**Fake laser gun sounds**

“Pew News”！！

The most legitimate news source on the Internet.

(σﾟ∀ﾟ)σ＜ﾋﾟｭ─ﾋﾟｭ─ﾋﾟｭ───ﾝ☆

*More fake laser gun noises*

ネット上で最も 信用できるニュースソース！

[News Theme]

(σ´∀｀)σ＜ﾋﾟｭ─ﾋﾟｭ─ﾋﾟｭ───ﾝ☆

Pew News, the place where we talk about things that happen on the internet. Topics that are of interest.

Pew Newsでは ネット上で起きている 様々な出来事を紹介します

News number one: J.K. Rowling is under the, the fire lately.

面白い話がたくさん！

J.K. Rowling responds to gay Dumbledore controversy.

最初のニュースです～

J.K. Rowling the wonderful author who didn't take a second before calling me out publicly for being a fascist.

J.K. Rowlingがただいま炎上中です

Thank you. Thank you J.K.

「J.K. Rowlingが “ダンブルドアの 同性愛者問題” への批判に反論」

*Kiss*

J.K. Rowlingは素晴らしい小説家です

Basically, what happened was that J.K. Rowling,

よく確かめもせず 俺の事を 「ファシストだ」と触れ回ったお方！

The queen of afterthought, after writing seven books,

本当にありがたいよ J.K

She... she thought it would be nice that if Dumbledore, without any hint in any of the seven books

(* ´з｀)＜ﾁｭｯ❤

That Dumbledore, one of the main characters was a homosexual.

J.K. Rowlingに何が起こったかというと…

A nice little afterthought, you know of course and you know why?

“後付け”の天才である彼女は 7冊本を書き終わった後…

Because they're no different. That's why that's how genius I am.

いい事を思いついたんだ ダンブルドアが…

Because,

本には全くそんなこと 書かれてないけど

They're no different from normal people. That's why I don't even have to write it in.

ダンブルドアはホモだ ということにしようって

I will however, take all the glory for being — *chuckle*

ちょっとした“後付け”設定だ

for being so forward thinking, you are welcome. So now that the new movies are coming out with Dumbledore's past or,

何故だかわかる？

his previous character as young. It was exposed that none of that will be shown.

“何も変わらないから！”

*Laughs*

“そう 私は天才なのよ”

Dumbledore, will in fact not be displaying

“同性愛者だろうが 普通の人と 何も変わらないのよ”

Uh, that he is into boys.

“だから何も書く必要なんてないわ！”

And J.K. Rowling sort of responded to, uh, people's criticism about this, people weren't too happy.

“けど皆さん 私を褒め称えなさい”

Kind of calling her out for her

“私はとっても先進的な考えの 持ち主なのだから！”

Hypocrisy that hey, I thought you said that he was a homosexual character, then why isn't he all the sudden and J.K. responded with?

ダンブルドアの過去についての 映画が出るんだ

"I'm gonna mute you," that's how you know someone responds well to criticism when they — she won't even listen to it .

ダンブルドアの若い頃の話なんだが…

*Laughs*

彼が同性愛者である 表現は全く無かった

J.K. Rowling, which of course also so progressively thought, yes, Hermione was actually black .

www

As clearly evidence all over her seven books displayed like here... and here

ダンブルドアが男に興味がある なんて表現は全く無い

Here's the tragic case of me actually agreeing with Polygon

J.K. Rowlingがこれに答えたんだ…

"Fantastic Beasts sequel needs to show Dumbledore's sexuality, not just hint at it." You have created a world with werewolves,

批判が殺到してたからな

wizards and all kinds of shit.

彼女の偽善者っぷりに みんな怒ってた

I don't watch Harry Potter, or read the books, but I know there's, you got magic in it, but a man

「ダンブルドアは同性愛者だと 明言していたのに」

publicly

「あれは嘘だったんですか？」と

Displaying that he- his sexuality. That's too far.That cannot exist in this world

J.K.の回答は…

Thank you very much!

