ネイサンの私立探偵のベスト-あなたのためのネイサン (The Best of Nathan’s Private Investigator - Nathan For You)

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- You know what you are?
You remind me of the wizard of loneliness,
'cause you you're own self, your own wizard.
That's what you are.
(Brian laughs)
Look at you in a (beep) pink shirt and everything else.
Oh, you're killing me.
You have no friends,
that's why you're the wizard of loneliness.
- [Nathan] This is Nathan For You.
Brian Wolfe claims to be the best private investigator
in the Los Angeles area.
- You know what I mean?
You keep people happy, they're gonna come back.
- I'd love to take him at his word,
but when I looked him up on Yelp he had zero reviews,
and that's not good.
So I paid him a visit
with a plan to change that.
When did you first know that you liked to snoop?
(Brian laughs)
- Snoop.
No, it's not really snooping.
It's not, you know what I mean?
It's observing.
We call it observing.
- Well, here's the thing,
I looked you up on Yelp and you have zero reviews.
- Zero reviews?
Well, what a name, Yelp.
- Yelp's a website where people--
- You look me up on Google,
look up Wolfe Investigations.
- What about Yelp?
- Okay, you keep on going on about Yelp.
Why do I care about Yelp?
Seriously, now let's think about this for one second, okay?
Been in business for 24 years.
Why do I care if Yelp has a review about me?
Do you think I really care about Yelp?
I don't give a (beep) about Yelp.
- [Nathan] The plan: give Wolfe's investigations
their first five star Yelp review.
- You're (beep) kidding me.
- Are you done having your tantrum?
- I'm sitting down.
I'm relaxed.
- Just listen.
I can't just give you a review
without knowing how good you are.
- Okay.
- So I'm gonna hire you to track a person.
- [Brian] Okay.
- I'm gonna give you 24 hours to track my whereabouts,
and if you do a good job at that
I'll give you a five star review.
- Easy.
- Easy? - Easy.
- All right. - Okay.
- Ready? - Ready.
- Set.
- Go.
- Give me a chance to get a little bit of a head start.
- Okay.
It's too much.
- A classic game of cat and mouse.
If Brian was as good as he says he is,
he was probably two steps ahead of me already,
but luckily I had a plan.
If Brian wanted a good review from me
it wasn't gonna be easy.
It's one thing for Brian to track one of me,
but let's see how he does with nine of me.
Prior to visiting Brian
I hired eight actors that looked identical to me
and had them ready and waiting
in a nearby hotel room to be my decoys.
You guys have one job,
which is to be me, right?
So look how I'm standing, look at my posture,
listen to how I'm talking.
You got that?
- Got it. - Got it.
- I have a bit of a jaw thing,
so sometimes I'll go like this to my jaw.
If Brian was watching the hotel,
this was my first chance to throw him off.
But I knew whether he was there or not
the next place he'd look is my house.
- My understanding is that Nathan's at home,
so that's where we're heading right now.
- So I got the best body double back at the hotel
to prepare him to go to my home as me.
So when you're there, you know,
you need to be like me.
- Okay.
- So there's a bunch of dishes in the sink,
so you can do those.
There's also laundry, so you could do that,
and the house needs to be vacuumed.
- So you want me to clean your house?
- Yes, stuff that would look like you're me.
- Okay.
- I gave him my keys and my address,
but now I needed his.
If I'm me, then who's you, right?
So I got to be you while you're being me.
- You want my keys? - Yeah.
If you think I'm being unreasonable,
keep in mind that Brian is a professional PI
and he'd be able to sniff out
any inconsistencies in my plan.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- I have a fiancee, yeah.
- A fiancee? - Mm-hm.
- What's her number?
I need to be you if you're me,
or else it won't make any sense.
- You want her number, really?
- Yeah.
Caitlin it was? - Yeah.
- When's the wedding date?
- Next year.
We still got to lock down a date.
- You don't have a date yet?
- No.
- Okay, maybe I'll figure that out with her.
- You do that.
- [Nathan] With Dan's willingness to include his fiancee
in the operation the switch was in full effect.
