I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

THE BIG STORY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M GLAD TO HEAR THESE PEOPLE ALL SOUND HEALTHY AND HAPPY,

BECAUSE THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE THE LOOMING THREAT OF THE

CORONAVIRUS.

FOR LENT, I AM GIVING UP LICKING DOORKNOBS.

NOW, CONCERNS OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC ARE GROWING, BUT FEAR

NOT-- THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE HAS A SOLEMN DUTY TO PROTECT

HIMSELF, BECAUSE THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS AFRAID THAT THE

CORONAVIRUS WILL HURT HIS RE-ELECTION BID.

I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT TRANSCRIPT BEING RELEASED.

( AS TRUMP ) "HELLO, UKRAINE?

I NEED INFORMATION ON A 'HUNTER' CORONAVIRUS."

( LAUGHTER ) SO YESTERDAY, TRUMP TRIED TO

REASSURE US.

>> THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?

REALLY?

>> Jon: YE, REALLY NICE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S VERY COMFORTING.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

( AS PILOT ) "AH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN

SPEAKING.

WE ARE BEGINNING OUR FINAL DESCENT INTO CHICAGO'S

O'HARE AIRPORT.

PUT YOUR TRAY TABLES UP, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A SOLID CHANCE OF

LANDING THIS SUCKER.

I SAY, ODDS ARE 60-40 WE WALK AWAY FROM THIS."

TRUMP KNOWS WHO'S TO BLAME FOR WHAT HE SEES AS UNNECESSARY

PANIC: "LOW RATINGS FAKE NEWS MSDNC, COMCAST, AND CNN ARE

DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO MAKE THE CARE-ONAVIRUS LOOK AS

BAD AS POSSIBLE."

( AS TRUMP ) "THE CARE-ONAVIRUS IS TOTALLY

CONTAINED.

IT WILL NOT BECOME A PAM-DAME-IC, LIKE SMALL PAX, THE

SWANE FLU, OR SEARS."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHY IS HE BLAMING THE MEDIA

FOR A DISEASE?

WELL, HERE'S THE THING, THE STOCK MARKET FELL ALMOST 2,000

POINTS IN TWO DAYS AND WAS DOWN AGAIN TODAY.

SO TO QUELL THE PANIC ON THE STREET, TRUMP DISPATCHED WHITE

HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISER AND-- OH, MY GOD.

HE'S GOT THE VIRUS!

( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY, THAT'S JUST WHAT HE

LOOKS LIKE.

LARRY KUDLOW.

KUDLOW WENT ON THE TV YESTERDAY AND HE SAID THESE WORDS:

>> WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.

WE HAVE CONTAINED THIS.

I WON'T SAY AIRTIGHT, BUT PRETTY CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT.

>> Stephen: OH, GOOD, OH, GOOD.

BECAUSE ALL YOU NEED TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF A VIRUS IS "PRETTY

CLOSE TO AIRTIGHT."

I MEAN, WE ALL WATCHED "THE HOT ZONE":

>> HOLE! HOLE! HOLE!

IT'S STILL PRETTY CLOSE TOW AIRTIGHT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ANOTHER I DON'T

KNOW HOW THAT SHOW ENDS.

ANOTHER TRUMP GUY TRYING TO PUT THE NATION AT EASE IS ACTING

HOMELAND SECURITY SECRETARY AND MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HIS NAME IS

CHAD WOLF.

CHAD WOLF.

YESTERDAY, IN HIS SENATE TESTIMONY, THE WOLF GOT NEUTERED

BY REPUBLICAN JOHN KENNEDY ABOUT THE PERCENTAGE OF CORONAVIRUS

MORTALITY RATES.

>> IT'S BETWEEN WOEN.5 AND 2%.

>> OKAY, WHAT'S THE MORTALITY RATE FOR INFLUENZA OVER THE

LAST, SAY, TEN YEARS?

>> IT'S ALSO RIGHT AROUND THAT PERCENTAGE AS WELL.

I DON'T HAVE THAT OFFHAND, BUT IT'S AROUND 2% AS WELL.

>> YOU SURE OF THAT?

>> IT'S A LITTLE-- YES SIR.

>> Stephen: JUDGES?

("PRICE IS RIGHT" LOSING TROMBONE SOUNDS)

CHAD, I'M SORRY.

THE MORTALITY RATE FOR THE FLU IS ACTUALLY AROUND 0.1%.

SO HE WAS ONLY OFF BY 2000%.

HE WOULD BE A TERRIBLE PHARMACIST.

( AS PHARMACIST ) "OKAY, HERE'S YOUR PRESCRIPTION.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO TAKE 200 PILLS EVERY FOUR MINUTES WITH A

MEAL."

LOUVRE LAUGH NOW, FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS LED

MANY TO WEAR MASKS IN THE UNITED STATES, AND THE C.D.C. HAS

RELEASED THIS ACTUAL GRAPHIC, DETAILING WHICH STYLES OF FACIAL

HAIR ARE BEST FOR WEARING RESPIRATOR MASKS AND WHICH ONES

DO NOT WORK.

OH, GOD, ALL OF BROOKLYN IS DEAD.

LOUVRE LAUGH THIGH WILL BE MISSED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY WILL BE MISSED.

OF COURSE, THE STYLE THAT GIVES THE MASK THE BEST SEAL IS

CLEAN-SHAVEN, BUT OTHER SAFE STYLES INCLUDE ZORRO, WALRUS,

AND, BEST OF ALL, SOUL PATCH.

SO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR CONTINUED HEALTH SMASH MOUTH!

♪ SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME MY BEARD WAS GONNA SAVE ME

♪ I'M PRETTY COOL THAT I'M NOT DEAD ♪

NOTICE WE'RE ALL-- THAT'S ALL THERE IS, THAT'S ALL THERE IS OF

THAT SONG.

WE'RE ALL STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST NIGHT'S DEMOCRATIC DEBATE,

WHERE ALL THE CANDIDATES ADOPTED BERNIE'S PLAN OF YELLING ABOUT

BERNIE'S PLANS.

LOUVER LAUGH I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE

CAMPAIGN IN TONIGHT'S: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

>> I BEAT TRUMP.

>> THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS THAT I'M BORING.

>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHERS' THROATS.

>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

>> I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.

>> BING-BING, BOANG-BONG.

>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020."

>> Stephen: TODAY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

PEOPLE LOVE-- PEOPLE LOVE "THE FURY ROAD."

TODAY, DONALD TRUMP JUMPED IN WITH HIS OWN REVIEW OF THE

DEBATE: "CRAZY, CHAOTIC DEMOCRAT DEBATE

LAST NIGHT.

FAKE NEWS SAID BIDEN DID WELL, EVEN THOUGH HE SAID HALF OF OUR

POPULATION WAS SHOT TO DEATH.

WOULD BE OVER FOR MOST.

MINI-MIKE WAS WEAK AND UNSTEADY, BUT HELPED GREATLY BY HIS

MANY COMMERCIALS, WHICH ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ALLOWED-- DOT,

DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT-- DURING A DEBATE.

POCAHONTAS WAS MEAN AND UNDISCIPLINED, MOSTLY AIMING AT

CRAZY BERNIE AND MINI-MIKE.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HER, BUT I KNOW SHE IS A

"CHOCKER."

( LAUGHTER ) "CHOKE.

>> Stephen: "CHOKER."

I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO SPELL "CHOKER" BUT FAILED TO PERFORM

THE CRUCIAL TASK AT THE KEY MOMENT WHEN EVERYTHING WAS ON

THE LINE.

NOW, ONE CANDIDATE WHO'S WORKING HARD-- TOOK A SECOND BUT THUMP.

ONE CANDIDATE WHO'S WORKING HARD TO RECAPTURE THE LEAD IS FORMER

VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO BREAKS ALL THE HEARTS ON BINGO

NIGHT, JOE BIDEN.

( LAUGHTER ) JOE HAS BEEN HITTING THE TRAIL

HARD IN RECENT WEEKS, AND HE'S BEEN REPEATING THIS STORY ABOUT

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE TRIED TO VISIT NELSON MANDELA IN PRISON.

