"Hey, youwantyournextdrinkin a saladbowlorthisfive-gallonbucket?"
"Hell, I couldinflate a babypoolandjustdumpitinthere, ifyouwant."
So, twohourslater, allof a sudden, I'm drunkerthantenstepdadsputtogether.
Now, justhowdrunkwas I? Well, I cantellyouthat (at) somepointinthemiddleofthecookout, I got a randomnosebleedandmydrunkassdidn't realizeituntilsomebodywaslike, "Hey, youidiot! Yourfuckingfaceisbleeding!"
Now, thispartofthestorygets a littlehazy, since "JustGotOnTheBoatJerry" hasbeenkickingmydickinallafternoon.
Butaccordingtomyparents' testimonialthenextday, apparently, I walkedintothebathroom, bledallovertheplacelike a woundedanimal, somehowbroketheirgoddamnsinkoffthewall, andthenstrolledoutlikenothingeverhappened, whiletheirbathroomlookedlike a goddamnhomicidescene.
I walkintothebackyardwith a wadoftoiletpapercrammedupmynose, coveredinblood.
Everybody's lookingatmelike I justleftthesceneof a fuckingcaraccident.
I gotositdownon a chairthatapparentlydidn't exist.
And I bustmyassinfrontofthewholebackyard.
"Well, I bethedoesn't make a shittyYouTubecartoonaboutthis."
"I betyou I will, Goddamnit!"
"Holyhell, didsomebodysliphim a roofieorwhat?!"
So, mydadhastodrivemehomethatdayanddropmeofflikeit's myfirstdayofschoolandshit.
Allof a sudden, I wakeup, and I realizethat I havetotake a piss.
But I'm prettysureif I standup, I'lleitherthrowupor I'llshitmypants.
So, in a lastditcheffort, I rolltomyside, unzipmypants, and I pissontomybed.
I'm notsurewhatmylogicwas, butsomehowthatwas a betteroptionthanpissinginmypants.
Asif I couldexplaintomyselflater, like, "Oh, no, youdidn't pissthebed, youpissedontoyourbed!"
"Andthat's better, somehow, I think."
So I fallbackasleeponmynowpiss-stainedmattress, and I don't wakeupagainuntil 9 o'clockatnight.
Andletmetellyou, I feltlikedeath.
I feltlikesomebodymurderedme, andthenbroughtmebacktolife, andthentook a pissonmetotopitalloff.
Andatfirst, itdidn't evenregisterwhat I hadjustdone.
Hell, itallfeltlike a dreamtome.
"Surely I didn't whipmydickoutandpissontomyownbed!"
"Whywould I dosuch a thing?"
Butifthatwasalljust a dream, I hadquite a fewthingstoexplain.
Orwhymywholebedroomsmelledlike a goddamnport-o-potty.
Or, youknow, whymydickwasstillout, because I neverbotheredtozipbackup.
"Oh, Goddamnit, I didpissontomyownbed!"
"Whatam I, somekindofwildanimal?"
Soneedlesstosay, I took a showerthatnight.
And I alsotook a longhardlookatmylife.
So, HappyFather's Dayouttheretoallthedadsandstepdads, andremember, themoralofthestoryis: "Don't slamdown a bunchofbottom-shelfboozeonFather's Daybecauseyou'llprobablypissonyourownbedlike a wildanimal!"
[Specialthanksto: DanaShaw, AndyHyun.]
Alright, nowsinceFather's Dayisrightaroundthecorner, I figured I'd tell a storythathappenedonFather's Day a fewyearsago.