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And whenever I fly to the States, I've got a place there, but I'm always working, right?
So, someone else is paying, all right, so I go first class BA.
It doesn't get any better.
Even if I was paying for my own way, I'd still go for first class.
But... Jane would probably be in coach.
It's 10 grand a pop.
That new Planet of the Apes movies on, she'd love that.
Alright, but when someone else is paying, I say, "Jane, get up here with me."
Right?
Front two seats, they board us early.
We're on the plane about 15 minutes before anyone else is, oh my God, they bring round these snacks, these, like, warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl, right, champagne.
It's great, it's like a little day off from me.
No phone or anything, it's like a little holiday flying to the States, right?
I could do without the safety video.
That's always a bit of a downer, right?
And totally pointless, if you go into the side of a mountain at 500 miles an hour, the brace position does fuck all.
Imagine if that worked right?
You're going down, right, right?
The planes smashing, you go, I'll try it.
Alright, you do that, ball of flames, you wake up, everyone's dead except, you go, "Fucking hell, that's amazing."
That is...
And they always use that voice, don't they, on the safety, they always use that voice, that calming, hypnotic voice.
Like, nothing bad happened.
They're saying horrendous things, but they're trying to make you think, nothing bad'll happen 'cause they're, I'm using this voice so don't worry about it, right?
They say things, like, "In the event of the plane landing on water," it smashes the fuck to bits, right?
They say, they say, "In the event of the plane landing on water, your life jacket is equipped with a whistle."
A fucking whistle.
So, the plane hits the water, smashed into bits, everyone's dead except you, by a miracle, you're bobbing around in the Atlantic Ocean, four degrees that water is, right?
You've got about 15 minutes before hypothermia sets in, right?
Or eaten by a shark, or you drown.
And you're hoping they dispatched air-sea rescue.
And you're going, "Oh my God, I'm bruised, I'm (murmurs), I'm gonna die."
"I don't wanna die wet, and I don't know what I'm doing."
"Hold on." (whistles)
I mean, air-sea rescue.
Now I don't know if you've ever been in a helicopter, of course you haven't, right?
But...
They're fucking loud, right?
It's like having your head in a washing machine.
You have to wear earplugs and then ear defenders.
Your teeth rattle, it's like...
Like that, so you're like, over the Atlantic Ocean at night...
Never gonna happen, it's never gonna happen.
If you crash, you die, right?
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リッキー・ジャーヴェイス 飛行機の嫌いなところ(What Ricky Gervais Hates About Flying)

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lauren.huang 2020 年 5 月 21 日 に公開    A_TKSM 翻訳    Yukiko チェック
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