「ミュートしてやるわ」

It's like she wants the cake and eat it too, and people call her out on it, and she's a crybaby.

批判に対する素晴らしい対応ですね～

J.K Rowling is a lost billionaire woman who can't face criticism.

聞きもしねぇ

Nothing new here.

www

*Laser sounds*

“先進的な考えの持ち主”である J.K. Rowlingは こうも言いました

The next news: Logan Paul went skydiving and his main parachute didn't open! ah!

「実はハーマイオニーは黒人です」と

*Somebody touched my spaghetti!*

ちゃんと７冊の中にも その証拠があるでしょう～？

Oh my god!

こことか…

I think that's the wrong emoji that they used, they should have used the that emoji, or perhaps....

[ ハーマイオニーの“白い顔”が… ] こことか

Many of you asked what my opinion was about Logan Paul returning to YouTube, and it's pretty simple:

俺がPolygonの記事に 賛同するなんて超レアだ

he should be able to return, there shouldn't be any problems with it,

「ファンタスティックビーストの続編は ダンブルドアの性的指向を明らかにすべきだ」

and I personally, I don't have any problems with it. I for one loved seeing slow-mo shots of Logan Paul with a serious face.

アンタが作った世界じゃ 狼男とか…

Maybe petting his dog or uh,

魔法使いとか

maybe just wrapping his fingers together. That's that's what I subscribe for Logan Paul, and I'm glad that he is back

そういうのがいるんだろ

doing what he's doing best.

俺はハリーポッターの 映画も本も見てないけど

Yes, touch the stone!

けど 魔法っぽいのが 存在してることは知ってる

Oohhhh!

でも誰かの性的指向を 明らかにすることは…

Awhh!

“やりすぎ！”

Can I just say, I love his haircut! It's just perfect, it just made me completely forget about everything

“そんなことあってはいけない！”

I need a new haircu-. I need a new... that's better. I guess the thing about this video is that Logan Paul's

“おだまり！”

Initial video, that started all the drama, It was made.. to make himself look better in the eye of suicide.

美味しいケーキを食べようとしたら 批判されて それに文句たれてるって感じだ

That's what he did,

“かつての億万長者” J.K Rowlingは まともに批判とも向き合えない、と

He just did it so.

相変わらずだな

Miserably that it just completely collapsed, and at the end of the day this video was doing the same thing,

(σﾟ∀ﾟ)σ＜ﾋﾟｭ─ﾋﾟｭ─ﾋﾟｭ───ﾝ☆

He's trying to make himself look better in the eye of suicide

次のニュースで～す！

There's really no difference, but the general thing to learn here that it's okay to do that,

「Logan Paulがスカイダイビング！ パラシュートが開かなかった！」

It's okay to benefit from suicide as long as you're doing it in the right way.

( ´Д｀)＜ｱ～！

One important note that I got from the video was that he met up with this

( ´Д｀)＜ﾔｯﾊﾞ~ｲ！

gent that survived from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, which is

顔文字 違くない？

Obviously doesn't happen and he was met with instant regret, and he uses that to speak out against suicide,

“あっち”の絵文字のほうが 合ってると思うけど…

And it's a great story.

Logan Paulの復帰について みんな俺の意見を聞いてくるけど

And it's great that he's getting featured. Basically when I was during my media storm

シンプルだ

Everyone told me to do this exact same thing,

復帰しても良いと思う

Everyone told me you need to meet with people, you need to travel around the world to

そこは自由にすべきだし

Interact and show people that you've learned, you need to appear on interviews,

彼の復帰について 文句を言うつもりはない

and I just,

俺も 真剣な顔したLogan Paulの スロモシーン見たいし

personally, felt that that was very disingenuous, It seemed like I'm obviously just doing it to repay my

犬をなでてるシーンとか

image or to repair my image.

ただ手を重ね合わせてる シーンも見たいよね！

I'm not doing it out of pure good intention

このためにLogan Paulに登録してるんだ！

Which sort of spoils it completely for me, and I just thought that would that's just disingenuous,

復帰して 彼にしかできない 事をしてくれて嬉しいよ！

I don't want to do that, I would rather just show people that I've changed through my videos and time.

イイね 石を触ろう！

He also did an interview with ABC with.. Michael.

(*´Д｀)＜YEAH~~❤

"Michael I'm 22 years old. I'm gonna be honest with you Michael. Michael

ｱｧﾝ❤

I've gotten to meet.." (Felix) Michael "So he's 100 yards away from the park and I-

コイツの髪型 超イイよな！

It just it doesn't make any sense and

完璧だよ！

I- I believe it happened for a reason."

事件のことなんて 忘れちゃいそう！

So apparently because it was just one hundred yards from the parking lot

俺も…俺も髪型変えようかな…

And and Logan Paul found a dead body it happened for a reason. There's a divine- Logan Paul is on a divine path of

よし

Redemption. This all happened for a reason.

今回の動画のポイントはこうだ

Who would have thought it would have happened? No one

Logan Paulの 炎上した例の動画は

""(Interviewer) For parents out there because where you're the father thirteen year old twin girl

“自殺”という問題を通して ヤツを良くみせるための動画だった

It's very hard to know everything that your kids watch, and there are a lot of parents

そのつもりだったんだ

(Logan)"Alot of parents" (Felix) Who are not gonna pay for your Merch anymore

あまりにも情けないやり方だった せいで 失敗に終わったが

*evil laugh*

今回の動画は それと同じ事をしてるんだ

"Every parent, I meet whose kids are under the age of like 12, I go hey

自殺という問題を通して 自分を良くみせるための動画

You you let your kids watch my stuff?

違いなんて無い

That's right parents. Don't worry about everything that happened.

勘違いするな これは別に悪い事じゃない

It wasn't Logan Paul's fault

自殺問題を扱って利益を得るのは 良いんだ 正しいやり方ならな

It was your fault. Okay. You should not have let your kids watch his videos

ひとつ この動画で良いと思ったのは

What are you stupid parents come on, man? What are you doing, parents?

ゴールデンゲートブリッジから 飛び降りて 生き延びた人と話す場面

Obviously it's not Logan Paul's fault

飛び降りた瞬間 ものすごく後悔したそうで

When you put out content like that do you realize the age of your audience? It's odd because Michael, I'm 22 years old

自殺問題解決に向けて 自分の経験を話してる

It's not like I'm making

素晴らしい話だよ

Content necessarily for kids. *mhm* You 100% are making content for kids Logan. You know your demographic

彼の出演はすごく 良い事だと思う

*crazily screaming kids of Logan*

俺がメディアに叩かれてた時…

Every youtuber ever knows their demographics, that that's how you are successful, it's in your analytics.

みんな 俺にこれと同じことを するよう言ってきた

And it's also, you meet them. I.... I know people say well

「色んな人に会え」 「世界中訪れて 話を聞け」

Only the young ones show up at events like this and stuff like that

「お前が“学んだ”という事をみせるんだ」 「インタビューにも出ろ」

But no, when I did my meetups ever older people there too. They were not there's all kids in fact there were more

でも俺は そういうのは すごく不誠実だと思った

young teens and uh,

明らかに ただ自分の悪いイメージを 払拭しようとしてるだけに見える

Young adults than kids you're lying. You're just lying. I try not to live my life thinking about money

本当にその問題について考えてる からじゃなく 自分のためだ

PFFFFFFF

そんなの嫌だ

*thud*

俺は そんなの不誠実だと思うし

*inhale*

やりたくないね

*inhale*

俺が“変わった”という事は 日々の動画を通して示していきたい

I'm sorry, what? Can you repeat that, please? I try not to live my life thinking about money

ヤツはABCのインタビューも受けた

*Pewds tries his new language called Brawn.*

「Michael」と

Your whole channel is built about money, Logan.

( Michael 俺は22歳だ )

It's the only thing that draws in these little kids to look up to you.

( 正直に言うよ Michael )

Oh look at all these flashy cars you have, the mansion. Your whole brand is built around it, Logan.

( Michael 俺は… )

Are you kidding me? The twenty seventeen year review video. Where do I begin? I guess I could start with this

ﾏｲｹﾙ

*dramatic intense hype music*

( 彼は駐車場から90メートルくらい のところにいたんだ )

At Twenty two years old I bought my first house for six point five million dollars, but it wasn't quite satisfied

( ありえないだろ だから… )

So I had a koi pond put in

( 何か理由があって 起こった事だと思うんだ… )

*intense music again*

えっと つまり…

Painted the walls of the guest house

駐車場からたった 90メートルのところだったから…

*intense music again* (idk why I am doin it)

Logan Paulが遺体を見つけたのは

Bought a giant truck known as the Yeti

何か理由があるんだ

*intense music again*

Logan Paulは神の御導きによって あの遺体を発見したのです

Bought a school bus and then turned it into a cool bus

そうなる理由があったんです

*just music*

あんなことが起こるなんて 誰も思わなかったもんね！

Installed a home theater system

( 私も13歳の双子姉妹の親ですが… )

Blah Blah Blah

( あの子達の見ているもの 全てを知るのは難しいです )

More material objects guys the point is I bought a lot of things including this Rolex

( そういう親御さんが沢山います )

I try not to live my life thinking about money

( 親御さん… )

*Pinocchio magic sound*

…は もうグッズも 買ってくれないな～

Like I said

wwww

Logan Paul should just keep making videos and be honest.

( 俺はいつも 12歳くらいの子供 がいる親御さんに合うと 聞くんだ )

That's that would be my advice and as long as he's not I'm gonna call him out on it.

( え？俺の動画見せてるの？って )

Now which brings back to this headline, Logan Paul went skydiving and his main parachute didn't open

そうだぞ 親御さん方！ 彼は間違ってない！

he posted on Twitter that uh he had to cut away his main parachute because it didn't open and uh

あれはLogan Paulのせいじゃない

He had to use the blue reserve parachute.

アンタらのせいだ！

Remember the guy that jumped off the bridge and survived? Well now, Logan Paul.

自分の子供に ヤツの動画なんか見せるからだ！

Has someone that he can relate to it.

お前ら馬鹿か～？ 何してんだよ～！

Normally, I would think better of people but

お前ら親だろ～？？

Seeing Logan Paul's behavior, and I think I'm someone that can understand this sort of mentality

Logan Paulは悪くないよ～！

Where you're just dishonest, I really truly think that he just jumped with the second parachute

( 動画を作ってるなら 視聴者の年齢層は分かるでしょう？ )

I would not accuse people of this shit. Just out of superstition, but seeing all these

( それはおかしいよ Michael 俺は22歳だ )

Track record of dishonesty

( 俺は必ずしも子供向けに 動画を作ってるわけじゃない… )

And doing literally anything to redeem your brand. I'm gonna call it out. It seems too perfect for me to see him

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

Talk to a guy that jumped off the bridge and survived

お前の動画は100% 子供向けだろ Logan

And then this is gonna be his first vlog, right this is gonna be his comeback vlog

自分の視聴者層くらい 知ってるはずだ

I haven't seen it hasn't come out yet

どんなYouTuberでも自分の 視聴者層は理解してる

But I'm pretty sure this is gonna be his vlog and now he gets a chance to feel like yes

だからこそ成功するんだ

You know, I survived a jump. Now I feel now I feel the same way, and if you think I'm crazy

自分のアナリティクスに 書いてあるしな

People are already saying it, maybe now you'll stop seeing suicide as a joke first you have this video, and then thiis very

