Name: IELTS小論文の評価（全8回中4回目 (Evaluating a student's written IELTS essay (part 4 of 8))
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T10:02:13.000Z
Duration: 4 min 36 s
Description: VoiceTubeの動画で発音を聞きながら英語表現を覚えよう！学べる英語：

未来形

After analyzing the areas of older people, hobbies and the lack of government funding pay aged people care.

It is clear that the only factor that will be affected and we'll have negative effects is the society.

As we know, elderly people normally prefer to live alone.

It is predicted that in your future, the seniors group will suffer, especially their ill health.

Before we even get to the correction, I think the first main mistake that you may have noticed is that the first sentence is extremely long.

I think you could actually break that up into three sentences.

So that's one mean thing you want to avoid on your essay is writing a very, very long sentences.

Because as soon as you do that, then the structure of rest is is wrong and the structure of your exit is wrong.

So s So let's look at it from the beginning.

After analyzing the areas of older people, pole hobbies, it should be peoples possibly es hobbies and the lack of government funding to pay aged people care should be pay for aged people care.

It is clear that it is clear that the only factor I'm sorry, that will be affected and we'll have negative effects is the society not versus I is society.

Just take the It is kind of the only factor that will be affected and we'll negative effects I think will be affected.

I think the best way to say this is just to be safe.

It's kind of like saying the same thing twice.

So just it will be affected negatively is society.

So here the student is introducing new information into the conclusion paragraph, which is not what you want to do.

If you start seeing new things in the conclusion paragraph, then the person marking your S e is is in their heads saying, why didn't this person bring up this during the essay in the two supporting paragraphs?

So that whole thing's gotta come out as we know the people normally preferred a little loan.

So it is pretty that in the near future, the seniors group will suffer, and I think they had especially in there.

And there s a but it should be, especially especially their health.

We'll get worse with age, especially their health will get worse with age.

Uh, okay, the it's predicted that and you're in the near future, the seniors group will suffer and especially and and their health will especially get worse with age.

Okay, now we're going to look at the S A one more time, and we're going to look at how the sentences, uh, and ideas linked together.

And, um, you'll see that maybe you noticed yourself that some of the sentences in this s e are a little bits mistaken and their meaning it's.

And the role that they're supposed to play in the S e is not correct.