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  • -Let's get to some news.

  • Today was the New Hampshire primary.

  • The polls closed at 8:00 p.m., and when they declared a winner,

  • Iowa was like, "Pssh! Show-offs."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, the New Hampshire primary was held today.

  • And good news -- if anyone's in the market

  • for some Joe Biden campaign merchandise,

  • I think it's about to get a whole lot cheaper.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Based on a lot of polls, Joe Biden was on track

  • to finish the night in fourth or fifth place.

  • [ Scattered groans ]

  • I'm not saying Biden's in trouble,

  • but the coronavirus is polling ahead of him.

  • You know, just -- [ Laughter ]

  • But this is true. Today, Biden actually

  • left New Hampshire early

  • to start campaigning in South Carolina.

  • And since it was Joe Biden,

  • he didn't really leave early as much as wander off.

  • It was like -- [ Laughter ]

  • "Joe -- Where's he going?"

  • It's not just Biden, though.

  • Elizabeth Warren's campaign is struggling, too.

  • Today, she told reporters,

  • "You get knocked down, you get back up again."

  • When they asked how she's been dealing with the stress,

  • she said, "I drink a whiskey drink,

  • I drink a vodka drink." [ Laughter ]

  • "I drink a cider drink..."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Any Chumbawamba --

  • Chumbawamba fans in the house? -Come on!

  • [ Cheering ]

  • -But this morning, Warren, Biden, and Buttigieg

  • were all spotted at Dunkin' Donuts.

  • Dunkin' was like, "You can't buy this kind of publicity."

  • Then Mike Bloomberg was like, "Yeah, you can."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of Buttigieg, today in New Hampshire,

  • he met with a few supporters,

  • and some of them wanted him to raise the roof.

  • Let's see -- Let's see how that went.

  • -Ready? -Whoo!

  • -Go, Pete! We've got this!

  • [ Cheering ]

  • -You're raising the roof.

  • You aren't being held up at gunpoint.

  • [ Laughter ] He's like, "My watch!

  • This is not expensive! Just take it!

  • Take my money!"

  • It looks like the New Hampshire primary

  • has run a lot smoother than the Iowa caucus.

  • But you know what?

  • The Iowa Democratic Party is doing the best they can.

  • In fact, it looks like all the problems have been

  • cleaned up, and they're running a tight ship.

  • Just take a look at the press conference from yesterday.

  • -If there are mathematical rounding errors,

  • why can't those be adjusted?

  • -Because these sheets are signed not only by the precinct chair

  • and the precinct secretary --

  • [ Thuds ] [ Laughter ]

  • Uh...

  • -Ah.

  • Oh, never mind.

  • Guys, since Valentine's Day is this week,

  • some of the Democratic candidates decided

  • to take a break from negative campaigning

  • in order to write some Valentine's Day poems

  • from the campaign trail. Isn't that nice?

  • For example, Mike Bloomberg wrote a poem that goes,

  • "Roses are red, violets are blue,

  • I bought a Super Bowl ad. Can I buy your vote, too?"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Joe Biden's poem goes,

  • "I don't run for glory nor praise or applause.

  • I run to give America a nice neck massage."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Biden.

  • -Pete Buttigieg's poem goes, "You're my best friend.

  • You make me my best self.

  • Now can you help me grab something on a high shelf?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wow. -Tom Steyer's poem goes,

  • "I have lots of money but not lots of clout.

  • Even I can't believe that I haven't dropped out."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And finally, Bernie Sanders' poem goes,

  • "Medicare For All. College should be free.

  • Every night at 4:00 a.m., I wake up to pee."

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • Happy Valentine's Day.

  • ♪♪

  • Happy Valentine's Day.

  • [ Applause ]

  • And last night, President Trump held a rally

  • in New Hampshire to try and steal attention away

  • from Democrats.

  • You can tell he was just trying to go viral.

  • He went onstage and did the broomstick challenge.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • During Trump's rally, he told the crowd,

  • "If you want to vote for a weak candidate,

  • pick the weakest one you think."

  • Yep. Even Tom Steyer was like, "Oh, my God, he mentioned me."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Later in the rally, Trump also shared his plans

  • for fighting the coronavirus. Take a look.

  • -The virus. They're working hard.

  • Looks like, by April, you know, in theory,

  • when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.

  • I hope that's true. [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, good. I was worried he didn't have a plan.

  • Wow. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ] You just hope it goes away?

  • What's he saying? -Miraculously.

  • Miraculously. -Wow.

  • Some TV news -- last night was

  • an all-new episode of "The Bachelor."

  • And there's a rumor going around online that Peter ends up

  • with someone who works for the show behind the scenes.

  • [ Audience "Oohs" ]

  • Yeah, it'd be a real shocker in the finale when he's like,

  • "Pauly, the cameraman, will you accept this rose?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm touched. I can't believe it."

  • Some business news -- T-Mobile will soon be

  • officially merging with Sprint.

  • Afterwards, the CEOs wanted to make sure people

  • heard the good news, so they called on their Verizon phones.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I read that DNA testing companies

  • like Ancestry and 23andMe are laying off workers.

  • Yeah, one boss said, "I have some bad news.

  • You're fired.

  • And even worse, your wife is your sister."

  • [ Laughter, audience groans ]

  • This is cool. Scientists just discovered

  • a new species of dinosaur that's a cousin of the T. Rex.

  • It's got a pretty interesting look.

  • Check it out. Yeah.

  • Like orange in the front, white in the back.

  • Where have I seen that?

  • Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I remember now.

  • And finally, a new study found that smoking weed

  • is bad for your memory.

  • When the scientists presented the study,

  • his colleagues were like, "Dave, you just gave us

  • this presentation last week." We have a great show.

-Let's get to some news.

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ジミーは、民主党ニューハンプシャー州のプライマリーをリキャップします。 (Jimmy Recaps the Democratic New Hampshire Primary)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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