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  • (ringing)

  • - All right, I've been alone in this apartment a few days.

  • I could use some human conversation,

  • so let's call up Roy Wood Jr and see what he's up to

  • with the magic of technology.

  • (ringing)

  • Yo, Roy, what's going on?

  • - Yo.

  • Yo.

  • How is it going over there, man?

  • - I missed your face, man.

  • This is fun.

  • - I'm all right, man, I'm doing okay over here.

  • My three year old flushed a full bar

  • of soap down the toilet,

  • so for about 14 hours we didn't have nowhere to take a dump.

  • You ever have to pray you don't have to take a dump

  • 'cause you know you can't?

  • This is the worst time to need another bathroom

  • other than your-

  • - Wait, so your son flushed soap down the toilet?

  • - Not soap, don't say soap.

  • It's a bar of soap.

  • A whole ass bar of soap, brand new,

  • and it got clogged in the corner.

  • So I went on Twitter asking questions-

  • - So why didn't you just pull it out?

  • - 'Cause it's down under there.

  • You know the toilet goes down, up and down.

  • - Oh, yeah, yeah, so that thing.

  • Okay, yeah, that thing.

  • - So the soap was there, so I couldn't get-

  • - Right.

  • - So I had to ...

  • A hanger, I tried- (child yelling)

  • - Is that him?

  • - Yeah, man.

  • (Trevor laughing)

  • - You know, dude,

  • the only thing worse than coronavirus

  • is having coronavirus shutdown and kids at the same time.

  • I have never been happier to not have a child in my life.

  • (Trevor laughing)

  • - Just yells for no reason.

  • (Trevor laughing)

  • - Does he even understand what the shutdown is?

  • Does he understand self distancing?

  • - No, he thinks this is spring break.

  • He keeps waking up, he goes, "School?"

  • And I go, "No school."

  • And he goes, "Yeah, there ain't no school!"

  • And then I make grilled cheese sandwiches all morning.

  • Grilled cheese and apples every morning.

  • - Man, I feel sorry for you.

  • I'm sorry. - How you doing?

  • - I'm good, I'm great.

  • I won't lie.

  • I'm worried about people,

  • I don't know where the world is going.

  • I'll tell you the biggest stress I have

  • is that I don't know if I have corona or not

  • because you don't show symptoms. I don't know if I have it.

  • What if I already had it

  • and maybe I don't have it anymore, do you know what I mean?

  • And then I'm immune, I could be in the streets,

  • but now I don't know 'cause I can't get tested.

  • You can't get tested unless you really show symptoms,

  • so I don't know.

  • So yeah, that's the only frustrating thing for me.

  • - It's like a lot of famous people getting tested,

  • that's what it seems like.

  • Seem like what you need to do,

  • you need to do what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna join the NBA.

  • That's how I'm gonna get my test.

  • I already thought about this.

  • I already ordered a jersey and everything.

  • - What are you saying?

  • - If you want to get tested for corona

  • join the NBA.

  • NBA show a symptom, they tested immediately.

  • They tested all of the Utah Jazz,

  • they tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder.

  • - Yeah, yeah, the Brooklyn Nets I think, what,

  • four players got tested?

  • Or no, four players were confirmed.

  • Yeah, they tested everybody.

  • - Yeah!

  • So if you want to get a test ...

  • Looking on the TV all I see are these corona tests

  • and people are lining up at 6:00 in the morning.

  • The testing doesn't start till 9:00.

  • You don't even get there that early for Jordans.

  • You get to the mall an hour before it opens for Jordans

  • and people are there four hours.

  • That's how dire this is.

  • - The way you just said it

  • makes it sound like corona testing is gonna be the new swag.

  • - Yeah, corona-

  • - Like rappers are gonna be in their videos like,

  • "Yeah, got that corona test.

  • "Got all corona tests.

  • "Bugattis and corona tests." - Yeah, with the N95 masks on.

  • With an N95 mask on they face.

  • (Trevor laughing)

  • - "You ain't got no mask.

  • "Bitch I got a mask." - "Got that corona test.

  • "Yo whoa corona."

  • (Roy laughing)

  • Wait, but now if you say celebrities get it

  • then how come we haven't gotten the tests?

  • - I think this is,

  • if there's ever a time to confirm whether or not

  • you're an A list celebrity

  • - Wow.

  • - This is the time.

  • 'Cause you look at the celebrities that's got it,

  • top shelf.

  • Idris Elba,

  • Tom- - Tom hanks.

  • Yeah.

  • - The people that are bonafide stars.

  • - Wow.

  • - If you doing Hallmark movies you might not get a test.

  • They might just not ...

  • I'm nervous.

  • I'm gonna be honest, this is myself included.

  • (Trevor laughing)

  • You might be good.

  • - Oh, man.

