(Cue: Invader- Jim Johnston)

[Wiz] Kaiju- the Japanese word for...

[Boomstick] A giant monster that destroys everything around it! Like Godzilla: The King of the Monsters...

Wiz: ...and Gamera, the Guardian of the Universe!

Despite being box office rivals for half a century, these two enormous creatures have never met... until today.

Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.

The year was 1954, less than a decade after Little Boy and Fatman had decimated Japan.

Boomstick: The nuclear age had begun.

Wiz: As the United States tested their shiny new hydrogen bombs across the Pacific, one of them woke something up.

(Godzilla roars)

Boomstick: Godzilla, the radioactive rampaging savior/destroyer of Japan.

(Godzilla roars)

Wiz: Mutated by nuclear energy, Godzilla stands over 300 feet tall and weighs 90 thousand tons.

He is an unstoppable force of nature.

Boomstick: And for some reason, Godzilla has made Japan his personal playground and has been stomping through it for 60 years.

Man: Couldn't he have picked on some other country?

Boardroom: (laughs)

Wiz: Godzilla's radioactive mutation leaves everything in his wake contaminated: water, plants, even people.

Godzilla's presence alone turns a city block completely uninhabitable.

Boomstick: Like that noisy upstairs neighbor or people who let their dog shit in your front lawn.

Wiz: But Godzilla does not simply walk past his enemies to destroy them.

Boomstick: His strength is insane.

He once lifted and threw his arch-rival Keizer Ghidorah, who weighs 100 thousand freakin' tons.

Wiz: He channels this strength through his claws, teeth, tail --

Boomstick: AND EPIC GRAVITY-DEFYING DROPKICKS!

(Godzilla roars)

(Godzilla roars)

Wiz: Hilarious abilities aside, Godzilla would not be such a legendary kaiju without some serious firepower.

He can emit atomic energy from his body for a short-range nuclear pulse.

Boomstick: Or fire his signature atomic breath, a goddamn laser beam of pure radiation!

That's like microwaving at least a hundred balls of tinfoil!

Wiz: Well, give or take a few... million...

(Soilders screaming)

Boomstick: The atomic breath can melt, burn, or blow up just much anything, and you know it just can't smell good!

I mean... that's a lot of fish!

Wiz: NO! No, no, no!

That right there is Zilla, the bastardized and shamed American version that Toho literally bought the rights to and completely re-branded... just to murder on-screen.

Boomstick: (chuckles)

Take that, America!

Wiz: And that was just the real Godzilla's standard atomic breath.

Boomstick: Yep. After absorbing a giant pterodactyl's soul...

Oookay...

He gained the power to boost his breath to the red Spiral Ray...

Wiz: ...an attack so deadly it only took a few blasts to obliterate the more powerful clone of himself, Space Godzilla.

Boomstick: What, Space Godzilla?!

Wiz: Yes, Space Godzilla is a thing, moving on...

Boomstick: Ohh...

Wiz: Godzilla's cell structure can quickly regenerate from all manner of wounds, and despite being vulnerable to man-made electricity, he possesses magnetic properties.

Like a lightning rod, he can attract thunderbolts from the sky and use nature's power to enhance his own abilities...

Or turn himself into a giant living magnet.

Boomstick: Magnets... how do they even work?!

Well believe it or not, that isn't the weirdest thing that Godzilla can do.

If Big G needs to get somewhere quick, he bends over, charges up, and does this...

Wiz: Well... at least Japan is... creative?

Boomstick: Wait, can that even happen?

Wiz: Scaling to the present, to actually lift his body means his atomic breath must have a force of over 328 trillion psi.

That's the equivalent of 1 TRILLION riot control fire hoses, enough to wrap around the earth 38 THOUSAND times.

Boomstick: Damn!

Godzilla has 44 known victories, largely due to his insane durability!

He's fallen into a volcano, survived a black hole, and tanked a meteorite point-blank... without a scratch.

Wiz: But despite his popular belief, Godzilla is not invincible.

His regeneration takes time, his speed is lacking, and despite having two brains, one in his skull and the other where his tail meets his torso, he's pretty darn clumsy.

Boomstick: Where were you on that one, Assbrain?

Wiz: He officially lost a fight against King Kong and he's even died in four separate films.

Boomstick: But Godzilla's victories definitely outweigh his failures. There's a good reason why they call him the "King of the Monsters".

(Godzilla roars)

Wiz: The year was 1965, the apex of the Space Race.

Technology was advancing further and faster than ever before, but no one could've anticipated the bio-engineered marvel hidden beneath the waves.

Eons ago, the ancient people of Atlantis learned how to construct life and foolishly decided to play God.

(Explosion)

Boomstick: But instead of creating something safe like a dog or a bunny, they created giant flying laser-shooting murder birds.

Surprise, surprise - they couldn't be controlled, and they turned 100% of Atlantis into ocean front property.

Wiz: So what was their solution to counter these giant destructive monsters?

Why, ANOTHER giant destructive monster, of course!

(Gamera roars)

Wiz: Enter Gamera, Guardian of the Universe and Friend to All Children.

Kid 1: Hurry, let's go!

Kid 2: He won't harm us. Gamera doesn't hurt people. He likes us.

Boomstick: "Friend to All Children"? That's a terrible title. How about "Gamera, the flying fire-breathing ninja turtle of doom"?

Wiz: That's... actually not far off.

For a 260-foot, 10-thousand ton turtle, Gamera is quite agile.

Boomstick: And he sticks it!

His arsenal includes two huge tusks, twin elbow spikes, and a fire breath so strong it can be used underwater, despite being... you know... fire!

Wiz: Technically, it's highly-concentrated plasma, the fourth state of matter.

The hottest plasma ever created by man exceeded 3.6 million degrees Fahrenheit.

That's hotter than the surface of the sun.

Gamera's fire balls can burn through practically anything.

Boomstick: And when he's not spitting hot fire, he f*cking eats it!

Wiz: It's true. A fiery four-course meal can quickly heal and re-energize him.

(Gamera roars)

Boomstick: Naturally, as a giant turtle monster, he can retract his limbs and head into his shell for extra defense...

(Rockets firing)

And then fire rocket jets out of the holes and freakin' fly?!

WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS?!

And why can't my turtle do that?

Some day, Mr. Snappy. Some day...

Wiz: Gamera can fly at speeds breaching Mach 3, over 22 hundred miles per hour.

That's faster than the world record-holding SR71 Blackbird.

Boomstick: But how the hell does he know where he's going, and more importantly, how does he not puke his guts out?

Wiz: The Atlanteans built Gamera using mana, an ethereal energy force connecting all things, places, and people.

Everything has a finite pool of mana, which can be measured using a... Sega Dreamcast.

Boomstick: (sighs) But it still can't play DVD's...

Wiz: A person's mana is dependent on how much influence and authority they possess over others.

As Gamera literally holds the world's fate in his claws, his mana levels are off the charts.

Boomstick: Gamera can manipulate his mana in combat, which is useful when you've lost your arm and need to give your enemy a kaiju-sized Falcon Punch!

F*ck yeah!

Wiz: And if Gamera ever runs low on mana, he can summon more from the earth itself.

(Gamera roars)

Boomstick: ...I think he got him.

Gamera is fast enough to catch a missile going Mach 10, capable of flying through outer space, and tough enough to survive a nuclear explosion which leveled the entire city of Sendai.

Wiz: As Sendai is about 152 miles across, this explosion must have yielded nearly 112 megatons of force.

Boomstick: Gamera has a fierce will to fight. No matter how much pain he's in, he'll keep pushing forward for the win.

Wiz: And he's not just determined; he's actually quite brilliant.

He tactically seeks to exploit enemy weaknesses and is apparently smart enough to repair an alien spacecraft.

Boomstick: He does machines...

Wiz: But despite his intelligence, he is not infallible.

Gamera's supposedly impenetrable defenses have been pierced before.

And remember, Gamera is explicitly the Guardian of Earth, which does not necessarily include humanity.

In fact, Gamera fears mankind may one day become the Earth's greatest enemy.

Boomstick: Ughh, I knew he sounded too good to be true. He's a hippie turtle...

Wiz: And yet Gamera has a strange fondness for children.

Boomstick: Umm...

? Gamera! Gamera! He will bring kids to his van! Touch them like no other can! Please don't tell on Gamera!?

No, really...

Wiz: Actually... he's sacrificed his life to save children on multiple occasions.

He even used his ultimate self-destruct move all for the safety of innocent children.

Boomstick: Oh. That's pretty cool.

(Gamera roars)

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Gamera roars)

(Godzilla roars)

Announcer: FIGHT!

(Godzilla roars)

(Gamera explodes)

(Godzilla roars)

KO!

Boomstick: Add "Master of the Cullinary Arts" to his title, 'cuz Godzilla just made turtle soup!

Wiz: Gamera may have held the speed advantage, but Godzilla's sheer size and power won this bout.

Boomstick: He's nine times heavier!

Plus, while Gamera tanked a city-busting nuke and almost died, Godzilla tanked a similar explosion from a meteorite and didn't even flinch.

Wiz: Gamera's shell was once pierced by Viras, a physically weaker foe.

There's no doubt Godzilla could overpower this giant turtle.

Boomstick: Hell, he's strong enough to match goddamn Thor, and since Godzilla's atomic breath is composed of pure radiation, not fire, Gamera could not feed off of it.

Wiz: But most importantly, Gamera has a history of winning through retreating.

He usually takes one round to analyze his foe and another to win the day. On paper, this sounds like a smart idea.

Boomstick: But unfortunately for Gamera, Godzilla don't play like that.

Looks like Godzilla put Gamera through living... "shell".

Wiz: The winner is Godzilla.

Boomstick: NEXT TIME ON DEATH BATTLE!

Wiz: Have an idea for a DEATH BATTLE? Let us know in the comments below.

Boomstick: Like, subscribe & follow and you'll gain my eternal love!

And don't forget to click on the pretty pictures all around you so that you can watch more DEATH BATTLE.

Wiz: BATTLES... DEATH BATTLES is correct. Thank You For Watching!

Boomstick: Shut up Wiz.