from a Jewish tradition, the same one

as Bernie Madoff, the worst financial criminal

in history. So perhaps all Jewish transactions,

including mine, need to undergo some

extra scrutiny. My Catholic wife seems okay,

but we all know about the horrors of priests and pedophilia.

So maybe all Catholics, including Patty,

need to undergo some psychological testing. Now my Italian relatives,

we know that they must be tied into the mafia, we've all seen The Godfather and The

Sopranos,

so we really need to be keeping an eye on them.

THEM the most dangerous four-letter word

in the English language. This word

is used to isolate, to marginalize, to insult.

This word has been responsible for the suffering and death

of millions, millions of people.

THEM is an obscene word.

I'm an entrepreneur, passionate photographer,

and have spent much of the last 12 years traveling in conflict regions,

places like North Korea, Syria, Iran,

getting people to communicate who otherwise would do anything to avoid

each other.

Working in confidential, small groups

with hundreds of top business and government leaders

trying to break down stereotypes, attack

this four-letter word, I've learned that THEMification,

a new word now, THEMification, is often the root of the problems we deal with,

both personally and geopolitically. We all know examples of the horrors

that arise from THEMification. Just a few of them - the Nazi Holocaust,

Rwanda, Darfur, Cambodia and the Killing Fields, the Balkans,

Syria today. And it's not just what THEY

do to THEM, distant and far away. In America

WE annihilated Native Americans

as our Manifest Destiny, interned Japanese-Americans,

and today randomly stop and frisk blacks

and profile Arabs and Muslims. Now we all agree security is

absolutely essential, no question about that.

But unfortunately it's also sometimes used to rationalize some of these behaviors.

And while we're getting better, we still

look at someone who seems different and instantly label as THEM.

So why do we do this? Why do we see others through this lens of THEM?

Historically THEM

helped to differentiate families, tribes for protection, bonding, to secure scarce resources.

helped to differentiate families, tribes for protection, bonding, to secure scarce resources.

Today though, we continue to use THEM to identify with

our group excluding others.

But why? An important reason is that the world is overwhelming,

full of confusing, complicated information. To simplify this complexity

and to reduce and protect us from ambiguity, which is a very uncomfortable

feeling

we label, categorize,

and stereotype. It's also efficient

to label as THEM, but when we do that

we lose much of our ability to reason,

to feel, and to empathize. We also, at that point,

begin to only seek,

see, and hear what we want and expect to find, and what psychologists call

confirmation bias. And it doesn't help that the media,

which we love to blame but really

is just a magnifying glass and mirror for our own biases,

reinforces THEMification.

How often do we hear the words Islamist, Muslim, terrorist, Arab, suicide bomber,

al Qaeda

used as a synonyms?

This creates fear and a powerful

filter through which we are taught to see the world.

Fear is created by THEM. Fear

is often false expectations appearing real.

We're hard-wired - when the amygdala in our brain senses danger,

it's designed to protect us. It immediately hijacks

our prefrontal cortex, or our intellect, and our limbic thinking,

our emotional brain. We go into fight or flight, survival mode.

This comes at a huge cost. We sacrifice

our openness, our willingness to hear,

see others, our liberties. We sacrifice our humanity

every time we allow this automatic THEMification filter

to operate.

It's time to eliminate the use and mindset

of THEM. But it takes sustained,

conscious effort to get past THEM, and it takes courage.

We all want to believe we're good and admitting,

even to ourselves, that we stereotype and exclude others

is painful. But it is possible. One of the most powerful ways,

which I've seen work hundreds of times, is through individual stories.

When we really learn someone's story, THEY become more than a stereotype,

a living, real, nuanced human being.

An exercise I've led many times over the past decade,

In The Other's Shoes, has each side retelling

in the first person the story they've just heard from the other;

a real-life role play stepping into their shoes.

Try to imagine, a Palestinian

becomes an Israeli and says,

'I come out of a cafe in Tel Aviv and hear a loud explosion.