  • I haven't gotten the test though, so I mean-

  • - But I'm saying if we was both in line

  • to get the corona test and the swab lady

  • came down the line, she'd be like, "Oh, Trevor Noah, come."

  • And I'd be like, "What about me?" And she'd be like,

  • "No, Anthony Anderson, I don't watch 'Blackish.'"

  • (Trevor laughing)

  • That's what would happen.

  • - Oh man.

  • Oh.

  • Oh, dude.

  • I hope you're wrong.

  • I hope you're wrong.

  • I heard too many people are trying to get the test,

  • so maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.

  • Maybe they should send every NBA player/movie star

  • that gets tested has to bring a friend

  • to get tested with them.

  • Maybe that's how we get the thing to everybody.

  • - I probably should wear,

  • I got more baseball gear in my house than basketball,

  • and I know that for sure I have enough

  • to make three fourths of a Chicago Cubs uniform.

  • Like I have a hat, I have a glove, I have a jersey,

  • I have cleats, I just need pants.

  • - Then who are you gonna be on the team?

  • When they say, "Oh, you play for the Chicago Cubs?"

  • Who are you gonna say you are?

  • - They probably won't believe I play baseball

  • 'cause I'm black.

  • There ain't but eight of us left.

  • I probably got to learn Spanish

  • and trick them into thinking I'm Dominican.

  • Look, I'm just hoping that we continue to remain

  • alone together and that I don't get any symptoms.

  • (child yelling)

  • - Is that?

  • - Hey, let me go, man.

  • (child yelling) - Is everything okay?

  • - This boy, man.

  • I'm sorry.

  • - What's going on?

  • - I'm sorry.

  • Hey!

  • Stop eating the toilet tissue!

  • This boy is eating toilet tissue.

  • That's like eating money.

  • That's actually worse than eating money.

  • Hey, eat this $20 bill!

  • Don't do that.

  • - Roy, are you ...

  • All right, I'll chat to you later.

  • (child yelling)

  • Oh, speaking of young people,

  • Jaboukie Young-White's calling me.

  • Hold on, hold on.

  • Let me see if I can record this.

  • I love Jaboukie.

  • Yo, Jaboukie,

  • what's going on, man? - Yo, Trevor, what's up?

  • How's it going, how's it going?

  • You holding up?

  • - Man, I've missed your face, dude, this is crazy.

  • - Over this beautiful Skype quality.

  • - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah

  • - I'm loving this.

  • I was chatting to Roy yesterday.

  • His kid is running around the house, it's wild.

  • I feel like everyone is trying to just stay sane

  • right now, you know?

  • - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • It's me and my plants.

  • We're going at it.

  • - Is that a real plant?

  • - That's a real plant.

  • It's my best friend now, his name is Wilson.

  • - Wilson?

  • (Trevor laughing) - Yeah.

  • - Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, most of the time I'm fine

  • but then there's moments where I'm going crazy.

  • Not being at work there's moments where I'm just like,

  • "Ah!"

  • What do you do with ...

  • Like what are you doing?

  • - Oh, I'm just obsessively on Twitter,

  • on Instagram, on Twitter, on Instagram.

  • Just going back and forth between those two pretty much.

  • - Yeah, but that's what you normally do.

  • - Right, but the wifi at work is so much faster.

  • - Oh, so this is more stressful I guess?

  • - It's actually been pretty hard on me.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • My retweet to like ratio is down by half.

  • (Jaboukie sighs)

  • - Yeah, I guess everyone's got a different corona struggle.

  • - I've been thinking, like there's so many possibilities

  • online, like I might get ordained as a minister,

  • I might adopt a child online.

  • There's really a lot that I could do.

  • - You can adopt a child online?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Wow, there's so many things about the internet

  • I feel like you could teach me.

  • Anyway, fine.

  • - TikTok.

  • - Yeah.

  • We should do a TikTok together, that would be fun.

  • - (chuckles) Yeah.

  • - I'm trying to learn,

  • I see everyone's doing the thing.

  • That will be cool.

  • Anyway dude, thanks for calling in.

  • I was even surprised that you called, that was dope.

  • - Yeah, I really think it's important

  • that we check on older people during this time.

  • So if you need any groceries, prune juice,

  • metamucil, suppositories,

  • what was your list? - Jaboukie, I'm not ...

  • Jaboukie, I think when they say that

  • they're talking about actual old people.

  • I'm not old.

  • I'm basically the same age as you.

  • When they say old they mean like old old.

  • I'm not old.

  • - Yeah.

  • - I always tell you this.

  • - Well, that's awesome.

  • Okay, bye, take your medicine.

  • - I'm not old.

  • I'm a millennial.

  • (ringing)

  • Desi, hey

  • - Hi!

  • - Oh, wow.