It would be unfortunate if someone decided to exploit that

for their own gain.

(laughing)

(upbeat music)

Yeah, I got them this fancy blender off

of their wedding registry, but let me ask you something.

Let's say this doesn't work out.

Not saying it won't, but let's say in a few years,

things are not so great, can I then go ask them

for that blender back?

The mosquitoes have died off, the birds have flown south,

the children are locked in their classrooms,

and the world is slowly turning into a desolate graveyard.

Finally, I can go outside in peace.

Dude, it is beautiful out here.

Just think of the graphics card and the RAM you would need

to run this at 60 frames a second.

I left the house for the first time in six months

and it appears that the sunlight has blinded me

and I also have a pretty sunburn.

Climate change is a major issue that we must face.

Just last winter, I had to leave my house

and shovel snow off my driveway.

I got blisters on my hands, I caught a cold,

I even went snow blind.

Never again, we need to warm this place up way faster.

I've heard you're not supposed to say stuff like bomb

and terrorist in this line, is that true?

Despite me bombing here today and none of you laughing,

I think I have proven the hypothesis

that leaving the house is not worth it.

Okay, so far so good.

Can I really not just figure this out on my own?

Crap, all right, let's see if other people can help me.

Ah, English class, the period where I can zone out,

draw some D and D maps, and still somehow pass

by reading CliffNotes.

Here's our next word problem, everybody.

Susie goes to the supermarket to buy bananas.

There are six bananas in each bunch.

If Susie eats 32 bananas a day, I'm sorry,

why is she eating 32 bananas a day?

What is wrong with her?

I mean, when you think about it, even real money

is actually worthless, you know what I mean?

- [Interviewer] Why should we hire you?

- That's kind of a dumb question.

Oh, so you're gonna pay me with cash that you're pulling out

of your bra?

Great, thank you, oh it's totally soaked through

with your bra sweat, very cool.

I'm sorry, sir, I cannot take the automatic gratuity

off the bill.

I really wish I could.

$4 an hour, that's sufficient for me.

What do I need a gratuity for?

(upbeat music)