DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, BUT IN LIGHTER NEWS, WE'RE ALL GONNA

DIE.

TODAY, TOP HEALTH OFFICIALS ISSUED DIRE WARNINGS ABOUT

THE CORONAVIRUS, OR "COVID 19," AS THE KIDS CALL IT.

"YOU VIDDIN'?" NOW, IN A PHONE CONFERENCE WITH

REPORTERS, ONE C.D.C. OFFICIAL SAID, "WE ARE ASKING THE

AMERICAN PUBLIC TO PREPARE FOR THE EXPECTATION THAT THIS MIGHT

BE BAD."

WHOAH, DIAL DOWN THE TECHNICAL LANGUAGE, MAN.

IT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR SAYING, "WE'VE GOT THE RESULTS OF YOUR

TESTS BACK, AND YOU ARE TOTALLY...

FROWNY FACE.

Xs FOR EYES, TOO."

PLUS, WAY TO CALM DOWN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, DOCTOR.

REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF F.D.R.:

>> THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS...

POLIO!!

IT GOT ME, AND NOW IT'S COMING FOR YOU!!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!

I'M CONTAGIOUS!

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: UP UNTIL NOW, THE

CORONAVIRUS HAS MOSTLY BEEN RESTRICTED TO CHINA AND PEOPLE

WHO HAVE TRAVELED TO CHINA.

BUT NOW, THE C.D.C. OFFICIAL BELIEVES THE VIRUS IS HEADED

HERE, TELLING REPORTERS, "IT'S NOT SO MUCH OF A QUESTION OF IF

THIS WILL HAPPEN IN THIS COUNTRY ANY MORE BUT A QUESTION OF WHEN

THIS WILL HAPPEN."

BUT I'M SURE THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

RIGHT, JON?

>> Jon: WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE FINE, STEPHEN.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE GOOD.

I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE REAL GOOD.

>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.

>> Jon: YEAH!

>> Stephen: THE C.D.C. OFFICIAL EXPLAINED HOW FAMILIES COULD

GET READY FOR THE OUTBREAK, SUGGESTING, "YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR

CHILDREN'S SCHOOLS ABOUT THEIR PLANS FOR SCHOOL DISMISSALS OR

SCHOOL CLOSURES.

ASK ABOUT PLANS FOR TELESCHOOL."

YES, "TELESCHOOL," OR AS WE CALLED IT BACK IN MY DAY, A

GRILLED CHEESE AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."

( APPLAUSE ) "NOT FEELING GOOD TODAY, MOM.

NOT FEELING GOOD.

I THINK I BETTER TELESCHOOL TODAY, MOM."

FEAR OF THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALREADY RAVAGING WALL STREET.

ON MONDAY, THE DOW TUMBLED MORE THAN 1,000 POINTS, WHICH WAS ITS

THIRD-WORST POINT DROP IN HISTORY, EFFECTIVELY ERASING ALL

GAINS FOR 2020.

THIS IS HORRIBLE ECONOMIC NEWS.

ALSO, CAN I ERASE ALL MY GAINS FROM 2020 IN ONE DAY?

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF STRESS BAKING.

THEN JUST TODAY, THE DOW CLOSED DOWN BY ALMOST 900 POINTS.

GOOD LORD!

IF IT GOES ANY LOWER, I'LL HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT "A DOW" IS

( LAUGHTER ) IS A DOW A DOLLAR?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT A DOW IS.

ONE MAN DOESN'T SEEM TOO WORRIED: DONALD TRUMP.

DURING MONDAY'S 1,000-POINT PLUMMET, HE TWEETED, "THE

CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL IN THE U.S.A.

WE ARE IN CONTACT WITH EVERYONE AND ALL RELEVANT COUNTRIES.

C.D.C. AND WORLD HEALTH HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD AND VERY

SMART.

STOCK MARKET STARTING TO LOOK VERY GOOD TO ME!"

( LAUGHTER ) DO NOT HIRE TRUMP AS A

PARAMEDIC.

( AS TRUMP ) "THIS PATIENT LOOKS VERY GOOD TO

ME.

WELL, AT LEAST HIS TORSO.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IF WE EVER FIND HIS LIMBS.

ALSO, I'M HEARING SOME AWESOME THINGS ABOUT THIS HARVEY

WEINSTEIN GUY.

GETTING A LOT OF FREE PUBLICITY LATELY.

ANYWAY, ALL ABOARD THE HINDENBURG!

LOOKING NICE AND TOASTY UP THERE, GUYS!"

NOW THERE'S A REASON-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SEE.

THERE'S A REASON TRUMP IS TRYING TO DOWNPLAY THE CORONAVIRUS

FEARS: IF THE C.D.C. IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS OUTBREAK, IT MIGHT BE

HIS FAULT, BECAUSE IN 2018, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION FIRED THE

GOVERNMENT'S ENTIRE PANDEMIC RESPONSE CHAIN OF COMMAND.

TRUMP DID NOT REPLACE THEM.

SO, CURRENTLY, OUR PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IS IVANKA AND A

BOTTLE OF AIRBORNE.

( LAUGHTER ) SHE LOOKS GOOD.

SHE LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LAB COAT.

IT'S VERY FLATTERING.

THE OUTBREAK HAS ALREADY AFFECTED PLANS FOR THIS SUMMER'S

OLYMPICS.

"TOKYO OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS HAVE UNTIL LATE MAY TO SEE IF THE

VIRUS IS UNDER CONTROL.

IF NOT," EXPERTS SAY, "YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING AT A

CANCELLATION."

>> Audience: OOOH!

>> Stephen: I FEEL SO BAD FOR THOSE OLYMPIANS.

THEY'VE SPENT THEIR WHOLE LIVES PREPARING TO BONE EACH OTHER IN

THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE.

NOW, NOW AT BEST, THEY'LL HAVE TO TELE-BONE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALSO GOES NICE WITH A GRILLED

CHEESE.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

ARE YOU HAPPY?

HAPPY LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.

THE SOMBER ANNOUNCEMENT WAS MADE BY I.O.C. OFFICIAL DICK POUND.

( LAUGHTER ) WHICH I UNDERSTAND IS ALSO ONE

OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK