It's Editing Jessica again.

I think we know if we start the video with Editing Jessica then

it probably didn't go too well earlier.

That's all I'm going to say on that.

So I wake up this morning feeling... felling rather awful.

Building...

Building sense of impending doom.

I was putting on my make up, got to my eyebrows and realized

[Dramatically] No I was dying.

of a horrific migraine.

So obviously the correct thing to do was to get back into bed

and then start filming uh.. my random, mumbling, ranting feelings.

about my migraine.

So.. you know. It's a video. Enjoy.

Please don't judge that I am only wearing eyebrows.

It's weird. Okay.

Hello lovely people.

Today we're going to talk about chronic pain.

because...

boy am I... in some chronic pain.

right now.

There's this spot in my neck... and if I press on it

I don't feel quite so nauseous. It's amazing.

I woke up this morning feeling like a lightning bolt had somehow

snuck it's way into my eye.

But then snuck is a very weird description.

Definitely smashed.

More of a smash.

A lightning bolt smashed its way into my face.

That's how it feels.

It looks perfectly normal. I know.

That's... what it's like though with a migraine.

Looks fine. Feels like my face has been smashed in.

Wonderful.

I thought it was a good opportunity though to talk about

chronic pain.

[Quietly] Jesus don't touch that bit of your neck.

I have people ask me — and by people I mean doctors —

"When did your pain start?"

I can't really remember I wasn't in pain.

I think I was just born screaming in pain and

then it's continued forever.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

And then of course you might be wondering

"But why are you filming today Jessica if you're in such bad pain?"

But the thing is... if I don't do things

just because I'm in pain

Well, when would I ever do anything?

You just have to keep on living your life, right?

Even if you have a horrific migraine.

Even if you're.... I don't know

back hurts so badly you can't get out of bed.

You still have to keep on dong things.

I not only have too... but want to.

I want to keep on...

enjoying my life.

Which I do very much... even though it hurts.

The life. Not the enjoyment. Clearly.

It's funny having a body that's this weak.. and fragile.

It doesn't feel like it should belong to me really.

I got told off by a therapist once.

I had to go to child therapy.

I was 17.

It wasn't a great match.

That's what happens when you get diagnosed at a late age.

And uhh.... and she told me off...

for having too much distance between my body and my mind and thought.

But I think that's fine.

I don't think there's anything particularly unhealthy in it.

I see my body as very separate to my mind.

But I love my body and I care for it and I want it to be okay.

But I think in some ways I think it's... healthy

for me to see my mind as being inside a body

that is not always...

great. Because...

It's not... me. It's not my mind.

I'm not the one that stops me from doing things.

It's just this body that I happen to have.

That I happened to be given and it has its challenges and..

I just have to work my way around those.

Maybe it's also to do with being called feeble and weak and

useless and lazy for so long.

Though those are just things I associate with my body.

It's not me. I tried. I wanted to do things

I just couldn't because of the body... so.

Ah well.

It's much easier to forgive my body if I think of it as being something that's

a little bit separate.

It's a rather heavy topic

I realize.

But there we go.

Claud had to leave for work this morning.

and I know she was not happy to leave me.

She looked very...

very...

upset about it really.

But it's okay. I do have Clara. Clara's here. Looking after me.

Not entirely alone. Yay.

The most annoying thing...

is that I'm not entirely sure why I have an awful migraine.

Ohhh..

Oh I shouldn't laugh actually. That apparently hurts.

If this is your first time meeting me

Hi. Hello. I do actually have like a whole face.

You just.. don't get to see it today.

I have a genetic illness that affects my

nerves, muscles, organs,

immune system. All that jazz.

Pretty much everything.

And also...

I guess it gives me these migraines.

But I...

have migraines for a variety of reasons.

So it's very annoying.

I have to try and find which one it is that's stopped me.

Is it because I'm low on blood sugar

Well I woke up this morning and ate 3 packets of PomBears and an apple

because my body wanted me to.

I don't know.

And that doesn't appear to have helped.

I also ate something else but I can't remember what now.

Custard?

Maybe I ate some custard.

Or it could be low blood pressure.

That's also something that I have to deal with.

