WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

THANK YOU.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL IN A GOOD MOOD BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT

PANICKING.

( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE THESE BURNED.

THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED THEM.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICKING.

NAMELY, WALL STREET.

IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS,

BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO

REASSURE INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT BOUNCED BACK-- BY PLUNGING

ALMOST 1,200 POINTS, THE LARGEST SINGLE DAY DROP IN HISTORY.

THAT MUST BE SO HARD FOR THE GUYS ON WALL STREET.

IF ONLY THEY HAD ACCESS TO SOME SORT OF DRUG THAT WOULD MAKE

THEM FEEL BETTER.

( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY

COULD START A BAND!

( LAUGHTER ) SEE THERE'S A NEW CASE IN THE

UNITED STATES, AND THIS PERSON TID NOT APPEAR TO HAVE TRAVELED

TO COUNTRIES HIT BY THE VIRUS OR BEEN EXPOSED TO A KNOWN

CORONAVIRUS PATIENT.

OKAY.

WELL.

GOOD TO KNOW.

EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A MOMENT.

(RINGS BELL) PLAGUE!

PLAGUE!

A RIGHTEOUS CLEANSING TO PUNISH MAN FOR HIS VANITY AND LUST!

SWING YOUR SCYTHE, OH ANGRY GOD!

REPENT!

REPENT!

REPENT!

REPENT!

( LAUGHTER ) WHERE WAS I?

YEAH, THE CALIFORNIA CASE IS OFFICIALLY AMERICA'S FIRST

INSTANCE OF COMMUNITY TRANSMISSION, WHICH MEANS THERE

IS A GOOD CHANCE THERE ALREADY ARE PEOPLE INFECTED IN THIS

COUNTRY AND THAT THE VIRUS IS CIRCULATING UNDETECTED.

SO, YOU ONLY NEED TO BE CONCERNED IF YOU'RE IN THIS

COUNTRY, AND PEOPLE.

( LAUGHTER ) THERE MIGHT BE A LOT MORE PEOPLE

INFECTED THAN WE KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE ON TRIAL RUNS IN SOME

STATES, THE C.D.C.'S CORONAVIRUS TESTING KITS

PRODUCED RESULTS THAT WERE "INCONCLUSIVE."

INCONCLUSIVE IS NOT GOOD FOR A TEST THIS IMPORTANT!

THAT'S WHY, WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO FIND OUT IF THEY'RE PREGNANT,

THEY DON'T PEE ON A MAGIC 8 BALL!

( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE, IT SAYS, UH -- IT

SAYS, UH -- HONEY, IT SAYS -- HONEY, IT SAYS

"PEE AGAIN LATER."

( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

OF COURSE, DURING ANY HEALTH SCARE, IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAY

AWAY FROM DANGEROUS TRANSMISSION VECTORS-- MAINLY THE INTERNET,

WHICH IS FULL OF FAKE CURES FOR CORONAVIRUS.

ONE RUMOR CLAIMS THAT BOILED GARLIC CAN CURE THE VIRUS.

ANOTHER SUGGESTS THAT YOU "DRINK BLEACH."

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS,

BUT, DON'T DRINK BLEACH.

( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?

IT'S BAD FOR YOU, AND IT RUINS THE TASTE OF THE TIDEPODS.

( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT, AT HIS PRESS

CONFERENCE, TRUMP SAID HE DOESN'T THINK THE STOCK MARKET

DEATH SPIRAL HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CORONAVIRUS.

>> I THINK THE FINANCIAL MARKETS ARE VERY UPSET WHEN THEY LOOK AT

THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES STANDING ON THE STAGE MAKING

FOOLS OUT OF THEMSELVES.

>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "YES, AND THE DARK AGES WERE NOT

IN ANY WAY AFFECTED BY THE BLACK DEATH.

VASSALS WERE JUST UPSET THAT EDWARD III WAS A SOCIALIST.

LEECH-CARE FOR ALL?

WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT?

THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR?

COME ON."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE WORDS I JUST SAID.

."

TRUMP'S BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT LAST NIGHT WAS THAT THE

CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE EFFORT WILL BE SPEARHEADED BY VICE PRESIDENT

AND MAN WATCHING HIS WIFE FLIRT WITH THE BALLOON ANIMAL MAKER,

MIKE PENCE.

( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS THE GREATEST CRISIS OF

TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY, AND HIS FIRST RESPONSE IS, "MIKE, YOU'RE

UP."

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S JUST LIKE THAT FAMOUS QUOTE

ON HARRY TRUMAN'S DESK: "THE BUCK'S IN MIKE PENCE'S OFFICE!"

( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE VICE PRESIDENT DOES HAVE

EXPERIENCE WITH OUTBREAKS.

SPECIFICALLY, MAKING THEM WORSE.

BECAUSE, WHEN HE WAS THE GOVERNOR OF INDIANA, PENCE'S

REFUSAL TO IMPLEMENT A NEEDLE EXCHANGE PROGRAM LED TO THE

WORST H.I.V. OUTBREAK IN THE STATE'S HISTORY.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

"IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, WELCOME TO THE TRUMP

ADMINISTRATION."

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) THE POINT OF THAT PRESS

CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH.

AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, "OFFICIALS AT TRUMP'S

CORONAVIRUS BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF

CRITICISM OF TRUMP."

( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, AND THAT IS VERY

CONTAGIOUS.

EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT.

I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

>> Jon: EVERYBODY I KNOW HAS IT RIGHT NOW.

>> Stephen: AND THIS DESIRE TO PREVENT ANY

CRITICISM IS WHAT MAKES THIS NEXT DETAIL SO DISTURBING.

FROM NOW ON, MIKE PENCE WILL CONTROL ALL CORONAVIRUS

MESSAGING FROM HEALTH OFFICIALS.

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND HIS FIRST ORDER IS RENAMING

THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, "PRAY AWAY THE PLAGUE."

( LAUGHTER ) PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT

FOR HIM.

ALL OVER THE WORLD, CORONAVIRUS IS HAVING A HUGE IMPACT ON DAILY

LIFE.

HERE IN THE U.S., A GROWING LIST OF COLLEGES ARE CANCELING OR

REROUTING STUDY-ABROAD PROGRAMS BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

(AS PARENT) "SORRY, DEVIN.

I KNOW YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT ITALY, BUT YOU CAN STUDY ART

HISTORY RIGHT HERE AT THE MALL.

YOU KNOW, AT SPENCERS, THEY HAVE POSTERS WHERE IF YOU GET REAL

CLOSE AND RELAX YOUR EYES, YOU CAN SEE A SAILBOAT!

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU'RE

CRYING."

( LAUGHTER ) DEVIN IS SO UPSET HE'S CRYING IN

THIS REENACTMENT.

( LAUGHTER ) CORONAVIRUS IS EVEN DISRUPTING

HOW PEOPLE EAT.

RESTAURANTS IN CHINA ARE GOING TO EXTREME MEASURES TO PROTECT

CUSTOMERS.

>> YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE NEW NORMAL FOR MANY FAST FOOD

RESTAURANTS IN CHINA.

CUSTOMERS ENTERING THIS KFC PASSING THROUGH THE NOW-STANDARD

TEMPERATURE CHECKS.

WALKING UP TO A GIANT SCREEN, THEY EITHER TRANSFER THEIR ORDER

FROM THEIR SMARTPHONES, THUS AVOIDING TOUCHING THE SURFACE,

OR THEY TYPE IT IN.

AS SOON AS THEY STEP AWAY, AN EMPLOYEE SWOOPS IN TO DISINFECT.

>> STEPHEN: I'VE GOT TO SAY, IF YOU'RE THAT CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR

HEALTH, WHY ARE YOU EATING AT KFC?

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SO GOOD.

>> Jon: WHAT ABOUT POPEYES?

>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF, BEFORE

DRIVING INTO THE CANYON, THELMA AND LOUISE HAD SAID, "OH-OH,

SEATBELTS!" ( LAUGHTER )

THESE STRICT NEW PRECAUTIONS EXTEND TO TAKE OUT FOOD AS WELL.

>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS HERE.

THEY LEAVE IT THERE.

HE TELLS ME I CAN...

I MOVE IN, PICK UP THE FOOD AND HEAD HOME TO EAT.

AND AS SOON AS YOU GET YOUR FOOD, YOU'LL NOTICE ON TOP OF

THE RECEIPT IS THIS LITTLE CARD.

IT HAS TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF READINGS ON IT.

THE TEMPERATURE READING OF THE PERSON WHO PREPARED YOUR FOOD,

ALONG WITH THEIR NAME, AND THE NAME AND TEMPERATURE READING OF

THE PERSON WHO DELIVERED YOUR FOOD.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A LITTLE INVASIVE.

"OKAY, I'LL GET A MEDIUM PIE, HALF PEPPERONI, HALF GREEN

PEPPER, A TWO LITER OF COKE AND BOTH THE ORAL AND RECTAL

TEMPERATURES OF EVERYONE IN YOUR KITCHEN.

THANKS!

OOH!

GARLIC KNOTS."

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!

>> Stephen: PROCTOR AND GAMBLE SAYS PRODUCTS CAN BE AFFECTED.

GET READY TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH A HYGIENE PRODUCT STILL

MADE IN AMERICA.

JACK DANIELS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT WILL TAKE THE

ENAMEL RIGHT OFF YOUR TEETH.

SOME CHINESE INGREDIENTS AFFECT EVEN THE MOST AMERICAN OF

PRODUCTS.

"COCA-COLA COULD BE IN TIGHT SUPPLY OF ARTIFICIAL SWEETENER

FOR DIET AND ZERO-SUGAR DRINKS BECAUSE OF CORONAVIRUS."

BUT DIET COKE IS ALREADY ADJUSTING THEIR RECIPE TO

COMPENSATE FOR THEIR LACK OF SWEETENER WITH THIS NEW PRODUCT:

>> WE ALL LOVE THE REFRESHING TASTE OF DIET COKE, BUT THE

CORONAVIRUS CUT OFF OUR SUPPLY OF SWEETENER.

SO INTRODUCING NEW DIET SOAK SAVORY.

IT'S ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT DIET COKE MINUS THAT SUGAR

RIFLAVOR, BECAUSE WE REPLACE THE SWEETENER WITH BEEF BULLION.

IT MAY TASTE DIFFERENT BUT IT'S STILL BUBBLY, STILL BROWN.

IT'S THE ONLY DIET SOFT DRINK THAT WILL MAKE YOU SAY, OOOH,

MOMMY!

SO LET THE EXPERTS WORRY ABOUT THE PANDEMIC AND KICK BACK WITH

A COLD, SALTY, DIET COKE.

DIET COKE SAVORY.

IT'S DIET BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANT TO DRINK IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT

SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN TURTURRO IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )