for living the life that I want to live.

I do it with everything. Like love-life.

Now that my love-life is a car crash,

I literally cannot be around happy couples.

Give me a cheer if you're in

a happy relationship.

Mate, it doesn't work if you drag your

girlfriend's hand up

when I ask that question.

Frigging caveman over here.

"She happy."

Give me a cheer if you're in

an unhappy relationship.

Right, we can hang out.

I love spotting these unhappy couples.

I saw one the other day.

I was on a plane.

This husband and wife walked on.

I don't know whether they were husband and wife,

but they were over 60. So if you're over 60,

whether you're married or not,

you're a husband and wife.

'Cause there is nothing cringier

than anyone over 60

referring to themselves as: "boyfriend and girlfriend."

You're not in primary school.

And I know that's ageist to say,

but unfortunately it's true.

I met this guy the other day. He was old.

Like, old-old.

Like, you could have got into his iPhone

by showing it one of your testicles,

like that.

He had to be pushing 80.

And he introduced me to the woman that he was with:

"This is my girlfriend."

That is your next of kin.

So the couple come on.

The husband sits down, instantly falls asleep,

starts snoring out loud.

And the wife is looking over at him,

and loathing him with every fiber of her being.

At one point he did that thing where it looked

like he was choking in his sleep. Like...

I accidentally caught her eye.

She gave me a look as if to say:

"Shh!

If he goes, he goes."

He's got his tray table down.

She's written, "Do not resuscitate."

Whole flight, he snores out loud.

By the time it gets to the landing,

even the screaming baby was like:

"This guy's an asshole."

But because his seat was ever so slightly inclined,

the air hostess had to come over

and put it into the upright position for landing,

or as we know,

the plane would've burst into a ball of flames.

In doing so, she accidentally

wakes him up, and he was not best pleased.

He snapped at her.

He was like: "Oh, my God,

is... is it really worth leaning over

and waking me up

for the sake of two inches?"

And his wife went: "Not in my experience."

There were high-fives.

The pilot had to do an announcement.

"To the lady in row 33, you go, girl, you go!"

Everyone was loving it.

Other than me. I was thinking:

"This is the last time I ever sit behind

my fucking parents on a plane."