But then it does tend to right itself when I've lain down for a while.

And this isn't doing that. Same with P.O.T.S.

Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome.

That's good isn't it?

P.O.T.S.

I just like that it abbreviates into

something cute.

Oh wait. That's not an abbreviation.

That's an initialization, isn't it?

My brain's a bit foggy.

You have to excuse me. Can't quit rememb [mumbles]

English lessons now.

So P.O.T.S. is pretty awful.

Dealing with that's pretty hard.

But again lying down does tend to help.

And this isn't being improve by that at all.

Could be hormonal.

My body tends to attack myself at certain times of the month.

But I don't think it's that right time of the month. So...

Could be fatigue related.

If I'm too tired I get migraines.

Could be that.

I have done a lot recently I suppose.

A week and a half ago I was in L.A.

for a work trip and

it's been a bit difficult to recover from.

No not a week and a half ago.

[Mumbling] It's going (inaudible) time.

Christmas is always pretty tiring tiring right?

Oh gosh. I feel so sick.

You have to excuse me if halfway through this video I just stand up and vomit.

Stand up. I shan't stand up.

There's a bucket on the other side of me.

I'll just roll over.

Nausea and vomiting are also things

that

come at me quite often.

Most mornings I have nausea that lasts for 2 to 3 hours.

I think nausea is quite a difficult one to do things with.

I find pain if it's

body pain like a... sprained ankle,

broken arm, whatever

much easier to deal with.

Because it's not in my head.

The bit that controls everything and

thinks and is and does.

Pain in my head I find

slightly harder to cope with.

It's quite nice talking about it really.

Rather than just being here on my own.

Well I say on my own. Not really on my own.

Got two dogs here.

I swear earlier I found this nerve in my neck

that I pressed it down and the pain would subside.

I can't seem to find it now.

Rather irritating.

It is pretty annoying really.

Having a head like this. I feel as if everything I say is

reverberating... through my head in waves of pain.

And each wave causes nausea

But...

I've been here before. I've done this before.

I know that it goes away.

It always does.

I might have pain every day but it has ups and it has downs.

It doesn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things to me.

It will get better.

On a day with less pain, I will go and do something marvelous.

And that's what I'll remember.

I don't tend to remember the days in bed like this.

When the pain is so bad

I can't open my eyes.

Because why on Earth would I waste my memory space?

Unless something wonderful happens.

My sister-in-law brought my little nephew around.

And he played on the bed. Even though I felt horrendous.

It was so nice to see him.

So that type of memory I keep.

I make it sound like I'm selective.

Days like this I just wait for the next good one to come.

And I know that it will.

Everything gets better in time.

I think they want me to sleep.

Like that will help. It doesn't.

I think it makes other people feel better.

Feel like they're doing something useful.

And sometimes it's just a kindness

to tell people you are feeling better.

Or that what they are doing is helpful

even though really they're just shaking the bed and it hurts.

I think to put kindness into the world is more important than anything else.

And that will be my good thing for the day.

Even if I can't do anything else.

Just try and spread some kindness.

Goodbye my lovely people.

I hope you've enjoyed my little ramble. Now I'm going to get Clara to edit this.

Clearly I'm not doing anything today.

Sending love to those of you also dealing with pain.

And love to your people if you're not the one in pain.

Love to your person

who copes, who manages and who keeps going.

Always gets better.

Just remember that. Always get better.

You wont always feel like this.

You can do it.

I know it probably sometimes seems a bit strange to film yourself

in your worse moments. But

I think it's important because hey

my channel's all about my life with a chronic illness

and... if I only filmed the good bits

it would be a lie because that's not life.

And also I don't want you guys to... to feel alone.

You know?

You're not the only one who goes through this.

If you're a person who goes through horrible migraines.

And if you're not a person who goes through horrible migraines

it's probably also really helpful to see someone who does

because then you understand a bit more.

about them.

So there you go. That was Day 11 of my Christmastide video series.

All of the other videos are linked in the description down below.

If you want to know what we got each other for presents today

you can find out on Instagram

Just like yesterday's video when I was too tired to add that in.

Okay. Good.

I'll see you tomorrow. For the very last in my series.

I've actually really, really been enjoying making