I see my brother-in-law's blood and body parts all

over the street, another Palestinian attack.'

And then the Israeli mirrors back what he's heard

from the Palestinian. 'In the middle of the night

the soldiers storm in to occupy our home. They're screaming at us,

humiliating me in front my family. We're terrified, locked in a small room,

and we've done nothing wrong.'

In The Other's Shoes really works

because once we learn someone's story,

once we understand how they see their truth,

their reality, we don't have to accept that

as our truth, but just by hearing their story

we're changed. So getting past THEM

obviously is critical on a global and national level,

but it's also really in our enlightened self-interest.

We can improve all of our relationships, including our personal relationships,

by getting past THEM. We manage to turn our spouses and partners

into THEM. Has anyone here ever

call their spouse or partner, gone into this mode of

'he always', 'she never'. We just created

THEM. So just imagine how much better our most important

relationships would be, free of THEMification.

Mark Twain said, 'Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness'

which is why I go to places we think we know everything about

and are often wrong. But we don't have to get on a plane to travel,

we can travel every day in our communities,

schools, offices. Make an effort to really get to know

people, get to know those around us. We can go

from THEM

to US. Can we interact with one

new person a day? Maybe someone

behind us at the supermarket, with us in the elevator, the barista at Starbucks,

maybe the homeless person on the street.

By doing that, are we able to get to a place

where when we see someone who seems different,

maybe wearing a sari, a headscarf,

a kippah, a cross, a hoodie,

we stop, we talk to that person, find out who they really are

as fellow individuals. Learn about their life, their family,

beyond that apparent difference.

This is also critical when we travel overseas.

Some friends here in Boston chastised me for spending time with terrorists

when they saw this at a photo exhibition of my work from the Middle East.

Well Abdulsalaam is a Bedouin entrepreneur

who welcomed my family into his home. His name actually means 'servant of peace',

yet he was labeled by some a terrorist, a criminal, a

THEM, simply because he's wearing an Arab headdress.

We can get past THEM with four simple steps.

I call them the 4 C's. First we've got to be Conscious,

be aware of that stereotypical phrase 'THEY

always'. We can only change something once we're aware of it.

Second be Curious. Let curiosity replace our biases,

our judgments. What's it really like

in their shoes? Third

be Compassionate toward ourselves, toward others.

Brain research shows that we're much happier

and more open when we're compassionate. And finally

Challenge everything we see, believe, and are told.

Challenge media reports about THEM, challenge everything we've always known

about THEM. Fight the urge to support and defend

our positions. And when we catch others THEMifying,

challenge. The 4 C's really work

and I've seen this many many times. For years

India and Pakistan had no diplomatic relations and risked nuclear war.

I helped catalyze a group of 133 top Indian business leaders, who

walked across the Wagah border to meet with their Pakistani counterparts.

The Indians were expecting to step into a terrorist hell hole,

the ultimate THEM, but with ample security.

After we spent three days together

all the participants became conscious of their stereotypes,

curious about the other's narrative, compassionate,

and challenged their preconceived notions.

This allowed them to really see their similarities,

that the Indians and Pakistanis look the same,

have a shared cultural heritage, and are one people.

THEM had been overcome.

The 4 C's also work on a personal level.

I try very hard to be aware of and get past my THEM prejudices and it's not

easy.

Three years ago I was in Syria with my family.

We're walking and hear a loud mob chanting. Well I'm triggered.

I go into fear, freak out, I've got to protect my family we're in Syria.

But I'm curious and I feel really foolish

when we go closer and find that it's a promotion for giving chocolate on

Mother's Day.

My curiosity and willingness to challenge my fears

means I didn't come back here with the story of escaping something horrible in

dreaded Syria, but instead

join the festivities and am hoisted on the shoulders

of THEM.

THEM, my new friends.

We all have a long way to go including me

but every step forward is significant.

Be conscious, be curious, be compassionate

and challenge challenge challenge. And remember,

there is NO THEM

once you KNOW THEM. Thank you very much.