Then, we left as discretely as possible
and got into each others' cars.
My initial hunch was right.
Brian was secretly watching my house
from an SVU across the street.
Hopefully my plan to get my double inside would work.
- This could be our subject right now.
Look at that, it's Nathan.
He's parked on the north side of the street.
Bingo.
Looks like he's carrying a case of beer
on his left shoulder.
Amazing.
Going to a party tonight.
He's walking to the residence right now
and now he's out of view.
Mission accomplished.
- The beer on shoulder trick actually fooled Brian,
but at the time I didn't know that,
so I headed to Dan's house
and on my way I made a quick start.
Hi.
Do you sell any condoms at all?
- Yes.
- I didn't know what was gonna happen
once I got to Dan's house.
Do you have anything that's smaller?
But I wanted to be prepared for everything.
This is the smallest?
But when I arrived my plan immediately started to crumble.
- Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
He left me a message that someone was coming over,
but I wasn't expecting all this.
Babe, so this guy showed up
and he keeps calling himself Dan,
and he brought me flowers and some malbec.
- [Nathan] Dan's fiancee was creeped out by me
and I didn't know what to do.
- I mean, I'd feel better if you, you know, left,
and when Dan gets back you can come back.
- [Nathan] My whole plan was falling apart.
I was tired
and I had nothing left to do but give up.
(tapping on window)
- Nathan. - Hey.
- How you doing?
- All right, I give up, you got me.
You're playing mind games.
I can't keep up.
- You're an easy prey, kid.
- Well, you're a pro, so what can I say?
- Thank you.
- Do you want to go grab a beer or something?
I know a great place down the block.
- Let's do it.
Jump in. - You want to?
- Yeah, let's go. - I can get in?
- Come on. - Okay.
- Who the (beep) are you?
- What? - You heard what I said.
Who the (beep) are you?
- I'm Nathan. - You're not Nathan.
- I just talked to you three seconds ago.
- You know, enough shenanigans.
Get the (beep) out of my truck now.
- [Nathan] I learned an important lesson that day.
That no matter where I was
or how long I stayed in one place.
- What are (beep)?
Get out!
- I'd always be running.
I'd always have no home while Brian hunted me down.
But the most important thing I learned of all
is that Brian S. Wolfe is an amazing private investigator.
Four stars.
He's a little talkative,
so that's where he lost the one star.
Nathan F.
That's your review.
- You know what?
That's your opinion.
Typically I get five stars.
- Typically you have no reviews.
- I don't give a flying (beep) about Yelp, okay?
I ought to do a background check on you,
see what type of fella you are.
You know what you are?
You remind me of the wizard of loneliness,
'cause you you're own self, your own wizard.
That's what you are.
(Brian laughs)
Look at you in a (beep) pink shirt and everything else.
Oh, you're killing me.
You have no friends,
that's why you're the wizard of loneliness.
- You know, I haven't been to Boston
but from talking to you I can tell it's an awesome place.
- Boston's a great city.
- Boston, city of a million bullies.
- Not a bully at all, no.
- Bully. - No, I'm no bully.
Not a bully, no.
- Sorry I'm not more like your buddies.
- No, no.
It's not like that at all.
- Yeah, I know how it is for them Boston guys.
- I don't even think you could drink three beers.
- Oh, I could drink beers.
I chug 'em back like them do at the (mumbles).
- Oh, that's so funny.
- I drink beers like there's no other.
Like there's no more, I just keep drinking them.
- Anything else?
- Would you want to hang out on Saturday night?
- No, it's not gonna happen.
- Why?
- I have plans. - You have plans?
- I do. - On Saturday?
- I do.
- What are the plans?
- Taking my girl out to dinner.
- [Nathan] You're going out to dinner with your girl?
- Yes.
- All right.
But there was something in Brian's tone
that just didn't seem right to me,
so I hired a second private investigator to spy on Brian
to see if he really went out with his girl.
And if it's open he's definitely home?
- Exactly.
I never saw him leave at all, period.
- [Nathan] 'Cause he told me he was going out
with his girl that night.
- Ah, interesting.
You don't look too happy.