それに 実際に会ってるだろ

specific..thing happens in

「イベントなんか参加するのは 若い層だけ」っていう人もいるけど

relation to it.. Obviously Logan knows his next vlog is gonna have to be important

違うね

It's gonna have to have some sort of message. You can't just keep making videos and move on

俺もイベントでファンに会ったが もちろん大人も多くいた

I'm not buying it I'm not buying it. I know people will think I'm crazy like I've put on a tinfoil hat or something. I'm not buying it

子供ばかりじゃなかった

I'm not buying it for a second stop being dishonest Logan. That's all you have to do

実際 子供よりも 10代 20代が多かった

*Fake laser gun sounds*

お前は嘘をついてる

Next news Pew News that's right we have more

( 金の事なんて考えずに 生きようとしてるんだ )

Susan Wojcicki tweeted CEO of YouTube

｀;:ﾞ;｀;･(ﾟεﾟ )ﾌﾞ─────ｯwww

I think that's their position at least

何だって？ もう一回言ってくんない？ww

That she's been listening closely to your thoughts and ideas for the past year

( 金の事なんて考えずに 生きようとしてるんだ )

So wanted to share my priorities for creators in 2018. It's a long blog post going through basically

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

Uh

( ^Д^)＜ハ？？？

Acknowledging the issues I would say

お前のチャンネルは 金の話しかしてねーだろ Logan

She sort of spices on some some good bits here and there, like like not everything is bad

金こそがお前のファン達の 目を引いてるものだ

Hey, they have super chat now and in 2017

「わぁ！なんて素敵な車！」 「なんて素敵な豪邸！」

The number of creators making six figures grew by 40% so it's not all bad

お前の売りは “金”だ！

But she did recognize the de-monetization in this message.

冗談だろ！？

She says but even as our platform continues to do well around the world too many of you.

( 2017年を振り返る動画… 何から始めよう？ )

Unfortunately had to learn about the new word in 2017 de-monetization.

( まずはコレかな！ )

It's nice to have it acknowledged at least it would be nicer to see

( 俺は22歳にして 650万ドルの家を購入した )

What is going to be done, I think I think a real good course of action would be to

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

Stop letting people have this guessing game with YouTube. You're gonna have to start filling people in on what is going on

( でも満足できなくて 鯉の池を作った )

And why for example a video gets de-monetized. Whenever my video gets de-monitized I have to play this guessing game of

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

What caused it, what was it in this 10-minute video that that wasn't allowed was it because I said "Dorian" at that

( ゲストハウスの壁に絵を )

Point was that too much you never know

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

It's so, I wish they'd just say: "Hey this doesn't fit into our Community Guidelines". I can go okay

( Yetiっていうデッカイ車を買った )

I'll cut that out, not a problem

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

and then I can move on with my day and instead of having to spend hours of

( “スクール”バスを買って “クール”バスに変えた )

Reuploading reuploading spending so much time and I think this is a problem with most creators when a when a clip gets

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

Claimed by another company they take all the revenue of the video

( 家に映画館を作った )

So let's say I use audio from someone that I didn't know was copyrighted or something like that

( とか まぁいろいろ )

it's hard to tell I know it's stupid you shouldn't do it, but

( つまり 色んなもんを 買ったってワケ )

Sometimes it just happens, and they claim the video

( このロレックスもな☆ )

They get all the revenue and plus that if they don't even have to say why they claimed it, or what is claimed

( (　´_ゝ｀)ﾌｩﾝ )

There's still so many issues with the system

( 金の事なんて考えずに 生きようとしてるんだ )

And they're making it harder for creators to earn their revenue that they deserve

もう言ったけど

Uh!

Logan Paulは動画を作り続けて 良いと思うが

You have really creative people really making.

正直になれ！

Uh!

それが俺のアドバイスだ

Amazing stuff that don't get the revenue just to give an example you have this really creative meme

変わらないようなら 俺は批判する

Uh!

記事の話に戻るが…