>> I CAME BACK FROM SOUTH AFRICA TRYING TO SEE NELSON MANDELA AND

GETTING ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO SEE HIM ON ROBBIN'S ISLAND.

I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF MEETING HIM.

I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF BEING ARRESTED WITH OUR U.N.

AMBASSADOR TRYING TO GET TO SEE HIM IN ROBBINS ISLAND.

>> Stephen: THAT'SOON INCREDIBLY MOVING STORY.

THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE IT EVEN MORE MOVING IS IS IF IT

HAPPENED.

BECAUSE, TURNS OUT, HE WAS NOT ARRESTED.

IN FACT, HIS CAMPAIGN HAS ADMITTED THAT, NO, HE DID NOT

WHILE HE WAS A CONGRESSIONALLAL TRIP IN THE 1970s, BIDEN WAS

NOTE ARRESTED BUT HE WAS SEPARATED FROM HIS PARTY AT THE

AIRPORT.

NELSON MANDELA WAS IN PRISON FOR 27 YEARS BUT ONE TIME I LOST

SIGHT OF MY COWORKERS IN A DELTA TERMINAL.

WAIT, WHERE DID YOU GO?

THERE YOU ARE.

THERE YOU ARE.

WYATT, YOU'RE GONE NOW.

BARACK!

BARACK!

( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF DELUSIONAL, FORMER

NEW YORK MAYOR AND OLD MAN ASKING "NOW IS THIS THE WHIP OR

THE NAE NAE."

MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.

MAYOR BLOOMBERG HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF ATTENTION FOR OPENING A FIRE

HYDRANT OF MONEY TO SPREAD HIS CORE MESSAGE THAT HE HAS A FIRE

HYDRANT OF MONEY AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO PUSH THINGS EVEN

FURTHER BY CLAIMING HE TOOK ON A NEW CAMPAIGN ADVISER:

THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF E!

THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S GETTING ADVICE FROM THE FOLKS THAT

BROUGHT YOU THE KARDASHIANS.

SO GET READY TO SEE MIKE BLOOMBERG BREAK THE INTERNET.

HE LOOKS GOOD.

HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

APPARENTLY, THE PRIMARY TASK OF THIS NEW ADVISOR IS TO GET

LATE-NIGHT HOSTS TO WORK CAMPAIGN THEMES INTO THEIR

MONOLOGUES, CLAIMING, "IF YOU HEAR STEPHEN COLBERT MENTIONING

MIKE BLOOMBERG MORE OFTEN IN THE COMING WEEKS, IT MAY NOT BE BY

ACCIDENT."

I RESENT THAT ACCUSATION!

LOUVRE LAUGH ALL OF MY MONOLOGUE COMES

TOGETHER BY ACCIDENT.

( LAUGHTER ) JIM, SHOW HIM MY WRITERS' ROOM.

THAT'S MY HEAD WRITER.

THAT'S PICKLES.

THAT IS MY HEAD WRITER, PICKLES.

HE HAS BEEN WITH ME SINCE '57.

HE'S NOT TRYING TO BUY TIME IN LATE NIGHT.

HE WANTS TO DEVELOP UNPAID RELATIONSHIPS WITH LATE-NIGHT

TALK SHOW HOSTS.

WHICH I FIND EVEN MORE INSULTING.

AS A PRINCIPLED COMEDIAN, I WOULD NEVER SHAPE MY CONTENT

AROUND A PERSON OR A BRAND FOR FREE.

NO!

NO!

>> Jon: COME ON NOW.

>> Stephen: THAT WOULD BE A BETRAYAL OF ALL THE BRANDS WHO

PAY ME.

SO, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, LISTEN HERE: IF YOU COME KNOCKING ON MY

DOOR, I WON'T ANSWER.

BUT I WILL KNOW YOU'RE THERE THANKS TO NEST DOORBELL FROM

GOOGLE.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JASON SEGAL IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I HAVE A MEAL WITH ELIZABETH WARREN.

STICK AROUND.