- No, I'm just surprised he lied to me.
Last season on my show I helped a private investigator
named Brian Wolfe, who wasn't too fond
of my natural personality.
- With a (beep) pink shirt and everything else.
Oh, you're killing me.
- But now, thanks to the advice
of a diverse focus group,
I was able to transform into a more likable person.
So, for my final test,
I visited Brian at his home
to see what he thought of the new me.
So, I've come a long way so far thanks to you.
So, before I go in tonight to talk to Brian,
I just wanted to know do I look okay?
- You look good.
You're dressed, again, it fits you perfect,
the V-neck and the blazer.
- This is good?
- Yeah, it fits you, it fits you.
- Okay, so this is me.
- This is you.
Be proud of who you are.
- With those encouraging words,
I marched into Brian's house
to see if my new personality would win him over.
Brian.
- Nathan.
How you doing?
How you been?
- I want to tell you something, Brian.
Last time I was here I was a little nervous.
- Okay.
- And I wasn't really being myself.
So I thought we could do this again,
and this time you can get to know the real me.
- Look at you.
You're still a goober, but that's just you,
you know what I mean?
- What are you talking about, goober?
What's that mean?
- Goober just means like a dork, a nerd.
- I'm a nerd?
- You know you're a nerd.
You've been a nerd your entire life.
There's nothing wrong with being a (beep) nerd.
You're a nerd.
- I'm not a nerd.
- All right, well, you know, that's my opinion.
Seriously, if I threw a football at you right now
you think you can catch it?
- I can catch the football.
- You can catch a football? - Yeah.
- I doubt it.
I doubt you can catch a football.
- [Nathan] Brian still didn't like me,
and after all the work I had done I didn't know why.
- Don't be sad.
It's okay.
- [Nathan] Then, when I returned to the truck,
I was shocked to discover
that the group was trying to distance themselves
from their own suggestions.
- It's too low.
The V-neck is just too low.
- Why didn't you speak up before?
I asked before I went in if this was good.
- I didn't know it was gonna be that low, man.
- What do you mean?
You didn't like the V-neck?
- Not that low.
- I asked you guys before I went in,
"What do you think of this look?"
- V-neck is this, not here.
- You guys said you liked the look.
- It fits you perfectly, V-neck and the blazer.
- That's when I realized there was a major flaw
with my entire experiment.
This new personality was based on the judgment
of four people who had agreed
to work out of the back of a moving box truck.
Of course it was flawed.
In the end, maybe there was nothing I could do
to become the guy that everyone loves,
but for a brief moment in time
it felt nice thinking that I had a chance.
Can I get a little rubby dub dub?
(group laughing)
- Good one, good one, good one.
- All right.
I want you to help me keep tabs
on a fitness model that I'm working with.
- Okay.
Male or female?
- Male.
- [Brian] Male, okay.
- [Nathan] I wanted to stay on task,
but the conversation get sidetracked
as Brian started bragging that he too was a model
who had appeared in a couple of magazines in the '80s.
- And then all of a sudden
it just went from that magazine to that magazine.
- What magazine? - It was Penthouse magazine.
- Oh, Penthouse, sorry.
- Years ago.
Years, years, years ago.
- Penthouse is porn.
- It's not.
All they're doing is taking photos of you.
That's it.
You know, you're with a gorgeous woman--
- So you're fully nude in it?
- No.
Can't really see much.
- But you're penetrating?
- Penetrating.
You can't see.
- That's porn, right? - No it's not.
Not even close to being porn.
No.
All it is is just being a male model
and taking photographs of you with another woman.
Very tasteful.
Very professional.
- But your penis was erect?
- Yeah, of course it was.
When you got a nice looking girl--
- And you're naked?
- And you're naked, yeah.
- But what do you call that?
- [Brian] What do you mean what do you call that?
- That type of modeling.
- Um...
Entertainment, you know?
Adult entertainment modeling.
- Okay.
Once Brian was finished bragging
I filled him in on my suspicions about Jack.
He says he works out every day,
so if he's going to the gym--
- Obviously he has to work out to get that kind of body.
