I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

THE 2020 ELECTION-- ( APPLAUSE )

EVERYBODY IS EXCITED.

YOU KNOW WHY, JON, IT'S BECAUSE THE 2020 ELECTION IS FINALLY

UNDER WAY.

TODAY WAS THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRI SO AFTER A YEAR OF CAMPAIGNING,

WE ONLY HAVE NINE MONTHS TO GO. I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST IN

TONIGHT'S EDITION OF...

>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

( HORN BEEPING ).

>> YOU'RE A LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.

>> I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS.

>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020.

>> Stephen: HIS TIRE IS CUT, MAN.

HIS TIRE LOOKS GOOD.

>> Jon: HE GOT CUT.

>> Stephen: NOW, WE TAPED THE SHOW BEFORE THE POLLS CLOSED

TODAY SO WE DON'T KNOW WHO WON IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, OR IOWA.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE KNOW THE RESULTS FROM TH

MIDNIGHT PRIMARIES HELD IN TOWNS LIKE DIXVILLE NOTCH-- WHICH, OF

COURSE, IS A TINY HAMLET ON THE BORDER OF TAINTOWN TRENCH, NEXT

TO GRUNDLETON, PENIS TOWNSHIP, AND MUNCHBUTT CANYON.

( LAUGHTER ) THE DIXVILLE NOTCH PRIMARY HAD

MSNBC'S BRIAN WILLIAMS PRETTY EXCITED.

>> AS WE WATCH THIS, THIS WILL BE LIKE AN ATHLETIC EVENT. WE

CAN DO COLOR COMMENTARY. FIRST OF ALL, WE NEED TO ESTABLISH

THAT NORTHERN NEW ENGLAND IS STA BEAUTIFUL AND THAT THERE ARE

PORTIONS OF NORTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE WHERE MOOSE WAY

OUTNUMBER PEOPLE, AS IT SHOULD B ( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: "AS IT SHOULD BE?" THAT'S A LITTLE ODD, BUT IT

EXPLAINS HIS SIGN-OFF: ( AS WILLIAMS ) "FOR MSNBC, I'M BRIAN

BOW BEFORE OUR MOOSE MASTERS, YOU HUMAN SCUM. GOOD NIGHT."

( LAUGHTER ) BLOOMBERG WON DIXVILLE IN A

LANDSLIDE, BUT THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH, GIVEN THAT THE TOWN ONLY

HAS FIVE RESIDENTS.

FIVE.

HE USED HIS CASH ADVANTAGE TO BUY TARGETED ADVERTISING, LIKE:

"KEVIN, VOTE FOR ME.

I'LL MAKE SURE CAROL COMES BACK."

AND THIS ONE: "CAROL, VOTE FOR ME.

I PROMISE TO KEEP KEVIN AWAY."

THE OTHER BIG MIDNIGHT WINNER WAS MINNESOTA SENATOR AMY

KLOBUCHAR, SEEN HERE DOING A TIGHT FIVE AT THE POT LUCK.

EVEN THOUGH BLOOMBERG SNAGGED DIXVILLE NOTCH, WHEN THE THREE

MIDNIGHT PRIMARIES, DIXVILLE NOTCH, HART'S LOCATION, AND

MILLSFIELD, WERE TALLIED TOGETHER, KLOBUCHAR HAD WON THE

MOST VOTES, WITH A WHOPPING TOTAL OF EIGHT.

OR AS JOE BIDEN PUT IT, "WOW, EIGHT...

THAT REMINDS ME OF THE NUMBER OF YEARS I SPENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE

WITH BARACK OBAMA."

OF COURSE, THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OF COURSE, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS

NOT DOING ALL THAT WELL IN THE GRANITE STATE.

BEFORE THE VOTES WERE EVEN COUNTED, BIDEN AND HIS WIFE FLEW

OUT TO "A SOUTH CAROLINA LAUNCH DOESN'T EXACTLY SOUND CONFIDENT.

THAT'S LIKE A GUY ON HIS WEDDING DAY SAYING, "TO LOVE, HONOR, AND

CHERISH 'TIL DEATH DO US PART. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE

A DATE."

ON THE EVE OF THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD

A RALLY IN MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE, BECAUSE HE COULDN'T

STAND THE IDEA OF OTHER PEOPLE GETTING ANY ATTENTION.

AND WHILE HE WAS THERE, HE TOOK SOME TIME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT

HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI.

>> ON TUESDAY, I DELIVERED MY ADDRESS ON THE STATE OF THE

UNION, AND I HAD SOMEBODY BEHIND ME WHO WAS MUMBLING TERRIBLY,

MUMBLING, MUMBLING, "WAH, WAH, OH, AH."

>> Stephen: HUH.

>> Dickerson: BOO!

>> Stephen: THAT WAS REALLY LATE ON THAT.

HAVE I BEEN USING THE WORD "MUMBLING" INCORRECTLY?

( AS TRUMP ) "SHE WAS MUMBLING: OH, HA, HO,

HA.

STUTTERING: SWISH, SWISH, SWISH!

WORST OF ALL, WHISTLING: CHA-HA, CHA-cHA-CHA!"

TRUMP TOOK TIME TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF NEARBY CONCORD HOW

MUCH HE LOVES CONCORD.

>> CONCORD, CONCORD, I LOVE CONCORD.

I LOVE CONCORD.

OH, CONCORD.

YOU KNOW HOW FAMOUS CONCORD IS?

CONCORD, THAT'S THE SAME CONCORD THAT WE READ ABOUT ALL THE TIME,

RIGHT?

CONCORD.

I LOVE CONCORD!

>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, YOU DO NOT READ ANY OF THE TIME.

SECOND, NO, IT IS NOT THAT SAME COP CONCORDE.

THAT CONCORDE IS IN MASSACHUSETTS.

( AS TRUMP ) "YOUR CITY ONCE FOUGHT THE RED

COATS WITH A SUPERSONIC JET THAT COULD MAKE THE TRIP FROM NEW

YORK TO LONDON IN RECORD TIME.

OH, CONCORDE!

I LOVE YOUR GRAPE JUICE!

CONCORDE, I LOVE YOU!

SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT HE LOVES-- SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT

HE ACTUALLY LOVES, TRUMP INTRODUCED A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.

>> ALSO, A WOMAN THAT NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE KNOW, VERY POWERFUL,

VERY SMART, VERY BEAUTIFUL-- EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT ALLOWED TO

SAY THAT, BECAUSE SHE'S MY DAUGHTER-- IVANKA.

>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S WEIRD.

HE SAYS HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY IT.

AND HE KNOWS WHY HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY IT, BECAUSE OF

ALL THE OTHER CREEPY WAYS HE SAID IT, BUT THEN HE SAYS IT

ANYWAY.

HE'D BE TERRIBLE IN A HORROR MOVIE.

( AS TRUMP ) "OKAY, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY

"CANDYMAN" FIVE TIMES IN A MIRROR, BUT CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN,

CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN!

OH, HI, CANDYMAN.

LOOKING GOOD.

YOU UP FOR A THREESOME?

BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE.

COME ON.

COME ON.

TAKE THE HOOK OFF YOUR HAND, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TO..."

( APPLAUSE ) FINE FAMILY JOKE.

YOU KNOW SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE DONALD TRUMP IS CORRUPTING ALL

OF THE DEMOCRATIC INSTITUTIONS WE HOLD DEAR?

WELL, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU: YOU'RE NOT CRAZY TO

FEEL THAT WAY.

THE LATEST EXAMPLE IS THE CASE OF TRUMP CRONY AND MAN VOTED

BEST DRESSED AT NUREMBURG, ROGER STONE.

LAST YEAR-- A LOT OF STONE FANS HERE TONIGHT.

LAST YEAR, STONE WAS CONVICTED OF SEVEN FELONIES, INCLUDING

LYING UNDER OATH, FORGING DOCUMENTS, ENGAGING IN A

RELENTLESS AND ELABORATE CAMPAIGN TO SILENCE A WITNESS BY

THREATENING BODILY HARM.

AND BY THE LOOKS OF HIM, I'M GOING TO SAY ATTEMPTING TO TURN

GOTHAM CITY'S WATER SUPPLY INTO MARMALADE.

( LAUGHTER ) THESE-- THESE ARE ALL SERIOUS

CRIMES.

STONE FACED A MAXIMUM PENALTY OF 50 YEARS IN PRISON.

BUT PROSECUTORS ASKED FOR A SENTENCE OF JUST SEVEN TO NINE

YEARS.

WE HAVE A COMPUTER PROJECTION OF WHAT ROGER STONE WILL LOOK LIKE

IN NINE YEARS.

THERE YOU GO.

( APPLAUSE ) BUT THESE PROSECUTORS, EVEN THAT

LIGHTER SENTENCE DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH STONE'S OLD

PAL DONALD TRUMP, WHO TWEETED, "THIS IS A HORRIBLE AND VERY

UNFAIR SITUATION.

REAL CRIMES WERE ON THE OTHER SIDE, AS NOTHING HAPPENS TO

THEM.

CANNOT ALLOW THIS MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE!"

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DONALD TRUMP IS SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE

ABOUT STONE GOING TO JAIL.

ALL STONE NEEDS TO GET OUT IS TO ROLL DOUBLES.

OKAY?

OR PAY 50 BUCKS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GO TO FREE PARKING.

DO NOT PASS "GO."

THEN, BY SOME IMPOSSIBLE COINCIDENCE-- HOW COULD IT BE!

IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WILL

TAKE THE EXTRAORDINARY STEP OF LOWERING THE RECOMMENDED PRISON

TIME FOR ROGER STONE.

( AUDIENCE BOOING ).

>> Stephen: SO-- THAT WAS THE ONE I WAS LOOKING FOR EARLIER,

BY THE WAY.

SO DONALD TRUMP AND HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL ARE USING THE JUSTICE

DEPARTMENT TO GO EASY ON HIS CRONIES.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS AND A BANANA REPUBLIC IS

THAT TRUMP DOES NOT EAT FRUIT.

TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE STONE CASE TODAY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

BUT FIRST, HE SHOWED OFF A LITTLE PROJECT HE'S BEEN

WORKING ON.

>> WE HAVE FOUR TRILLION-DOLLAR COMPANIES.

ONE IS MICROSOFT, ONE IS APPLE, ONE IS GOOGLE, ONE IS AMAZON.

SO YOU HAVE AMAZON, GOOGLE, APPLE, AND MICROSOFT.

SO YOU HAVE AN "M," YOU HAVE AN "A," YOU HAVE A "G," AND YOU

HAVE AN "A."

YOU HAVE MAGA.

>> MAGA!

>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, NO!

FAIR IS FAIR.

HE'S RIGHT.

YOU DO GET THAT.

AND, IF YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN THE NAME "DONALD

TRUMP," THEY SPELL "PLOD TURD-MAN."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S JUST AS TRUE.

IT'S JUST AS TRUE.

I WANT THAT ON A RED HAT.

REGARDING THE STONE SENTENCING, TRUMP INSISTED HE DIDN'T MAKE

ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS.

>> I'D BE ABLE TO DO IT IF I WANTED.

I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO DO IT.

I STAY OUT OF THINGS TO A DEGREE THAT PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

THE ONLY THINGS YOU STAY OUT OF ARE BOOKS, SALAD BAR LINES, AND

SHOES THAT HAVE TO BE LACED UP.

( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE TO TRUMP'S CARRIAGE

OF MISJUSTICE, ALL FOUR OF ROGER STONE'S PROSECUTORS HAVE

RESIGNED.

THAT'S RIGHT, THEY ALL WALKED.

IT MUST NOT HAVE BEEN EASY FOR THEM TO FIND THE EXIT, SINCE

BILL BARR HAS RELOCATED THE D.O.J. UP TRUMP'S ASS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" YES, THAT "MEANWHILE!"