I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

WITH ALL THE NEWS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS, I HOPE EVERYONE'S

DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO STAY SAFE.

IF YOU NEED INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO STAY HEALTHY, DON'T ASK

DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT THE

PRESIDENT'S APPROACH TO WELLNESS FROM FORMER WHITE HOUSE

PHYSICIAN AND MAN DESCRIBING THE SIZE OF TRUMP'S HOAGIE

( LAUGHTER ) RONNY JACKSON.

DR. RONNY IS EVIDENTLY RUNNING FOR CONGRESS DOWN IN TEXAS,

AND IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, HE SAID ONE OF HIS BIGGEST REGRETS

WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO ESTABLISH THE DIET AND EXERCISE REGIMEN HE

HAD PLANNED FOR TRUMP.

REALLY?

THAT'S THE THING HE REGRETS?

( LAUGHTER ) NOT BEING ABUSIVE TO HIS

COLLEAGUES OR LOOSELY HANDLING PRESCRIPTION PAIN MEDICATIONS,

OR THAT ONE TIME HE WRECKED A GOVERNMENT VEHICLE WHILE DRUNK.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S QUALIFIED FOR CONGRESS, BUT HE'S

DEFINITELY QUALIFIED FOR THE SUPREME COURT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW, JACKSON SAYS-- NOW, JACKSON DID HAVE ONE STRATEGY TO KEEP

TRUMP HEALTHY.

APPARENTLY HE HID VEGGIES IN TRUMP'S MASHED POTATOES BECAUSE

NOTHING MAKES A PARANOID TYRANT FEEL SECURE LIKE HIDING STUFF IN

HIS FOOD.

( AS TRUMP ) "JARED, I NEED YOU TO BE MY

TASTER.

I THINK SOMEONE'S TRYING TO POISON ME WITH NUTRIENTS."

CHECK YOUR CALENDARS: IT'S FEBRUARY 28, WHICH MEANS JUST

ONE MORE SHOPPING DAY IN BLACK HISTORY MONTH.

TO CELEBRATE, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WILL BE OPENING 15 COMMUNITY

CENTERS TO REACH BLACK VOTERS.

IT'S RUN BY A GROUP CALLED "BLACK VOICES FOR TRUMP," WHICH

SOUNDS SURPRISING, BECAUSE TRUMP HS A LOT OF AFRICAN AMERICAN

SUPPORT.

FOR INSTANCE, THERE'S THIS GUY, THE SAME GUY AT ANOTHER RALLY,

AND THE SAME GUY AGAIN, ALL IN DIFFERENT CITIES!

IT'S LIKE A "WHERE'S WALDO," EXCEPT MUCH EASIER TO PICK OUT

OF A CROWD.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW, THIS WEEK-- ( CHEERS )

THIS WEEK, THE CAMPAIGN LAUNCHED A PROTOTYPE OF ONE OF THE

COMMUNITY CENTERS, AND HERE IT IS.

IT'S JUST STUFF ON A TABLE, LIKE A T-SHIRT THAT JUST SAYS "WOKE."

"WOKE"?

AT THIS POINT, THAT'S GETTING A LITTLE DATED.

NOT AS BAD AS THEIR OTHER BLACK OUTREACH T-SHIRT: DY-NO-MITE.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP CLEARLY NEEDS TO DO

SOMETHING, SINCE "MORE THAN EIGHT IN TEN BLACK AMERICANS SAY

THEY BELIEVE TRUMP IS A RACIST."

THE OTHER TWO ARE BEN CARSON AND KANYE WEST.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

DEMOCRATS-- DEMOCRATS ARE DEALING WITH THEIR

OWN CONTROVERSY-- SPECIFICALLY, SENATE MINORITY LEADER,

CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HIS JAZZ ALBUM, "THE

SULTRY SENATE."

APPARENTLY, THE "NEW YORK POST" LOOKED INTO SCHUMER'S F.E.C.

FILINGS AND FOUND THE SHOCKING NEWS THAT HE HAS SPENT $8,600 ON

CHEESECAKES IN THE PAST DECADE.

NOW, AS SCANDALS GO, THIS ONE IS PRETTY MILD.

AND VERY CREAMY.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT SENATOR SCHUMER STILL

ADDRESSED IT AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK.

>> I GIVE THEM AS GIFTS.

I USE THEM AS BETS.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM, CHUCK SCHUMER BETS WITH

CHEESECAKES.

US I HAD ROLLERS KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY COMMON.

WHO COULD FORGET THIS CLASSIC SCENE FROM "CASINO ROYALE?"

>> RAISE.

>> RAISE.

( APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

>> $14,500,000.

>> WHOA!

THAT'S A LOT OF CHEESECAKE.

>> Stephen: FEARS-- FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS-- I DON'T REMEMBER

THAT LAST.

GUY.

I REMEMBER EVERYTHING BUT THAT LAST GUY.

FEARS OF CORONAVIRUS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND TRUMP HAS BEEN

ENCOURAGING GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES TO STAY HOME-- BY

FIRING THEM FOR DISLOYALTY.

IN FACT, IN THE WAKE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT ACQUITTAL, THE WHITE

HOUSE HAS CREATED LISTS OF DISLOYAL OFFICIALS.

( AS TRUMP ) ♪ I'M MAKIN' A LIST

CHECKIN' IT TWICE GONNA FIRE YOU THEN EAT

A CAKE SLICE ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) SO TO HANDLE THE LIST--

♪ SCHUMER SENT ME CHEESECAKE TODAY ♪

SO TO HANDLE THE LIST, TRUMP RECENTLY PROMOTED HIS PERSONAL

AIDE, JOHN McENTEE, AND INSTRUCTED HIM TO PURGE THE

EXECUTIVE BRANCH OF ANYONE NOT LOYAL TO TRUMP.

A PURGE!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE SOVIET UNION.

INSTEAD OF RED SQUARE, IT'S ORANGE BLOB.

( LAUGHTER ) TO HELP HIM PURGE THE DISLOYAL,

"McENTEE PROMPTLY HIRED JAMES BACON, A 23-YEAR-OLD COLLEGE

SENIOR."

( AS TRUMP ) "YOU HAD ME AT BACON."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW-- >> Jon: WOW!

>> Stephen: A COLLEGE SENIOR!

CLEARLY, AS LONG AS YOU'RE BLINDLY LOYAL, TRUMP DOESN'T

CARE ABOUT AGE OR EXPERIENCE.

HERE TO TELL US MORE ABOUT THE ADMINISTRATION'S NEW HIRING

AND FIRING POLICY IS WHITE HOUSE MANAGEMENT DIRECTOR, KAYLA

McKENZIE.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: SO, KAYLA-- >> DIRECTOR McKENZIE.

>> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.

DIRECTOR McKENZIE, WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THERE AT THE

WHITE HOUSE?

>> MY JOB IS TO CULL THE WEAK, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

>> HOW DARE YOU ASK A WOMAN HER AGE.

WHAT ELSE TO EXPECT FROM FAKE NEWS CBS.

YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE NEVER-TRUMPERS.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

TYRA BANKS IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR REAL NEWS ANCHOR GOES TO SOUTH

CAROLINA TO SEE WHAT VOTERS REALLY THINK.

STY WITH US.