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  • >> IN LIGHT OF THE CORONAVIRUS, THE C.D.C. HAS RELEASED A CHART

  • ON FACIAL HAIR AND RESPIRATORY PROTECTION.

  • THE CHART ILLUSTRATES WHICH TYPE OF FACIAL HAIR IS COMPATIBLE

  • WITH FILTERING FACE PIECE RESPIRATORS.

  • FACIAL HAIR LIKE SOUL PATCH IS COMPATIBLE.

  • FU MANCHU AND IMPERIAL ARE NOT, WHILE VILLAIN COULD GO EITHER

  • WAY.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> HELLO, I'M ZIRSIE ZENDOR

  • LEVAY, PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF EVIL VILLAINS.

  • YES, GO DO EVIL.

  • OUR RELEASE OF THE CORONAVIRUS HAS GONE SWIMMINGLY.

  • BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S HAD EXPECTED CONSEQUENCES, A BIT OF

  • AN OOPSY-DAISY.

  • YOU SEE, RECENTLY, THE C.D.C.

  • RELEASED NEW FACIAL HAIR GUIDELINES COMPATIBLE WITH A

  • FACE RESPIRATOR.

  • THIS IS THE ACTUAL CHART PUT OUT BY THE C.D.C.

  • AS YOU CAN SEE, IF YOU'RE A LESS-FLAMBOYANT NE'ER-DO-WELL,

  • SAY A RUN-OF-THE-MILL BAD GUY, OR ADOLF HITLER, YOU'RE FINE.

  • BUT WHAT IF YOU HAVE MORE PANACHE, LIKE EVIL SPOCK OR A

  • DEPRESSION-ERA DASTARDLY TYCOON?

  • THEN YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

  • THAT'S WHY I'VE DEVELOPED A LINE OF EVIL FACIAL HAIR SURGICAL

  • MASKS CALLED THE "VILLAIN'S VEIL" PERFECT FOR DESPOTIC

  • RULERS OF DISTANT PLANETS, A SINISTER VIDEO GAME ARCHRIVAL,

  • OR TED CRUZ.

  • SO PICK UP ONE TODAY, BECAUSE EVIL DOESN'T TAKE A SICK DAY.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

  • ( APPLAUSE ) "THE VILLAIN'S VEIL," LOOK FOR

  • IT WHEREVER WEATHER CONTROL MACHINES ARE SOLD.

  • >> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."

>> IN LIGHT OF THE CORONAVIRUS, THE C.D.C. HAS RELEASED A CHART

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