I LOVE THE ENERGY IN THIS ROOM.

I LOVE THE POSITIVE ENERGY IN THIS ROOM BECAUSE OUT THERE THE

WORLD IS ON EDGE OVER AN INTERNATIONAL EMERGENCY THAT

THREATENS THOSE WHO WE HOLD MOST DEAR-- BECAUSE OPRAH FELL DOWN!

( LAUGHTER ) IT IS TRULY THE END TIMES.

JUST AS IT PROPHESIES IN THE BIBLE.

"THE DAY OF THE LORD WILL COME LIKE A THIEF.

THE HEAVENS WILL DISAPPEAR WITH A ROAR, THE ELEMENTS WILL BE

DESTROYED BY FIRE, AND OPRAH WILL FALL DOWN.

REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT LAST ONE.

I'M A HUGE FAN."

( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING -- HERE'S THE

THING -- THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, I WANT YOU TO HEAR ME

HERE ---ROOPRAH IS FINE -- ( APPLAUSE )

-- SHE'S FINE BUT SHE WAS IN LOS ANGELES GIVING A SPEECH WHEN

SHE TOOK THE TUMBLE.

>> SO HERE'S MY DEFINITION OF WHAT WELLNESS MEANS TO ME.

WELLNESS TO ME MEANS ALL THINGS IN BALANCE.

AND BALANCE DOESN'T MEAN ALL THINGS ARE EQUAL OR AT PEACE AT

ALL TIMES.

WHOOPS!

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> OH!

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: OPRAH FELL WHILE

TALKING ABOUT BALANCE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, OPRAH, DON'T GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT NOT FALLING

INTO LAVA!

( LAUGHTER ) AGAIN, SHE'S FINE.

TOMORROW IS SUPER TUESDAY.

SO IT COMES WITH FRIES AND A COKE.

ON SATURDAY, MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA HELD ITS

DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, OR AS THE LOCALS CALL IT, THE PRIMARY OF

NORTHERN AGGRESSION.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S:

>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

BEAT TRUMP!

THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION IS I'M BORING.

>> WE'RE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.

>> MADE A LOT OF MONEY.

I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.

>> THERE'S NO REASON TO PANIC.

>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020."

>> STEPHEN: WELL, THE VOTES ARE IN, AND SOUTH CAROLINA

DELIVERED A HUGE VICTORY TO FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN

ENJOYING LIFE IN A XELJANZ COMMERCIAL, JOE BIDEN.

IN HIS VICTORY SPEECH, BIDEN CAME OUT SWINGING.

>> ALL OF THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN, COUNTED OUT

LEFT BEHIND, THIS IS YOUR CAMPAIGN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST DAYS AGO THE PRESS AND THE

PUNDITS DECLARED THIS CANDIDACY DEAD.

>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "AND DAY BEFORE THAT, SOME

DOCTOR DECLARED ME MEDICALLY DEAD.

I TOLD HIM, "THAT'S MALARKEY."

I YANKED THE ELECTRODES OFF MY CHEST, THEN THINGS WENT DARK FOR

A WHILE, NEXT THING I KNOW, WOKE UP RIGHT HERE ON THIS STAGE!

THANK YOU, SOUTH CAROLINA!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BIDEN'S SPEECH CALLED FOR UNITY WITHIN THE PARTY.

>> IF THE DEMOCRATS WANT A NOMINEE WHO IS A DEMOCRAT--

( CHEERING ) A LIFELONG DEMOCRAT, A PROUD

DEMOCRAT, AN OBAMA-BIDEN DEMOCRAT, THEN JOIN US.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.

HE'S AN OBAMA-BIDEN DEMOCRAT.

( LAUGHTER ) AND HIS BEST HOPE IS YOU DON'T

REMEMBER WHICH OF THOSE TWO HE IS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(AS BIDEN) "AT THIS POINT, WHO CAN REMEMBER

WHICH ONE OF US WAS BARACK?

IT'S OBAMA-BIDEN.

I GOT A 50-50 SHOT."

( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN'S HUGE WIN HAD BIG

REPERCUSSIONS FOR OTHER CANDIDATES.

NAMELY, BILLIONAIRE INVESTOR AND MAN POINTING TO THE GUY WHO

WON'T BE PRESIDENT, TOM STEYER.

( LAUGHTER ) STEYER STAKED HIS WHOLE

CANDIDACY ON WINNING SOUTH CAROLINA, SO WHEN HE CAME IN

THIRD, HE KNEW THAT IT WAS TIME TO GO, BUT HE WAS PHILOSOPHICAL.

>> WHEN THE LORD CLOSES A DOOR, HE OPENS A WINDOW.

( CHEERING ) I WILL FIND THAT WINDOW AND

CRAWL THROUGH IT WITH YOU.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: TO WHICH AMERICANS

REPLIED, "HONEY, CAN YOU MAKE SURE WE LOCKED ALL THE

WINDOWS?

( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S A CRAZY MAN OUT THERE

SAYING THE LORD TOLD HIM TO CRAWL IN."

STEYER MAY HAVE SENSED THE END WAS NEAR, BECAUSE THE NIGHT

BEFORE HE REALLY CUT LOOSE AT A RALLY, WHERE HE JOINED RAPPER

JUVENILE ON STAGE FOR HIS HIT, "BACK THAT AZZ UP."

♪ ♪

A WHITE BILLIONAIRE DANCING WITH JUVENILE TO A SONG ABOUT BUTTS.

( LAUGHTER ) THE 2020 CAMPAIGN IS OFFICIALLY

A MAD LIB.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MAD LIB.

MAD LIB.

( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THE MOMENT WAS SO VIRAL, THAT EVEN CNN TRIED TO GET IN ON THE

FUN-- WITH MIXED RESULTS.

>> THIS VIRAL MOMENT OF YOURS.

YOU GOT A LITTLE LOOSE.

YOU'RE DANCING.

YOU'RE ON STAGE THERE WITH RAPPER JUVENILE.

ONE OF HIS HIT SONGS.

WHAT WAS THAT MOMENT LIKE?

WHAT WAS MOVING YOU?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

>> YOU KNOW, FREDRICKA, IT'S REALLY FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE WE

ARE TALKING ABOUT REALLY SERIOUS THINGS HERE.

I MEAN, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE WORKING FOR

INADEQUATE WAGES AND CAN'T LIVE ON IT, PEOPLE WHO ARE DYING

BECAUSE THE HEALTHCARE IS SO BAD.

>> STEPHEN: NO, DON'T TAKE THE FOOTAGE AWAY!

IT FITS PERFECTLY!

"CLIMATE CHANGE IS AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

AMERICAN FAMILIES ARE GOING BANKRUPT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IF WE DON'T ACT NOW, OUR

GRANDCHILDREN WILL BE THE ONES TO SUFFER."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

STEYER WASN'T THE ONLY DEMOCRAT TO DROP OUT.

HE WAS JOINED A DAY LATER BY FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND

CARTOON WOODCHUCK, PETE BUTTIGIEG.

( LAUGHTER ) BUTTIGIEG FINISHED FOURTH IN

SOUTH CAROLINA, SO ON SUNDAY, MAYOR PETE RETURNED TO SOUTH

BEND TO DELIVER HIS CONCESSION SPEECH.

>> SOMETIMES THE LONGEST WAY ROUND REALLY IS THE SHORTEST WAY

HOME!

>> STEPHEN: PETE, BUDDY, YOUR CAMPAIGN IS OVER.

YOU CAN START TALKING LIKE A HUMAN NOW.

"SOMETIMES THE ARC OF THE MORAL UNIVERSE LEADS US DOWN A PATH WE

NEVER KNEW WE NEEDED TO FIND THE COMMON HUMANITY THAT BINDS US.

AND, YEAH, I'LL TAKE FRIES WITH THAT."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) THEN THIS AFTERNOON WE LEARNED

THAT THE LATEST DEMOCRAT TO LEAVE THE RACE IS MINNESOTA

SENATOR AND VICE PRINCIPAL WHO HAS HAD IT WITH YOUR

SHENANIGANS, YOUNG MAN, AMY KLOBUCHAR.

KLOBUCHAR MADE THE DECISION TO DROP OUT WHEN IT BECAME CLEAR

SHE WOULDN'T WIN THE NOMINATION, BUT KEPT RUNNING FOR OVER A

YEAR ANYWAY.

THE SENATOR HASN'T MADE AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT YET, BUT

SOURCES SAY, SHE PLANS TO ENDORSE JOE BIDEN AT HIS RALLY

TONIGHT.

AND HE'LL ACCEPT WITH A GRACIOUS--

(AS BIDEN) "THANKS, ANNIE."

( LAUGHTER ) SO NOW, LET'S BID FAREWELL TO

THESE THREE CANDIDATES.

JIM, CAN YOU PUT 'EM ALL UP?

FIRST, MAYOR PETE.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN EFFORTS.

( LAUGHTER ) LOOKS LIKE BIDEN'S ALREADY TAKEN

OVER HIS SPACE.

AND NOW AMY KLOBUCHAR.

OH, JOE'S LURING HER WITH HOT DISH.

SHE CAN'T RESIST.

AND SHE'S OUTTA HERE!

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE SAY GOODBYE TO

TOM STEYER.

♪ ♪

RIDING HIGH OFTEN HIS WIN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE YOU GO.

RIDING HIGH OFF HIS WIN, BIDEN HIT THE SUNDAY SHOW CIRCUIT TO

PROVE HE WAS SHARP AND READY FOR SUPER TUESDAY.

>> WHERE CAN YOU WIN ON TUESDAY?

>> WELL, I THINK WE WIN NORTH CAROLINA, I THINK WE CAN WIN IN

GEORGIA-- IS GEORGIA TUESDAY?

>> NO, GEORGIA IS NOT TUESDAY I THINK THERE'S ONE HERE IN

ALABAMA.

NO, IT'S NOT TUESDAY.

I MISSPOKE.

>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN) "I MISSPOKE.

WHAT MATTERS IS, I WANNA THANK THE FOLKS FROM SOUTH

CORONAVIRUS.

SEE YOU ON TUESDAY, IOWA.

I'M JOE BIDEN AND I WANT TO BE YOUR PROM KING."

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THEN BIDEN WENT TO FOX NEWS TO TAKE THE FIGHT TO THE PRESIDENT.

>> I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO DEBATE HIM ON STAGE.

I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME STANDING NEXT TO HIM AND HIM STANDING

NEXT TO ME.

WE'LL SEE WHO'S SLEEPY.

>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.

THE VICE PRESIDENT SEEMED VERY SHARP THERE.

HE'S BACK ON HIS GAME AFTER A BIG VICTORY.

LET'S SEE THE VERY NEXT THING HE SAID.

>> ALL RIGHT, CHUCK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

IT'S CHRIS, BUT ANYWAY-- >> CHRIS-- I JUST SAID CHRIS.

NO, NO, I JUST SAID CHUCK.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, THESE ARE BACK-TO-BACK.

ANYWAY-- >> NO, IT'S OKAY.

>> I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT EARLY IN THE MORNING, TOO.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, HE'S NOT SLEEPY-- BUT HE IS IN THAT STATE

RIGHT AFTER YOU WAKE UP FROM A NAP AND DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU

ARE.

(AS BIDEN) "I'M UP!

I WAS JUST RESTING MY EYES!

WHAT IS THIS?

A COUCH?

A BED?

IS IT NIGHTTIME?

EARLY MORNING?

WHERE AM I?

AM I STILL CHASING THAT BIRD THAT STOLE MY DAD'S TEETH?

ANYWAY, CHUCK, VOTE FOR ME, AND I SWEAR I'LL WORK HARD AS HECK

TO GET THOSE TEETH BACK.

C'MON."

( LAUGHTER ) THEN, AT A RALLY IN TEXAS TODAY,

BIDEN STAYED ON HIS CORE MESSAGE:

>> WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELVE-EVIDENT, ALL MEN AND WOMEN

CREATED BY THE... GO, YOU KNOW THE... YOU KNOW THE THING.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: GUESS THOSE TRUTHS

AREN'T AS SELF-EVIDENT AS HE THOUGHT.

(AS BIDEN) "A GREAT MAN, JOHN F. KENNERBY

ONCE SAID, FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN AND, WE PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE

FOLKS, BECAUSE IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM, YABBA DABBA

DOO, WHERE'S THE BEEF, YOU KNOW THE THING."

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TY BURRELL IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE CORONAVIRUS TAKES A BITE OUT OF

THE BIG APPLE.

STICK AROUND.

COME ON!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )