SCULPTING MY MAJOR NEWS MUSCLES, BLASTING MY TOPICAL PECS AND

QUADS, BULKING AND CUTTING THE STORIES OF THE DAY INTO THE

SINEWY, HERCULEAN PHYSIQUE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO SCAN MY KEYCARD, PUTTER AROUND

LOOKING AT MY PHONE FOR A WHILE, DO FIVE MINUTES OF HALF-ASSED

CARDIO, ALL SO I CAN JUSTIFY THE CHOCOLATE PEANUT-BUSTER PROTEIN

SHAKE THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S HOT COFFEE, MAN!

MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE IS A HOT CUP OF COFFEE FOR AMERICA.

MEANWHILE, "PRINCE ANDREW REPORTEDLY LET A SUPERMODEL

SIT ON THE QUEEN'S THRONE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE," THEN "THE

SUPERMODEL SPOTTED A BOWL SHE LIKED AND ASKED ANDREW IF SHE

COULD STEAL IT AND MAIL IT TO HER MOM.

SHE CLAIMS THAT HE LET HER, AND HER MOM LOVED IT!"

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR:

THIS IS ALL FROM SOME "UNNAMED SOURCE," AND IT'S NOT

CORROBORATED AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN AT FACE VALUE, BUT HE

DEFINITELY DID IT.

( LAUGHTER ) THE SUPERMODEL IN QUESTION WAS A

CERTAIN CAPRICE BOURRET, WHICH "MADE PRINCE HARRY, WHO WAS THEN

JUST A 16-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLBOY, JEALOUS BECAUSE HE 'HAD

CAPRICE'S CALENDAR ON HIS BEDROOM WALL.'"

ANDREW HAS NOW BECOME A CARICATURE OF THE IRRESPONSIBLE

UNCLE.

"HEY, CHECK IT OUT, KID.

I'VE GOT THE GIRL FROM YOUR WALL.

I'M GONNA HAVE HER PUT HER SEXY BUTT ON YOUR GRANDMA'S CHAIR.

BY THE WAY, YOU GOT ANY WEED?

I LOST MINE BREAKING UP A COCKFIGHT."

MEANWHILE, A FASHION DESIGNER WENT VIRAL THIS WEEK WHEN HE

UNVEILED HIS NEW LINE OF INFLATABLE PANTS.

JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED: A PAIR OF LEATHER PANTS THAT LOOK

LIKE I PUT THEM ON, COULDN'T GET THEM OFF, AND THEN PEED IN THEM

FOR DAYS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THAT'S A REALLY GOOD LOOK.

THAT'S A REALLY GOOD LOOK.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THE PANTS FIT SNUGLY AT THE WAIST, BUT THEN

BALLOON OUT TO DOUBLE THE WIDTH OF THE WEARER AROUND THE THIGHS.

PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO TAKE THEIR MANSPREADING TO THE

NEXT LEVEL.

( LAUGHTER ) THE PANTS' DESIGNER EXPLAINED

WHY HE FELT THE NEED TO DESIGN THESE, SAYING, "I SEE THE SAME

IMAGES AND SIMILAR PROPORTIONS EVERYWHERE."

YEAH, IT'S ALMOST LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR CLOTHES ARE THE SAME

SPECIES.

"I SEE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE PUTTING SHIRTS ON THEIR 'TORSOS.'

THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE FACE SHIRT."

MEANWHILE, DOCTORS ARE NOW WARNING THE PUBLIC THAT "PUTTING

POTATOES UP YOUR BUTT WON'T CURE HEMORRHOIDS."

( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, IF IT'S A BAG OF

FROZEN TATER TOTS, IT WILL SPEED UP THE DEFROSTING PROCESS.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- THAT SOUNDS REFRESHING,

ABSOLUTELY.

THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY REFRESH BE.

>> Jon: YES, I CAN'T DO IT.

>> Stephen: NOW, WHEN WARNINGS LIKE THESE ARE GIVEN, IT'S

TEMPTING TO DISMISS THEM AS STUPID AND UNNECESSARY, WHICH IS

WHY I'D LIKE TO ISSUE THIS "LATE SHOW" PUBLIC SERVICE

ANNOUNCEMENT: REMEMBER: IF THERE'S A WARNING,

IT MEANS SOMEONE DID IT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, THE WORLD OF INDOOR

SUCCULENT-FANCIERS WAS ROCKED WHEN A "DEVASTATED WOMAN

DISCOVERED THE PLANT SHE'D BEEN WATERING FOR TWO YEARS WAS FAKE"

AND JUST PLASTIC "ATTACHED TO A BLOCK OF FOAM, AND DECORATED

WITH SAND, WHICH WAS GLUED ON TOP."

AND SHE SAYS, "I FEEL LIKE THESE LAST TWO YEARS HAVE BEEN A

LIE."

( LAUGHTER ) THANKFULLY, IN THIS TRYING TIME,

SHE HAS THE SUPPORT OF HER LOVING HUSBAND.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, 38% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY

WOULDN'T BUY CORONA BEER "UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES" BECAUSE OF

THE CORONAVIRUS, WHILE THE OTHER 62% WOULDN'T BUY IT BECAUSE IT'S

CORONA BEER.

( LAUGHTER ) OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, THOSE

PEOPLE ARE MISINFORMED.

STILL, CORONA REALLY WANTS TO STEER CLEAR OF SAYING ANYTHING

THAT ASSOCIATES THEIR PRODUCT WITH AN IMPENDING THREAT FROM

OVERSEAS.

SO THEY PUT OUT THIS ACTUAL AD FOR THEIR HARD SELTZER:

>> Stephen: YEAH.

"COMING ASHORE SOON."

A LITTLE TONE DEAF.

STILL BETTER THAN THEIR ORIGINAL AD.

JIM?

>> INTRODUCING CORONA HARD SETTLER, THE SICKEST DRINK OUT

THERE.

YOUR FRIENDS MIGHT ALREADY HAVE IT.

YOU CAN'T TELL JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM.

CORONA HARD SETTLER: YOU'VE BEEN EXPOSED.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK