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  • It's no exaggeration to say the world has been on edge

  • ever since the United States killed Qasem Soleimani,

  • Iranian general and evil Sean Connery.

  • And everyone was wondering how Iran would respond.

  • Well, last night, we found out.

  • NEWSMAN: Overnight, Iran taking revenge,

  • launching a barrage of missiles

  • targeting two U.S. military bases

  • and coalition troops in Iraq.

  • REPORTER 2: This, Iran said, was its vengeance

  • for the U.S.'s killing of its top general.

  • There were at least two waves of attacks.

  • Then Iran's foreign minister tweeted

  • his country was ready to step back

  • if there was no American counterattack.

  • REPORTER: And this morning, no reports of U.S. coalition

  • or Iraqi casualties.

  • We've just heard from the Iraqi prime minister's office

  • that they did indeed receive notification from the Iranians

  • that there would be a strike.

  • That was a full five hours and 45 minutes

  • before those missiles came in.

  • That's right. Last night, Iran launched 15 missiles

  • at American forces in Iraq.

  • But in an interesting twist,

  • they killed no one, hurt no one

  • and gave the Iraqi bases a six-hour heads-up,

  • which is a lot of warning.

  • It's almost like they were sitting there, like,

  • "Let's give them one-hour notice."

  • It's like, "But, sir, what if they're watching The Irishman?"

  • "Okay.

  • "Six hours. Give them six hours.

  • They need time."

  • (applause)

  • So, Iran fired 15 missiles,

  • gave one giant warning and basically missed everything,

  • which most people agree means

  • that Iran wants this thing to go away.

  • They wanted to respond to-to the United States

  • in a way that would let them keep their pride

  • but then also not in a way

  • that would escalate this conflict into a war.

  • In fact, in international diplomacy,

  • this type of action is known

  • as a "hold me back, bro."

  • And... and, clearly, it worked.

  • It clearly worked.

  • Because after the missile attack,

  • President Trump sent out a tweet saying,

  • "All is well."

  • Yeah. Which was hilarious,

  • because the tweet was composed like Trump was writing a letter

  • from the front lines of the Civil War.

  • -"My dearest Twitter, -(fiddle playing)

  • "all is well!

  • "Missiles launched from Iraq.

  • "So far, so good.

  • "I hope to see you soon.

  • "Please kiss Ivanka for me and not Eric.

  • "Sincerely, Donald.

  • "#MAGA

  • #ReadTheTranscript"

  • (cheering and applause)

  • So...

  • It seemed like Iran was stepping down,

  • Trump was happy with their decision

  • and, today, the president addressed the nation

  • to give everybody an update.

  • And-- I'm not gonna lie--

  • the address started out a little weird.

  • (shutters clicking)

  • As long as I'm president of the United States,

  • Iran will never be allowed to have

  • a nuclear weapon.

  • Good morning.

  • (laughter)

  • Okay. Okay.

  • I-Is it-- is it just me

  • or-or did Trump find a way to make this national address

  • sound like the beginning of an infomercial? Yeah?

  • "Iran will never have nuclear weapons.

  • "Hi, I'm Donald Trump.

  • Tired of missile strikes when you aren't even home?"

  • So, a really weird start.

  • But, fortunately, once Trump got into the meat of his speech,

  • he reassured everybody that, at least for the moment,

  • the beef with Iran has been squashed.

  • Iran appears to be standing down,

  • which is a good thing for all parties concerned

  • and a very good thing for the world.

  • The civilized world must send a clear and unified message

  • to the Iranian regime:

  • your campaign of terror, murder, mayhem

  • will not be "toler-ited" any longer.

  • (sniffs) These historic "accompliment-shades"

  • are strategic priorities.

  • (groans)

  • Whoa, what-what was that?

  • "Toler-ited"?

  • "Accompliment-shades"?

  • Trump's mouth was missing more targets

  • than those Iranian missiles. Just...

  • And, now-- and, now, personally...

  • (cheering, applause)

  • Personally, honestly, I'm glad.

  • I'm glad that Iran and Donald Trump seem to have agreed

  • to let things settle down. Right?

  • 'Cause Trump got what he wanted--

  • kill the general and it didn't escalate into anything.

  • This is a win for him. But I pray,

  • I pray that Donald Trump doesn't start watching Fox News again

  • anytime soon, because, for them, all is not well.

  • They're gonna get hit hard.

  • Their hostility will now be met

  • with the full force of the greatest, most advanced,

  • most sophisticated military this world has ever seen.

  • This president will unleash holy hell on that regime.

  • The mullahs only understand one language,

  • and that's the language of death.

  • Um, sadly. And if death is what we have to give them

  • to stop this, then, sadly, that's what we have to do.

  • Number one, target not just the oil

  • but target the launch sites that fired those 15 missiles today.

  • Ollie North is right. It's-- It-it is oil refineries,

  • oil infrastructure.

  • It is key missile sites.

  • It's nuclear development sites.

  • Throw in some ports, key infrastructure

  • and, you know what, why not a Quds headquarters,

  • uh, for-for good nature on top of it.

  • What? "Throw in some ports

  • and infrastructure while you're at it"?

  • This is wild.

  • This dude is just adding bombing targets

  • like he's making impulse buys at the register.

  • "You know what? Throw in Chapstick and Snickers

  • "and a drone strike at an airport,

  • 'cause Daddy got paid!"

It's no exaggeration to say the world has been on edge

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イランの報復&トランプ氏が次のステップを概説|デイリーショー (Iran Retaliates & Trump Outlines Next Steps | The Daily Show)

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    林宜悉 に公開 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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