OVER THERE UNPACKING THE BIGGEST, MOST CRUCIAL NEWS

STORIES, LAYING THEM ALL OUT, THEN METICULOUSLY ASSEMBLING

THEM INTO THE AWESOME, IMPRESSIVELY DETAILED LEGO

MILLENNIUM FALCON THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO COLLECT ALL THE LEFTOVER BITS, THE SPARE

WHEELS, THE DISCARDED 2x2 FLAT TIRES, THE EXTRA FOUR-TOP

BRICKS, SLAP THEM TOGETHER WITH SOME RUBBER BANDS, ADD AN OLD

TRAIN LOCOMOTIVE, THEN STRAP A DINOSAUR ON AND A BOTTLE ROCKET

TO MAKE THE BACKYARD ROCKET CAR OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

MEANWHILE-- IT'S SIMPLE.

IT'S DELICIOUS.

MEANWHILE, THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT OF SAN MIGUEL,

COLORADO, WENT VIRAL YESTERDAY AFTER ISSUING THIS WARNING:

"LARGE BOULDER THE SIZE OF A SMALL BOULDER IS COMPLETELY

BLOCKING EASTBOUND LANE OF HIGHWAY 145."

WOW, YEAH.

TO MOVE, THAT THEY'RE GOING TO NEED A MEDIUM-SIZED CRANE THE

SIZE OF A HUGE CRANE.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "AN OXFORD UNIVERSITY

PROFESSOR HAS CREATED A PATCH INFUSED WITH BACON TO 'HELP

VEGANS COPE WITH MEAT CRAVINGS.'"

( LAUGHTER ) HOPEFULLY, THE PATCH GOES ACROSS

THE VEGAN'S MOUTH SO THEY CAN'T KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW CASHEW

BUTTER REBALANCED THEIR GUT BIOME.

( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE CARES.

NO ONE CARES.

( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S HOW THIS WILL NOT WORK:

"WHEN A PERSON WHO IS WEARING THE PATCH SCRATCHES IT, IT

PRODUCES A SMELL SIMILAR TO THAT OF COOKED BACON," SO THEY CAN

IMAGINE THAT THEY ARE EATING BACON, WHICH SHOULD SUPPOSEDLY

SATE THEIR APPETITE."

RIGHT, BECAUSE THE NORMAL HUMAN REACTION TO SMELLING BACON IS TO

NO LONGER WANT TO EAT BACON.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "WALMART IS NOW

SELLING A ROSE WINE DRINK ENHANCER THAT CAN BE USED TO

TURN YOUR WATER INTO A DELICIOUS GLASS OF WINE TO ACHIEVE THE

PERFECT NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK."

IT'S ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT WINE, WITHOUT THE ONLY

THING YOU LOVE ABOUT WINE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AND-- ( CHEERS )

♪ ♪ ♪ AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN, WITH ONE

DRINKER SAYING, "IT'S AMAZING" IF YOU ADD A FEW DROPS TO

VODKA."

( LAUGHTER ) YEAH!

THAT'S RIGHT!

JUST THROW A FEW DROPS OF THIS MAGIC ROSE MIXER INTO YOUR

VODKA, AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE SAYING, "ARE YOU OKAY?"

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "SCIENTISTS USED A 3D

PRINTER, A LOUDSPEAKER, AND COMPUTER SOFTWARE TO RECREATE

THE VOICE OF A 3,000-YEAR-OLD MUMMY."

HERE'S WHAT THEY ACTUALLY CAME UP WITH:

( GROANING ) ( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: I CAN'T-- CAN WE HEAR THAT AGAIN?

IS IT POSSIBLE?

CAN WE HEAR THAT AGAIN?

( GROANING ) I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT

MUMMIES SOUND LIKE.

IT'S GOING TO REALLY KNOCK SOME OF THE SUSPENSE OUT OF OUR

MOVIES.

>> WHAT'S IT SAY?

( GROANING ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT