BELIEVE I KNOW GROUCHO MARX."

WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I KNOW DICK

CAVETT.

PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," DICK CAVETT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> BOY!

>> Stephen: DICK, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> YOU, TOO.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I REALIZED I HAD A KIND OF DREAM LAST NIGHT.

THIS COULD BE ODD AND UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> Stephen: WHY?

>> >> WELL, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TWO

LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW HOSTS, SO THAT THE WHOLE CONVERSATION

COULD BE NO ANSWERS, JUST QUESTION-QUESTION.

>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?

>> HOW ARE YOU.

>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU ASK?

>> WELL, I JUST-- WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME WHY I ASK?

>> Stephen: ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE NOT ASKING

QUESTIONS, DICK?

>> ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE AT ALL NOT ASKING... WE COULD GO ON

UNTIL THE WHOLE PLACE IS EMPTY.

BUT, ANYWAY...

>> Stephen: I'VE HAD THE GOOD LUCK OF KNOWING YOU FOR A FEW

YEARS NOW, BACK FROM THE OLD SHOW.

WE GET TOGETHER EVERY SO OFTEN AND HAVE A COCKTAIL.

>> WE GO TOGETHER, WE HAVE A MILD DRINK.

>> Stephen: A MILD DRINK.

YOU USUALLY HAVE AN ORANGE JUICE AND COMPARE.

>> WHAT A MEMORY!

AND YOU HAVE A PINK LADY.

OH NO!

OH, MY GOD!

( APPLAUSE ) WOW!

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK IT, BUT IN CASE YOU NEED A

REFRESHMENT, THERE'S AN ORANGE JUICE AND COMPARE?

>> OH, THAT IS GOOD.

>> Stephen: IT IS.

>> YOU KNOW WHO DRINKS THAT?

>> Stephen: WHO DRINKS THAT?

>> MARLA BONANDO.

>> Stephen: NOT ANYMORE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU LEARNED HOW TO DRINK THAT FROM BRANDO?

>> YOU KNOW THE ACTOR?

>> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR, I'M FAMILIAR, YEAH.

HE WAS IN SUPERMAN.

WHY DID HE RECOMMEND THAT?

WHAT WAS THE RECOMMENDATION BEHIND THIS COCKTAIL?

>> I SAID I'D HAVE SCOTCH.

AND HE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU DRINK COMPARE AND ORANGE JUICE."

HE TALKS FUNNY.

>> Stephen: I KNOW.

>> I TASTED IT, AND THEN HE INTRODUCED ME TO A MEMBER--

BELIEVE IT OR NOT-- OF THE COMPARE FAMILY FROM ITALY.

HE HAS A CONNECTION THERE.

YOU KNOW MY ANAGRAM WHERE I REARRANGE WORDS.

>> Stephen: I HEARD ABOUT THIS THAT YOU AUTOMATICALLY START

REARRANGING WORDS, THEIR NAME.

>> TELL ME IF THIS IS A CLOSE SHAVE OR NOT.

YOU'RE MR. COMPARE.

AND I SAID, "HELLO, MR. COMPARE."

AND MY MIND REARRANGED HIS NAME AND IT'S, "AM I CRAP?"

>> Stephen: YOU KEPT THAT TO YOURSELF, I HOPE?

YOU KEPT THAT TO YOURSELF?

>> I SUPPRESSED IT, YEAH, CHECK IT OUT.

>> Stephen: NOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU HAD A TALK SHOW.

YOU HAD MORE THAN ONE TALK SHOW.

I WATCHED ALL OF THEM.

I DID.

>> MY GOD.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, PEOPLE ASK ME

WHO MY INFLUENCES ARE, AND OF COURSE JOHNNY AND OF COURSE

DAVE.

BUT THE ONE THAT PEOPLE DON'T AUTOMATICALLY KNOW IS WHAT A

HUGE INFLUENCE YOU WERE ON ME.

BECAUSE I LOVED WATCHING-- THE WAY YOU INTERVIEWED PEOPLE IT

WAS SO HONEST.

YOU-- YOU HAD SUCH INTERESTING GUESTS, UNUSUAL GUESTS AT TIMES,

AND ASKED SUCH INTERESTING AND KIND OF DEEP QUESTIONS.

