字幕表 動画を再生する 英語字幕をプリント -Let's get to some news. Today was the New Hampshire primary. The polls closed at 8:00 p.m., and when they declared a winner, Iowa was like, "Pssh! Show-offs." [ Laughter ] Yep, the New Hampshire primary was held today. And good news -- if anyone's in the market for some Joe Biden campaign merchandise, I think it's about to get a whole lot cheaper. [ Laughter ] Based on a lot of polls, Joe Biden was on track to finish the night in fourth or fifth place. [ Scattered groans ] I'm not saying Biden's in trouble, but the coronavirus is polling ahead of him. You know, just -- [ Laughter ] But this is true. Today, Biden actually left New Hampshire early to start campaigning in South Carolina. And since it was Joe Biden, he didn't really leave early as much as wander off. It was like -- [ Laughter ] "Joe -- Where's he going?" It's not just Biden, though. Elizabeth Warren's campaign is struggling, too. Today, she told reporters, "You get knocked down, you get back up again." When they asked how she's been dealing with the stress, she said, "I drink a whiskey drink, I drink a vodka drink." [ Laughter ] "I drink a cider drink..." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Any Chumbawamba -- Chumbawamba fans in the house? -Come on! [ Cheering ] -But this morning, Warren, Biden, and Buttigieg were all spotted at Dunkin' Donuts. Dunkin' was like, "You can't buy this kind of publicity." Then Mike Bloomberg was like, "Yeah, you can." [ Laughter ] Speaking of Buttigieg, today in New Hampshire, he met with a few supporters, and some of them wanted him to raise the roof. Let's see -- Let's see how that went. -Ready? -Whoo! -Go, Pete! We've got this! [ Cheering ] -You're raising the roof. You aren't being held up at gunpoint. [ Laughter ] He's like, "My watch! This is not expensive! Just take it! Take my money!" It looks like the New Hampshire primary has run a lot smoother than the Iowa caucus. But you know what? The Iowa Democratic Party is doing the best they can. In fact, it looks like all the problems have been cleaned up, and they're running a tight ship. Just take a look at the press conference from yesterday. -If there are mathematical rounding errors, why can't those be adjusted? -Because these sheets are signed not only by the precinct chair and the precinct secretary -- [ Thuds ] [ Laughter ] Uh... -Ah. Oh, never mind. Guys, since Valentine's Day is this week, some of the Democratic candidates decided to take a break from negative campaigning in order to write some Valentine's Day poems from the campaign trail. Isn't that nice? For example, Mike Bloomberg wrote a poem that goes, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I bought a Super Bowl ad. Can I buy your vote, too?" [ Laughter and applause ] Joe Biden's poem goes, "I don't run for glory nor praise or applause. I run to give America a nice neck massage." [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪ -Biden. -Pete Buttigieg's poem goes, "You're my best friend. You make me my best self. Now can you help me grab something on a high shelf?" [ Laughter ] -Wow. -Tom Steyer's poem goes, "I have lots of money but not lots of clout. Even I can't believe that I haven't dropped out." [ Laughter and applause ] And finally, Bernie Sanders' poem goes, "Medicare For All. College should be free. Every night at 4:00 a.m., I wake up to pee." [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Happy Valentine's Day. ♪♪ Happy Valentine's Day. [ Applause ] And last night, President Trump held a rally in New Hampshire to try and steal attention away from Democrats. You can tell he was just trying to go viral. He went onstage and did the broomstick challenge. [ Laughter ] During Trump's rally, he told the crowd, "If you want to vote for a weak candidate, pick the weakest one you think." Yep. Even Tom Steyer was like, "Oh, my God, he mentioned me." [ Laughter ] Later in the rally, Trump also shared his plans for fighting the coronavirus. Take a look. -The virus. They're working hard. Looks like, by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away. I hope that's true. [ Laughter ] -Oh, good. I was worried he didn't have a plan. Wow. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] You just hope it goes away? What's he saying? -Miraculously. Miraculously. -Wow. Some TV news -- last night was an all-new episode of "The Bachelor." And there's a rumor going around online that Peter ends up with someone who works for the show behind the scenes. [ Audience "Oohs" ] Yeah, it'd be a real shocker in the finale when he's like, "Pauly, the cameraman, will you accept this rose?" [ Laughter ] "I'm touched. I can't believe it." Some business news -- T-Mobile will soon be officially merging with Sprint. Afterwards, the CEOs wanted to make sure people heard the good news, so they called on their Verizon phones. [ Laughter ] I read that DNA testing companies like Ancestry and 23andMe are laying off workers. Yeah, one boss said, "I have some bad news. You're fired. And even worse, your wife is your sister." [ Laughter, audience groans ] This is cool. Scientists just discovered a new species of dinosaur that's a cousin of the T. Rex. It's got a pretty interesting look. Check it out. Yeah. Like orange in the front, white in the back. Where have I seen that? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. [ Laughter and applause ] I remember now. And finally, a new study found that smoking weed is bad for your memory. When the scientists presented the study, his colleagues were like, "Dave, you just gave us this presentation last week." We have a great show.