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  • Hey guys, how's it going? My name is Micaela. Long time, no see! This is my mop,

  • Sara. Kit is sleeping in the other room and today.

  • I'm here to present you my failure vlog.

  • I'm calling it a failure blog because I'm about to update you on all of my

  • life's failures. Things have been really,

  • really tough lately and I have not been able to make videos.

  • I have not been in the right headspace to make videos.

  • I have been dealing with things that probably should've been dealt with sooner

  • but took a ton of energy.

  • And therefore for the majority of this year I feel like I've been pretty much

  • knocked out of a headspace where I could think freely or think creatively or

  • think for that matter at all.

  • I don't even know where to start.

  • So I think I'm just going to jump right into it.

  • Hm.

  • The first and biggest and most important news that I'm sure many people have

  • figured out by now is that Tatsu and I are no longer together

  • and this is really hard. This is really hard to talk about.

  • We were together for six years and we did so many things together.

  • We had very similar interests.

  • We had so many good memories and we had this beautiful apartment and we have the

  • pets and we had so much going for us.

  • And I'm sure a lot of people would like to know what happened or understand why.

  • And to be honest, if I'm completely honest,

  • there was no foul play. There was no cheating,

  • there were no major fights or shocks or twists, nothing too dramatic.

  • It was just that

  • I made the decision to no longer be in a long distance relationship.

  • And that was a hard decision to make.

  • And obviously I do feel guilty

  • and if I'm totally honest,

  • it has me feeling a little bit like the villain of my own story.

  • For those of you who don't know Tatsu that had been going back and forth between

  • Tokyo and Fukuoka for a really long time.

  • Although I never expected his career to take off so fast and I was very happy

  • for him that it did.

  • It was really hard for me to go from being in a relationship to being alone and

  • seeing him maybe once or twice a month.

  • I think Tatsu is an amazing videographer and I think he's going to do amazing

  • things in Tokyo. I think Tokyo is where he needs to be right now.

  • It's where all the work is. It's where he's getting so much inspiration.

  • He is being pushed to become a better creative and I know that he really enjoys

  • that.

  • And so although it was me who made the decision to break up and to live

  • separately,

  • I did it with the confidence that even if he doesn't feel it right now,

  • I think eventually he will realize we made the right decision and the decision

  • to break up with something that tormented me for maybe two years.

  • I was always unhappy in a long distance relationship and I kept feeling like I

  • was toughing it out and waiting for a time where it would get better and he

  • would just come back and we would kind of pursue our own creative thing and

  • Fukuoka together. But then the longer that he spent away,

  • the more I realized that that was kind of where my head was at and it wasn't

  • necessarily where his head was at and the busier he got,

  • I kind of started to feel like there was no room in his life for me anyway. And

  • in the last year or so of our relationship,

  • I became not a great version of myself. I was angry,

  • vindictive,

  • bitter and spiteful and jealous and paranoid.

  • And I just,

  • I could not be the person that I know I'm capable of being if I'm in the right

  • state of mind.

  • I was just like always feeling down about something and I wasn't living my best

  • life anymore. And at the end of the year,

  • I went home and I went to therapy and I talked it out.

  • And even then after therapy,

  • I couldn't make the decision to move forward until much later.

  • So,

  • so if you can see I have the apartment I have the three pets.

  • It would have been so hard for me as a foreigner with three pets to find another

  • pet friendly apartment that would allow two dogs and a cat.

  • So we have decided that I would keep this apartment.

  • I'm continuing the contract,

  • I'm paying the rent and now I have a roommate who lives here as well on a

  • working holiday visa who is also paying half the rent. And that has helped.

  • But I've also gone out and I now have a part time job so that I can afford food

  • and I can afford rent and I can afford the medical bills,

  • the food bills for these three animals and the car, the gas,

  • I'm just,

  • there's a lot of things going on that cost money that I have to take care of by

  • myself now.

  • And it's been just a really heavy adjustment period and it's taken a lot of

  • energy and a lot of stress and a lot of tears and a lot of like just getting

  • through it and trying to figure it out so that I could come out to this space

  • today or I feel finally like I'm ready to sit down and talk about everything

  • that's happening and not feel like I'm like on the verge of tears.

  • Tatsu and I right now I think we are in a better head space than we were in the

  • beginning,

  • which is why I think I feel better about addressing this publicly now.

  • I did not want to do it when it would have been hurtful for him,

  • but I think that things are moving forward for both of us and we're in this

  • headspace now or we really don't want to be angry with each other.

  • I really do respect him as an artist and as a video creator and I'm excited for

  • him and I just,

  • I want him to have the best life and I wish him the best and now I can focus

  • 100% on me and improving myself and feeling better and being healthier and going

  • out and being social and finding my place in the world. Because to be honest,

  • the past few years I've been really feeling out of place and I think as I get

  • older, the desire to feel like I belong somewhere is getting stronger.

  • And that's another, that's a whole other subject.

  • So I think in the past year or so, my mindset has really shifted to the desire,

  • the really strong desire to feel like I have a base or a foundation that will

  • not shift,

  • that will not change something secure that I can build the rest of my life on.

  • And I think with a strong foundation you can build and like you can build your

  • life strongly firmly, if that makes sense.

  • Just imagine like your base being like a plot of land and your life being like a

  • house or something. I Dunno. A tower. Yeah, I just,

  • I really want a solid base and I want to feel like what I have is what I have

  • forever.

  • I guess in simple terms like getting married or settling down in a country where

  • I know I can live there forever.

  • And the thing about not being with Tatsu anymore is I have myself really

  • wondering if I'm going to stay in Japan forever. And it's weird.

  • It's scary to meet,

  • especially after so long after 15 years to imagine living anywhere else.

  • But at this point,

  • if I'm not going to have a husband and kids and a family and a house in Japan,

  • what am I,

  • what am I doing every couple of years where I jumped through these hoops to like

  • get another visa so I can stay longer. What's the point? I just,

  • at this point I feel like there's nothing really to fight for unless I really

  • want to stay here.

  • So I think that over the next year or two I have to do some soul searching and

  • figure out if this is really the best place for me,

  • if this is really something I want for myself,

  • if this is where I want that base, that foundation to be,

  • I'm supposed to be applying for permanent residency.

  • I was supposed to start applying this year and I just like what's the point is

  • where my head is at now, but I don't know if I'll feel that way forever,

  • so we'll just wait it out and see how it goes.

  • But yeah, no, I just, I've been really,

  • I've been really wanting to know just like where I'm settling and what my life

  • is going to look like so that I can like keep embellishing it and making it

  • better.

  • And I think going back to my relationship with Tatsu,

  • it was too hard for me to imagine a future where we'd settled down when things

  • were always so uncertain and it was,

  • he was not in a head space where he wanted to settle down. And I clearly,

  • I think I am. So I had to make that decision for me.

  • And that was something that I didn't really understand until I became 30,

  • to be honest. This is a sentiment I didn't understand in my twenties.

  • I didn't understand why people would break up over, like not settling down.

  • But I get it now because I think it's about people having needs and people

  • having different ideas of where their life should be heading and like what they

  • should be doing. And sometimes it just feels like a natural instinct.

  • And I've been doing like a lot of introspective thinking.

  • I've been thinking about like what kind of person I am,

  • what kind of person I want to be. I'm one of those people that's like,

  • I post pages of self help books on Instagram stories sometimes,

  • especially when I feel like they're relatable or something that someone else

  • might need to hear.

  • But I have been thinking a lot about intuition and I think that when you ignore

  • the things in your heart that you really, really want

  • it manifests itself in different ways through stress and through anger and

  • through irritability. And the more that we ignore that inner voice that's like,

  • I want this or I need this.

  • And I think we do tend to ignore it because we'll tell ourselves that our needs

  • are not as important as the needs of the people around us or you know,

  • like we don't want to look selfish and we don't want to sound like too demanding

  • or whatever. Like the more that we push that voice down,

  • the more it kind of just like builds and then it just comes out in ways that we

  • can't control. And so for me, moving forward,

  • living more intuitively and like paying attention to how my energy feels,

  • which changes day by day,

  • like I think I should be able to like control my emotions better and control my

  • moods better and hopefully have a more fulfilling life.

  • So in the beginning of this video, I called this a failure of Vlog,

  • but I do want to turn it around to like something a little more positive and a

  • little more hopeful.

  • Because there are so many things that I can look forward to I think in life in

  • the upcoming year. Just living in Fukuoka.

  • I'm very happy that Rachel and Jun live here now.

  • We have been doing a lot of stuff together.

  • We go out on adventures and I never bring my camera and I always feel like I

  • wish I could and now hopefully that I like now that I've checked in with you

  • guys and I've kind of opened up about who I am and what I'm going through,

  • hopefully now I can kind of join them on these adventures and they can be my

  • creative buddies and we can push each other to be more creative and go out and

  • find new subjects to make videos about and I'm excited for that.

  • I am really excited for that.

  • I know that Rachel and Jun moved here because they want it to have community and

  • I am also very adamant about like building a community where we can all feel

  • like we have each other and we can rely on each other and I feel like that's

  • coming together really nicely now. So I am looking forward to that too.

  • I love having a group of friends that I can send like a little line message out

  • to and be like,

  • does anyone want to go see Jurassic world at the outdoor theater?

  • And like, have a bunch of people show up. It's, it's nice.

  • I've also been going to the gym lately. I don't know if you've noticed,

  • but I've lost like five kilograms so like 10 pounds? My friend Sonnie,

  • who you might know if you watch Rachel and Jun's blogs her husband Joe is my

  • personal trainer. And it's really, really funny.

  • I just we go to the gym together. We both have a membership at the same gym,

  • so we'll go and he pushes me so hard to lift weights and do weight training,

  • do planks, do fucking squats. I hate them.

  • And I hate Joe when he makes me do it.

  • And I have lost a bit of weight and you can see it here.

  • But Joe's method really has transformed my body in a way that makes me feel more

  • confident and cute. And so I'm thankful for that. So that's it.

  • You know, that's, that's everything that has happened in the past, what, eight,

  • nine months. And it's been a journey,

  • but we're here now and I think finally now I'm in a head space where I can focus

  • on myself more and live my best life and project that kind of intuitive living,

  • positive thinking, all that stuff,

  • you know to the people who watch my videos and I can kinda just work on being

  • more of a happy, healthy person, which I'm really looking forward to. Hmm.

  • Hmm. Anyway, thank you so much for watching.

  • I know that this video was very long and I don't normally make long-winded

  • blogs. This isn't the kind of content I always want to make.

  • I just think it's important to sit down and check in with you guys so that you

  • know the personality behind the [inaudible], like the content you're following,

  • you don't have to know. But some of you would like to know. And for me,

  • in order for me to be my true authentic self,

  • I need to sit down and I need to let people know what's happening and it was

  • important to me. And Yeah.

  • If you have any advice, any life advice, any words of encouragement,

  • I love to hear those. Mm. Mm.

  • Yeah. If you're not nice, I dunno.

  • Please be careful cause I'm fragile and I might cry. Hmm.

  • This weekend I'm actually,

  • I'm really looking forward to this weekend cause Rachel and Sonnie and I are

  • going to the night market and I love the night market.

  • I've already been a few times this year. But it is going on until October.

  • And I'm excited to show you what that's like and kinda show you more of what's

  • happening around Fukuoka city because it is an exciting place to live and things

  • are happening all the time. And Yeah,

  • I will talk to you again soon, I promise. Thanks for listening.

  • Have a good night. Bye.

  • [Inaudible].

Hey guys, how's it going? My name is Micaela. Long time, no see! This is my mop,

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日