I'm in a forest and there's so much wind.

But I just bought a new mike today that first might have ever owned.

Uh, so hopefully the wind will be cut out.

Anyway.

I wanna talk about Imposter syndrome.

I have it real bad, and I think so many people do.

Maybe everyone does.

I'm not sure.

I don't think it's just the entertainment business.

I feel like people who just have other jobs would have imposter syndrome.

It's well, I think it's really common.

A university we got told about tall Poppy syndrome.

Uh, and it sounded like it was just the Australian thing, but I'm sure it's everywhere else as well.

But told Poppy syndrome is like people don't like it.

When, when told, Bobbie sticks out, you wanna fit in with everyone else.

It's bad to stand out.

I don't know, might be my culture that I come from might be my country.

Might be anything might be my family.

I don't know what it is, but whenever it comes down to me explaining what I do, it's like I cannot say I'm good at anything.

It's like, Oh, Well, I did this a little bit, and I'm doing my best in this, but it's never like it's never like Oh, yeah, This is my profession, and this is what I do.

Oh, yeah.

These are my strengths.

This is what I'm good at.

But I think it's like that for a lot of people.

I've had it for a very long time, Maybe forever.

Who knows?

But I'll give you an example.

Like I got a message from someone on Facebook and they're like, Hey, I went to university with you.

We didn't talk much, but I just want to let you know no one gets to where you are without a lot of hard work.

So congratulations.

Keep up the hard work and good job.

And my immediate thought was, Oh, my God, they're gonna When are they going to realize that haven't worked hard?

I never worked hard enough.

Other people work so much harder than me.

When is everyone gonna figure it out that I'm Sham?

It's always felt like that with so much stuff for university through living here, people keep thinking that I'm more than I actually am.

That's just the genuine thought of it, and it's not debilitating.

It's not the worst thing in the world.

It really sucks a lot.

But, you know, I can keep going.

I think everybody has.

It just does.

They just keep going.

But I'm wondering, what will it take?

Thio.

Just you know, I feel normal.

Like Walcott post a video Like it, It's great.

Can that just be a think and that just be the process.

You know what, people?

For us to meet you there like Oh, so what's your channel about?

And I feel so I feel so gross when I'm like Oh, you know, life in Japan and stuff.

Hey, I was Australia Day in an interview as well.

So, like what?

What makes a channel different?

Other people's owe me is that I don't know.

There's so many amazing YouTube is out there.

And, like the people that I look up to so creative, they are musicians.

They are animators, they are writers, they're comedians.

There's so many people who have so much more than then YouTube is that platform to release the creativity.

Right now, I'm getting back into making stuff and I'm realizing that it's not up to you the kind of creative level that I want, and I'm trying to figure out how to increase that.

I have a lot of ideas.

They make me really excited.

But then it's like, Okay, that's a huge idea that I would need a production team for and like, a $1,000,000.

So let's scale it down.

And then, in the process of scaling it down, thio me with my camera.

It kind of loses its It's Dr and I just Eventually I I can't make this work.

I don't know how to do it.

Ho hum.

And it's such a defeatist attitude.

It's pretty much just gonna be me rambling to a camera just about stuff.

Since I got here, it's been very interesting.

It's bean.

It's been a whole, like whole thing has been a huge Johnny, just like learning so much about each other.

Let me howto live with each other.

Yeah, we were long distance.

We pretty much like a year and going from long distance, too, living in the same one room apartment for a while.

It's like it's a big jump, and it's being something awesome, like, honestly, he's the first person in my entire life that I've been like.

I could live with you like I'm so protective of my space.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am so protective and especially like my one room apartment.

It's like I built up and worked for that after going through The X Squared made us like this apartment is like my papa, and for me to be able t o be okay with living with someone in that space is like It's huge.

Oh, I brought a juice box.

It's being really great with it, like I'm so glad we get a chance to know each other, and we get along really well and honestly just keep getting better and better.

It seriously does.

We're just, like, get more used to it and figure each other out.

What's right?

It's great.

I'm having a really good time actually going back to the imposter syndrome thing.

That's why I'm scared to do a day in my life.

I used to do them, but I get scared that people will say, like how little I do in a day, even though I don't do a little in a day.

I did quite a lot, but But I'm scared that my other people's standards they'll be like, Oh, she doesn't know the She doesn't deserve her job in Japan.

The working culture is so intense, it's always I'm not doing enough.

I'm not doing enough.

But then I'd never be able to do enough.

You've got some thinking, burying myself to other people.

I'll never be able to do enough.

You know, I have to be enough.

That's what I talk to my therapist about.

We talk about me learning to take care of me and just learning how to appreciate myself more.

That's kinda what look like kissing on the moment, which is really good.

And all this stuff sounds a bit negative.

Things actually really, really great.

Right now, I am having a wonderful time.

I love Japan, like from the depths of my heart.

That's another thing that gets me.

I get worried because people say, Oh, I'm used to Japan now.

It doesn't excite me anymore.

I'm like, When am I gonna reach that point?

It has been two years, and I know two years isn't that long, But I'm still like hyped Japan.

I'm like, When am I gonna lose it?

I don't want to lose this.

I don't know what's gonna happen.

Maybe we should change locations.

Let's do that.

Let's get okay.

So we're back in a slightly different spot.

Uh, more trees in the background.

Yeah, something really cute happened.

Well, I was on the way over here as I was doing some shuts thes kids came up inside playing with my tripod males like you want to check out the camera, and I, like, gave it to them.

And one of them was so into it.

And he was like taking pictures and e it was just It was just really cute.

And I felt that I could communicate with them like we had a conversation, and it was really nice.

I saw their mom.

I said hi.

Um, and then I was filming a shot.

They were like they went possibly I It was like you.

Bye.

That's another thing.

The more that I learned Japanese, I feel the more that I become, like, a part of the community.

And this place that I live right now is just so nice.

I'm friends with my vegetable lady.

Who are you?

My vegetables.

I just have chats with people still finding it hard to just have a normal conversation with my level of Japanese.

But I'm getting there.

Yeah, it runs really friendly, really nice and open and welcoming.

Being able to speak a little bit Japanese really opens up barriers that without before it's really, really rewarding.

Yeah, just in general.

Things really good things really happy.

Me happy with Eric, who have with my job, I just need to learn how to take care of myself mentally and emotionally.

I'm getting that.

It's I think it's gonna be a lifelong price as honestly.

It's funny.

A lot of my oldest stuff I had such mainly my angst and my heart emotions that I used to have were coming from a point of loneliness, and I've always kind of, I don't know, supposed to rely on relationship partner.

But my heart was always like yearning for something like I have so much to give.

Where can I give you this love except to accept it?

It was kind of gross, but it's crazy cause now sounds kind of cheesy, maybe, But like now I found the guy.

It's like I don't have to have those feelings anymore.

Yeah, overall.

A lot of my like, artsy angst.

I was just coming from loneliness.

And I don't feel lonely anymore.

I have been you buy because you've seen, uh, I love my bike.

I got a new one because Alex riding my old one and the old one the handlebars was so low.

I my back was really not taking it well on that bike, and it was old and rusty.

But this one is like it feels like so much more of a me personality thing.

And it's so nice writing in around me, writing it pretty much every day at least, right?

It's in station.

But there's so many more things that are accessible now.

Now I can ride to a place that has vegan cheese, soy and almond milk and coconut milk, ice cream, just international foods, artichoke hearts.

I love auditor cards.

Yeah, just like a bunch of stuff.

It's a really good save market.

I could just ride that.

Now It's really open.

So much stuff up.

I love writing.

Love it.

Yeah, just constantly on a road of discovery and figuring things out and learning more about myself and about Japan and where I want to be in life and creative, self and blab, blab, blab, blab, blab.

But things are good.

The main reason I want to make the studio is like I just want show that not everything's black and white.

It's not like I was sat before and now I'm happy.

It's like it's kind of funny, Um, people online watch a small video of you and and assume a lot about your life.

When I was, like my most depressed, I got a lot of comments saying You're looking so much happier in light and I'm like, Yeah, no idea.

People like I'm glad you're happy now.

I'm glad you're happy, and I'm glad that I'm happy now, too.

But you know this.

It's never gonna be 100% happiness, and it's never gonna be 100%.

Sadness is always good and bad and everything, and right now things are mostly good.

Also, I'll just say in this video if you happen to be living in Japan.

Turns out there's a a hotline if you're feeling depressed or like, it's like a suicide hotline.

But if you're feeling down, I just need some counseling.

If you're feeling a little bit stuck because living in Japan can be very isolating.

You can cool tell T e l L.

They were free hotline in Japan.

If you ever feel the need, if you live in Japan and you need it, it's best.

I just I really leave, like the description below, if you want it.

The I ended up going with a therapist, but I understand that sort of option for a lot of people because they're pissed expense they definitely on.

It's like Why it wise mental health.

Expensive.

Like surely, counselors and therapists should be more readily available, sponsored by governments or something.

But especially now in Japan, that's not gonna happen.

But mental health help should not be a luxury.

That's ridiculous.

All right, thing, that's it.

It's going to rain.

So I'm gonna head back.

So, yeah, help you guys.

Well, that thing's a good thanks for watching the video and makes really support constantly.

Really means a lot.

I don't really know if I should do the actor, because this is a bit of a non video.

Thanks watching.

I'll see you guys in the next video.

You on the outside.

I mean I like the outright.

So I'm gonna play the Alger.

Okay.

I'm gonna do it.

Hurt.

Bad guys done skies pulling off whole sucker of flowers.

Just dropping him.

What do you have against a second man?

It's It's That's right.