna feel more pain than I would have felt if I stayed home.

確かに家にいるより、出かける方が後からくる痛みは長く続く

But I still would have felt pain if I had just stayed at home. I, I still would have been sad,

でも家にいたって痛みは来ないわけじゃないし 悲しい気持ちがなくなることもない

and I still would've dealt with chronic depression. The difference is that when I'm 90,

慢性うつとも闘わないといけない でも違うのは90歳になったときに

I'm not gonna look back and say, "Oh my, that time when I watched Netflix and cried all day,

私はこんな風に振り返りたくない 「そうね、私はNetflixを見て毎日泣いていたわ」

cuddling my stuffed toy pig was a highlight of my life!"

「豚の人形を飾ったり、それが私の人生ね」

What I'm gonna say is, "Oh man, remember that show I went to with Simon and Dan in Tokyo?

私が言うのは 「そうね、サイモンとダンと東京で見たショーを覚えてる？」

When we saw that DJ, and I danced like a maniac, and I wore my LED light-up shoes?

「DJを見て私はLEDつきのシューズで踊ってたわね」

And then the next day, I just like couldn't walk?"

「そして次の日は歩けなかったね」って

But I was able to have this kind of adventure and this memory, and that memory and adventure

私はこういった冒険をしたり思い出を作ったりできる

adds another rung to my ladder, and that pulls me a little bit further out of that pit

そうしてハシゴを一つ一つ次への段へのぼる そうしたら穴から少しまた遠ざかる

on those days that I'm feeling super depressed. Just last weekend, we flew to Ehime,

暗いうつの気分からね つい先週、私たちは愛媛に行ったの

which is a part of Japan, and I climbed all these multiple hills, and sat squished in a van for hours.

色々な丘に登ったり、車で何時間も押しつぶされながら

And all of this wrecked havoc on my knees, and my shoulders, and my bodies, but I got to eat an

それは膝や肩、体がすごい痛かった でも

orange straight off of a tree, and it was starting to rain, and we were on a mountainside, and I

もぎたてのオレンジを食べたの 雨は降るし周りは山だし

surrounded by these chefs, and as the rain was falling on my face, and I was eating this orange,

シェフに囲まれて雨が顔にあたる中オレンジを食べた

it was the best tasting orange I've ever had in my entire life. It was such an incredible and simple moment

それは今までの人生で一番のオレンジだったわ 最高で、その瞬間は

for me to just pull an orange from a tree and eat it, but it was just a magical experience.

ただ木からオレンジを取って食べただけ でも魔法のような体験で

And after I returned from this trip, the next two days were awful, because airplane travel,

そして旅行から帰ったあとの２日は酷かった 飛行機にのって

and car travel, and sleeping in a hotel that isn't your bed, and pillow's hard, walking, and climbing

車にのって自分のじゃないベッドで寝て 枕は固いし歩いたり山に登ったり

All of this made it so that Simon actually had to physically lift me off the floor

そしてサイモンが私を床から抱き上げないといけないくらい体はボロボロになった

of our own house, because my body like gave out. It was like, "You're not standing today."

なぜなら私の体はもう 「今日は立てないよ」って感じで

And Simon was like, "Okay! I've been working out so I can pick you up." And he was able to pick me up, and

サイモンは「トレーニングしてるから持ち上げられるさ」って実際に持ち上げてくれた

I felt really miserable, and it was really tough - but

本当に惨めに感じたし、つらかったけど

now I have these incredible memories, and these incredible memories help me push forward.

それで素晴らしい思い出が作れたし その思い出が私を前に進めてくれる

When I was on the ground and I felt miserable, did I say to myself,

床で寝てる時に思ったの

"Ugh, I shouldn't have climbed that orange tree and had that amazing orange that will now define every orange

「ああ、オレンジの木に登ったりしなければよかった、最高のオレンジを食べてこの先食べるのはおいしく感じないかも」

you eat for the rest of your life? I should've stayed home, and just stayed in the house and watched TV."

「家にいてテレビを見てればよかった」

No! I was able to say to myself, "I don't regret it."

違う！自分に言い聞かせた 「私は後悔していない」

I don't regret anything. I don't regret climbing that hill and eating that orange, 'cause it was such a great memory.

何も後悔してない、山に登ってオレンジを食べたのも素敵な思い出になったんだ

And I never would've had that if I didn't... You know? So this kind of pushing through is extremely important.

行かなかったら経験できなかった 本当に重要なことだって

So some of you might argue - and this is my doctor's standpoint -

これについて意見があるかもしれない 私の医者も

If I didn't go out at all, I wouldn't have as much pain, so I shouldn't go out. And my doctor has actually told me

出かけなければ、痛みは少なくなるって 出かけるべきじゃないって実際に医者に言われた

that I absolutely should not be climbing orange groves, and I shouldn't be surfing in Hawaii,

だから間違いなく私はオレンジの木に登るべきじゃないし、ハワイでサーフィンするべきじゃない

and I shouldn't leave the house, and I shouldn't exercise.

家から出るべきじゃない 運動するべきじゃない

He's told me that I should go to a swimming pool, and I should walk in it.

医者はプールに行って歩くくらいがいいって言った

I can't even - I literally can't even swim. I was like, "Oh, I can go swimming!"

泳ぐことすらできないの 「スイミングしに行こう」って言っても

And he's like, "You should just walk in the pool."

「歩きなさい・・」ってね

If I did that, and I listened to all him, and I listened to all the people that told me not to go out,

もし周りの人たちの言う通りにしてたとしても

I would still be in chronic pain, and I would still be in depression.

慢性的な痛みはあるし慢性うつもある

It wouldn't change it. But all these adventures I go on and all these things that I push myself to do,

変わらないわ でも色々なことに挑戦して前に進んでる

have become fuel to push me to get out of depression on those shit days.

色々な経験が燃料となって私をうつから押し出そうとしてくれる

So when I was younger, depression had full control over me, and I almost lost to it.

若い時は、うつが私を完全に支配していて自分を失いかけた

But now that I'm older, I realize that depression will always be part of my life.

でも年をとって、うつは常に人生の一部としてあるものと理解できた

But I've learned different ways to add rungs to my ladders and to climb away from the bottom.

私は違うやり方でハシゴからあがっていく方法を覚えた

And while I know I will probably never get out of this pit, one thing I do know is that

絶対に出れないと思ってたけど、今は

I'm never going back down again.

絶対に戻らないと思ってる

While I don't have control over my pain or my depression, what I'm trying to have control over

痛みやうつをコントロールすることはできないけど

is how I respond to both of them.

どう向き合うか考えてる

So I totally understand if you ignore my invitation to my next pity party.

次の慰め会には皆来たくないのは分かってるわ

This was a pretty bad party. Didn't even have canapés, there was like no music.

食べ物も出さないし音楽もないし

It got weird there for a bit. There was some crying - sorry about that.

もし気に入らなかったらごめんね

Totally sucked.

ひどいわね

I hope that with this video, those of you that are suffering from depression - whether it be from a

この動画が役に立つと願ってる うつや慢性的な痛みに悩んでる人たち

chronic pain or chronic illness, or whether it be from an outside force that's wrecking havoc on your life,

治らない病気や、周りから酷い目にあってる人

I hope that this video can give you some tools or some strength to get a handle on your depression.

この動画が少しでも勇気を与えたり、うつをコントロールする助けになればと願う

And I'd like to say that I'm sorry we haven't been putting out as many videos as we first did.

そして今までみたいにたくさん動画をあげられなくなったことを謝りたいわ

When we first started vlogging and putting out videos back in Korea, I had a lot more energy, and

韓国にいたときはもっと元気があってたくさん動画も撮れたけど

the pain wasn't as intense, and as I get older, it's really just getting worse, so

年を取って痛みが悪化してきている

our videos are getting shorter amount of release dates, 'cause of all the crying

そのせいで動画は短かったりするかもしれない

and all the pity parties, so I'm sorry about that. But I do love seeing all your comments on the videos

でも動画にくるコメントを見るのは大好きだし

that we do put out. You guys still give me strength to keep going and making videos.

今でも皆のコメントが元気をくれて動画を作る励みになる

And then I give you strength, and then you give me strength, and it's this amazing cycle of wonderful positivity

私が元気を与えて、皆から元気をもらって 素晴らしくポジティブな

in the Nasty community.

コミュニティになってるわ

So let's get some positive comments started and give each other some support so that we can start

だから皆でポジティブなコメントを広めましょう

all building our own ladder. #buildaladder

ハシゴを登っていくために #buildaladder ってハッシュタグで

Hashtags... do they still work? People still do hashtags? Is that a thing?

ハッシュタグ・・？まだ使えるのかな？ 皆使ってる？

I don't know. I'm not hip and cool and with it. With the kids.

分からないわ、私は若者じゃないの

Ow, I really hurt my elbow doing that - for real. Where's my pig?

今ので肘がすごい痛くなったわ、本当に 豚ちゃんはどこ？

I'm wearing pajamas from waist down - you just can't see it.

パジャマを着てるけど下は見えないでしょ

This was a hard video, guys.

つらい動画だったわ

I cried; I'm sorry. I cried on camera. I feel so embarrassed.

泣いちゃってごめん カメラの前で泣くのは恥ずかしい

I feel so embarrassed that I cried that I'm gonna cry again.

恥ずかしくてまた泣いちゃいそう

I'm sorry I'm doing this; give me a hug.

こんなことをしてごめん、ハグをして

Internet hug.

インターネットハグ

I'm sorry that I'm getting fat; I can't go to the gym, but I love eating.

太ってごめんね、ジムは行けないけど食べるのが好きなの

I just love eating so much; it makes me so happy.

食べるのが大好き、幸せになるわ

Come here, big duck. Come here, big duck.

こっちにおいで

Come on.

私のダック、ごめんね

You're my big duck. I'm sorry, big duck.

謝らないで

Don't apologize, girl.

大事にしてくれてありがとう

Thanks for taking care of me.

トレーニングしてるから守ってくれるの

He's working out so that he can take care of me.

いつでも守るよ

I'll always take care of you, girl.

本当にトレーニングをしているから持ち上げてくれるのよ

He's literally working out so he can carry me around.

まだまだだけどね

He's not that good yet.

がんばってるよ

I'm getting there!

私は食べ続けて重くなっていくから、彼はトレーニングを続けないといけないの

He can lift me off the ground, but I keep eating and gaining weight so he has to keep working out more

今までより重くなったからね

because I weigh more than I used to.

前は63キロだったけど今は80キロよ

I used to weigh like 140 pounds, and now I'm at 176.

おなかが空くから彼も頑張らないと

How is he gonna keep up when I'm 200??