DO YOU-- DO YOU SEE YOURSELF AS DIFFERENTIATING YOURSELF FROM

THE OTHER GUYS THAT WAY?

>> WELL, THAT'S TOUCHING, BY THE WAY.

CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M TOUCHED BY HEARING THIS?

YEAH.

COULD THIS BE WHERE I'M FREQUENTLY MISTAKEN FOR YOU ON

THE STREET?

>> Stephen: YES.

( LAUGHTER ) FOR THAT REASON, AND BECAUSE I

DON'T MOISTURIZE.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW YOU HAD YOUR OWN SHOW.

AND I THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO WENT UP AGAINST

JOHNNY CARSON IN COMPETITION, WHO JOHNNY STILL LIKED.

>> THIS IS TRUE.

PEOPLE SAID-- ( LAUGHTER )

"YOU MAY BE FROM NEBRASKA TOGETHER, BUT THIS ISN'T GOING

TO CEMENT YOUR FRIENDSHIP, THAT YOU'RE GOING OPPOSITE HIM."

AND I SAID, "NOBODY'S GOING TO DREAM OF MY KNOCKING JOHNNY

CARSON OFF THE THRONE."

AND GUESS WHAT, I NEVER DID.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE REMAINED FRIENDS.

WE TALKED ABOUT OLD THINGS, NEBRASKA MEMORIES AND THINGS.

AND SOMETIMES, WHEN I STARTED, AS YOU KNOW, TO START A

90-MINUTE SHOW OR LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW, OR WHATEVER, YOU

REALIZE I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

>> Stephen: NO, THERE'S NO PREPARING TO BE ON THE SHOW BY

YOURSELF AND HAVE YOUR NAME UP FRONT.

>> I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING THAT WOULD-- I DID SOME DUMB

THINGS AT FIRST.

I-- I REALLY WAS SCARED.

I WOKE UP, AND I THOUGHT THIS IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE I'M

RESPONSIBLE FOR A TELEVISION SHOW THAT'S AD LIB.

I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHO'S ON TODAY.

SOMEHOW I GOT THROUGH IT.

BUT WILL YOUR STAFF EVER CORRECT YOU OR SAY, "HERE'S SOMETHING

YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF?"

>> Stephen: IF I DID ANYTHING WRONG, THEY WOULD, I'M SURE.

( LAUGHTER ) I'VE TOLD THEM, "CORRECT ME IF I

EVER MAKE A MISTAKE," AND I'M WAITING.

I'M SURE ANY MOMENT, ANY MOMENT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> START BRACING YOURSELF NOW.

>> Stephen: NO, SURE, YOU HAVE TO HAVE PEOPLE AROUND YOU THAT

TELL YOU YOU'RE DOING A-- YOU'RE TERRIBLE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> A FRIEND-- A FRIEND WILL TELL YOU THIS.

ACTUALLY, ONE WOMAN ON MY STAFF SAID, "DICK, I DON'T KNOW IF I

SHOULD SAY THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE THE STAR, YOU HAVE A KIND OF A

BAD HABIT.

WHEN A GUEST IS TALKING, YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEEM TO BE

LISTENING."

( LAUGHTER ) AND SHE WAS RIGHT.

I REMEMBER-- ( LAUGHTER )

SOMEBODY WOULD BE RATTLING ON, AND I WOULD SAY-- WATCHING THE

GUEST THE WAY YOU PEER AT ME NOW, AND I WOULD THINK, "THIS

PERSON'S LIPS HAVE STOPPED MOVING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, GOD."

AND SHE SAID THE OTHER BAD HABIT YOU HAVE, I'M AFRAID, IS THAT

YOU DON'T SEEM TO LISTEN IN ANOTHER SENSE, THEY SAY

SOMETHING, AND THEN YOU SAYING IN SMG THAT HAS NO CONNECTION TO

IT."

BECAUSE I WAS JUST SCARED TO LOOK UP FROM MY NOTES-- NUMBER

ONE, NUMBER TWO, NUMBER THREE.

IT WOULD-- ( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I'M SORRY--

>> WE CAN NOW CUT THAT OUT.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE'S BREAK, DICK.

DON'T GO ANYWHERE BECAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. DICK

CAVETT, EVERYBODY.

STICK AROUND.