- [Nathan] Brian agreed that something wasn't adding up
and recommended a covert surveillance,
so early the next morning he picked me up
in a Best Buy Parking lot.
- Let's do it.
- [Nathan] And we headed to the neighborhood
where Jack lives,
parking just down the street from his home.
- We just sit here and wait.
That's what we do.
- After two hours of waiting
Jack still hadn't emerged,
but I was determined to stick this out as long as it takes.
It's a woman.
- Yep.
It's not porn.
- Penthouse?
- No, it's not porn.
- I think it is porn.
- Porn is when you're having intercourse or fellatio,
one of the two.
- But you were with a woman.
- Yes.
- And so that means you did porn.
- No penetration.
I just wish I waited a little bit longer
till the kids got a little bit older.
- Why?
- 'Cause divorces...
'Cause the kids were young,
and one was out of high school and going to college
and the other two were in high school.
I just wish the little one was out of high school.
Some people, you know, don't want to wait it out
'cause they figure, you know,
they're wasting five years of their own life,
I need to get out.
We do too much for our children.
- [Nathan] After five hours of waiting
I was about ready to give up,
but then Jack finally emerged.
That's him.
- Let's go.
Put your glasses on.
Okay, let's do it.
We're on a code five right now.
It's called a code five, mobile surveillance.
There he is, okay.
- Right turn. - I see him.
Good job.
Lone Hill Ave.
- [Nathan] After making a quick stop at a drugstore
I was hopeful he would just be heading back home,
but unfortunately Jack had something else in mind.
- This is where he's going.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- [Brian] Crunch Fitness.
- [Nathan] This wasn't good.
Clearly Jack wasn't taking our business arrangement
as seriously as I had hoped.
- The guy lied to you.
He has no respect for you.
None.
- I just pulled up the dictionary definition of pornography.
Printed or visual material
containing the explicit description
or display of sexual organs or activity.
- You just googled this, right?
- Yeah, that's the dictionary definition.
- Printed or visual.
Okay, it was printed for sure.
No wonder why my parents were (beep) so mad at me.
- [Nathan] So, recently I did some PI work of my own
and discovered that Brian's portfolio
extended far beyond just Penthouse.
Going under the stage name Korey Wolfe,
Brian had been a full blown porn star,
featured in centerfolds and on the covers
of the nation's top smut magazines.
There were images that literally took my breath away.
It wasn't easy tracking this stuff down,
and I thought that Brian might be impressed
that I managed to recover the evidence of his modeling days,
so I paid him a visit to show him what I found.
- What year is this?
'84? - Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
- [Nathan] At first, Brian was a little hesitant
to admit that Korey Wolfe was him.
That's not you?
- No.
- You're saying Korey Wolfe is not you?
- No.
- [Nathan] But after getting over his initial shyness
Brian was happy to open up about his glory days.
- They don't want you erect, number one, okay?
They don't want it.
They want to show that when you're soft
you're still (beep) golden, pal.
- Why?
- Because they don't want to show it fully erect.
They want to say that when you pull your pants down
to go take a (beep) piss
you got some meat there between your legs, okay?
- So they want you to pose soft?
- They want you to pose medium.
- What's medium?
- They don't want you to be, um...
What was the word?
What did he say to me?
I said to him, I go...
He said, "No, Wolfe, you don't have to be (beep) erect.
"All they care about is that you have
"some strength in your penis."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- [Nathan] But it wasn't only Brian's penis
that was soft that day.
A softer side of his personality seemed to emerge as well.
- Okay, let's go.
Come on.
- You want to throw that around with me?
- I'll throw you some rockets of death.
- You want to throw the football with me?
- If I threw a football at you right now
you think you can catch it?
- I can catch the football.
- [Brian] You can catch the football?
- Yeah.
- I doubt it.
I doubt you can catch a football.
- Okay.
- There you go.
You're good, you're good.
You're good to go.
Blue 27!
Blue 27!
Hut, hut.
Go.
Throw it off behind your ear, and boom.
Oh, yeah, you're doing it.
Here, okay, you ready?
It's like this, and then you run it.
There you go.
There you go.