Andwelcometomyrooftopofmyapartmentbuilding, which I amlegallynotallowedtobeon.
But I willdoanythingfor a goodshot.
I alsofigured, whatbetterbackgroundtotalkaboutLosAngelesandwhy I hateitifyouguyshavebeenwatchingmychannelfor a while, Youknowthat I havebeenhintingaboutfinding a newplacetomovefor a whilenow, and I havefinallymadethedecision.
I ammovingoutof L A thisJanuary.
Soinliterally, like, a coupleweeks, whichisreally, reallyexciting.
A lotofyouguysaregoingtousetheirlike, DoessheliveinNewYork?
DoesheliveinLondon?
Doesshelivein L.
A?
Isshestayingin L.
A.
Issheleadingaway?
So I justwanttoclearthatalluptodayandtalktoyou.
Kindofaboutmyexperiencelivingin l.
A.
Overthepastthreeand 1/2 yearsandwhy I decidedit's notforme.
Sotogiveyouguys a littlebackground, I wasbornandraisedinGoodallsuburbanMaryland.
Oh, yeah, thenation's leastsignificantstate.
Now.
I wasnotlike a suburbsgal.
I wassoexcitedtomovesuperfarawayto a bigcityandto, like, achievebigthingsinHollywoodorwhateverindustry.
I endedupinthesummerafter I graduatedfromhighschool, when I was 18 yearsold, I movedallbymyselfouttoLosAngeles.
I literally, likepackedtwosuitcasesandflewmyselfacrossthecountryandmovedintoanapartmentwithcompletestrangersfromFacebook.
And I havebeenlivingin L.
A eversince I wenttofilmschool.
I gotmydegreeat U C.
L A.
Intwoand 1/2 years.
God, that's notsorry.
That's reallyaboutit.
So I'm justtryingtoexplainthetimelineherenow.
I graduatedaroundeightmonthsagoand a littlebitbefore I graduated.
I movedintothisapartmentthat I'm currentlylivinginwhere I liveallbymyself.
Now, atthispoint, YouTubewastakingoff.
I think I hadlike, 800,000 subscribers, soitwasbecomingmoreof a fulltimejob.
But I wasprettysurethatoverall, formylongtermcareergoals.
I stillwantedtobe a screenwriter, whichwaswhatmyconcentrationwasinschool.
So I figured I'm justgonnastayin l A fortherestofmylife.
A, I startedthinkingaboutwhat I actuallywantedtodowithmylife.
Just a simplequestion, Ashleigh.
I havereallytaken a stepbackrecentlyandthoughtaboutwhat I wantmyfuturetolooklike, what I wanttobedoingfiveyearsfromnow, I nolongerthinkthatstreamwritingisgonnabethenextstepinmycareer, asYouTubehasobviously, like, blownupquite a lot.
Thisisnowmyfulltimejob, anditis a jobthat I'm fortunateenoughtobeabletodoanywhere.
Butofcourse, YouTubedoesn't lastforever.
And I'm actuallyreallyexcitedforthisnextchapterofmylifetofocusmuchmoreonaspirations.
OutsideofYouTube, I designed a jewelrycollectionthispastyear, andeventhatsmalltasteofdesigningsomethingwasoneofthemostexcitingandgratifyingexperiencesofmylife.
Itwasjustsocooltoseesomethinggofrom a sketchto a realproduct.
Thiodothephotographyandmodeling, anditwasjustsuch a coolprocess.
What I reallywanttofocusonintheyearstocomeisbuilding a clothingbusiness, andthatissomethingthatyoucandoin L.
A.
Butit's not a necessitytodoin L.
A.
Andinfact, I'm immediatelyregrettingfilminggoeson a rooftop.
Thatissomethingthat I coulddoin L.
A.
Butit's alsosomethingthat I coulddoin a lotofothercitiesintheworld.
Soallofthatis a longwayofsayingthat I realizedforthefirsttimethat I don't I needtostayin L.
A.
Formycareer.
I alsothinkit's verymuch a myththatyouneedtobein L.
A inordertodoYouTubeandInstagram.
Yes, I dotakemeetingshere.
Mymanagerliveshererightnow.
Thereare a lotofkindoflikeagenciesandeventsandstufflikethat.
ButallofthatissoaroundtheedgescomparedThiotherealworkofYouTube, whichisjustsittinginfrontof a cameraandthensittingbehind a computerandeditingitfor, like, threehours.
Andthat's all.
Somethingthat I coulddoanywhere.
Alsoon a morepersonallevel.
Uh, l A hasjustbeen I'veexperienced a lotofgrowingpainshere.
I havefelttheloneliest I haveeverfelt.
I havefeltthemostdepressed I haveeverfelt.
I havebeen, like, themostselfdestructive I'veeverbeen.
And I wouldlovetheopportunityThiokindofstartfreshandopen a newchapterinmylife.
Therewasliterally a manlikeon a unitcycleSegwayjustlikeblastingmusicfromhisboombox.
Wow.
L a is a place.
Hi.
Okay, somycameraranoutofbattery, so I'm onmyothercamera, whichisactually a bettercamera.
Butrecently I'vebeenfilmingonmyshittycameracauseitmakesmefeellike a littlebitmorecomfortablethanmybigActually.
Nicecamera.
whichisstupid, becausethereason I boughtthisnicecamerawassothat I couldhavebetterqualityvideos.
Butnowitmakesmenervous, uh, talkingtoitbecause I I am a littlebitscaredofyouguyssometimesbecausetherearesomanyofyouand I cannotbelikabletotwomillionpeople.
Personalstuffaside, I wantedtobreakdownsomeoftheprosandconsthat I'veexperiencedlivingin L A overthepastthreeyears.
Incaseyouguysarethinkingaboutmovinghere, incaseyou'rejustlikewonderingwhat l a reallylikehereismytakeonit.
Dome a favoranddonottakeanyofthispersonallyifyoulivein l.
A.
Andhelove l.
A.
Ifyoulivein a differentpartof l.
A thanme, ifyouhad a different l A experience, then, like I'm nottryingtodetractfromthatatall.
Thesearejustallofmyopinionsbasedoffofsomebodywho's livedinWest L.
A inmidcityandwhohasalsogonetofilmschoolhereandworksinsocialmedia.
So I havekindofmingledwith a verylike, stereotypically l a groupofpeople.
I'm gonnabe, like, complaining a lotabout L.
A inthisvideo, but I don't meanto, like, actlikethesearethebiggestfuckingproblemsintheworld.
Before I had a carhere, I didusethebussystemforlike a yearand 1/2 anditcangetyouplaces.
I thinkthebussystemisconstantlybeingimproved, buttobecompletelyhonest, likeitis, stillaskwhen I hadtotakethebustomyinternshiphalfofthetime, thebusjustwouldn't showuporitwouldshowuplike 20 minuteslate, andatthatpoint.
Itmakesitincrediblydifficulttoactually, likescheduleyourdayaroundpublictransitbecauseit's just a fuckingwildcard, whetherit's gonnacomeornot.
Obviously, I'm sofortunate I wasabletobuy a car, too, justlikeescapethatproblem.
Andtherearethousandsofpeoplein L.
A whoactuallyhavetotaketwobusestoworkeverydayandhavetospendlikeanextrahourcatchinganearlierbustomakesureifthebusdoesn't come, thattheywon't belateforworkandstufflikethat.
That's a muchlargerproblemthanjustlikeit's hardtogoandseemyfriendsin L.
A.
But I'm gonnastillcomplainaboutitanyways.
Allofthisistosaythat L.
A is a drivingcity.
Butdrivingisveryhardbecauseifyouhitrushhour, whichisprettymuch, I wouldsay 8 a.m. to 11 a.m. andthen 4 p.m. To 7 p.m. whichislikenearlyallday.
Oneofthethingsthat I missabouttheEastCoastislikepeoplebeingrealwithyouandbeingmeantoyouandmakingfunofyouandlikepointingoutyourflawsandteasingeachother.
Butdeepdown, youknowthatyoureallycareabouteachotherand I don't know, that's lovely.
That's whatfriendshipistome.
I wouldalsosayoverall, L A cultureisveryimageoriented.
Peopletalkabouttheirdietssomuchhere.
I literally, like, wannastabmyselfIfanotherguyon a datetalksabouthisSkeetodietlike, I literally I don't give a shit.
I'm sosorry.
I don't carenow.
Obviously I'm biasedbecause I workwith a lotofpeopleintheentertainmentindustry.
But I havefoundoverall, I'veseen a lotofmorepeoplewithplasticsurgery, a lotmorepeopletalkingabouttheirdiets, pickingaparttheirappearance.
Ah, lotmorepeoplejustrelyontheirappearanceas a signifierofselfworth.
Where I comefrom, likeyourprideinyourself, comesfromyourintellectandyourachievementsandthatlaythosereallyarethingsthat I'veseenpeoplebeasproudofastheyareoftheirappearanceorfameandthoseair, justlikenotvaluesthat I wanttofocuson.
Thosearen't valuesthat I connectwith, although I dothinktheirvaluesthat I haveledtogettomyheadand a littlebitandlike I wantThioStopthatAdmittedlylike I startedcarryingwaymoreaboutmyappearanceeversince I livedin L.
A.
And I, like, wanttostopthatbecauseit's notsomethingthat's worththat.
Muchofmybrainpoweralsorelatedtoimage.
I'venoticedthat L.
A has a verywhiteblonde, skinnyideal, andit's veryhardtodescribe, likewherethatcomesfrom.
It's justsomethingyoufeelonceyougetto L.
A.
I thinkit's allthemovieposters.
It's thewaythatpeopletreatyou.
It's whopeopletalkabout, isbeingattractive, and I thinkthat's changing.
I thinkpeopleareembracingdiversity a lotmoreButcomparedtoothercitiesintheworld, L.
A, forallofitsliberalideals, reallyhasnotcaughtupintermsofembracingwoman's beautyandalltheformsthatcomeson a personallevel.
I havehonestly, neverfeltmoreselfconsciousaboutmyrace.
CaliforniaisoneofthemostentrepreneurialplacesyouwilleverbethatappliestoSanFranciscoand L.
A.
There's nostigmaforworkingforyourselfforfreelancing, evenforlikeworkingat a coffeeshoptomakeendsmeetwhileyoupursuesomethingthatyoulove, I thinkthatcouldbereallyfreeingin a wayforpeoplewhoreally, like, wanttogoforit.
That's a growthphrase, kindofcomeintomysexualityhere.
Andit's been a coolplacetodothatbecause I had a lotofinternalizedstigmaabouthavingsexaboutfeelingslutty, and L A hasdefinitelyhelpedfreemeofthat.
Sothat's beenlovely.
Let's talkaboutdatingin L.
A, whichisobviouslynotthemostimportantthingtoconsiderin a city.
Butwhatever, it's funtotalkabout.
Mymanagerand I werehaving a conversationinNewYorkaboutwhetherguysarehotterin L.
A orNewYork, andmytakeisthatguys, ordefinitelyphysicallymoreattractivein a way, literallylike I haveneverseen a higherconcentrationofbeautifulwellgroomed, tonedmenliketheyhavetheirshittogether.
I thinkthepressuretolookbeautifulisequallylikeonguysandgirlsin L.
A.
Thereareobjectivelymorehotguysin l.
A.
Butifyouspot a hotguyinNewYork, he's almostguaranteedtohave a suitand a jobandbeatleastsomewhatinteresting.
Firstislikein L.
A.
Honestly, they'rejust a lotofpeoplewithemptypersonalities.
In a way, I'm sosorrytosayit.
I thinkthedifferenceisthatpeoplein L.
A cansurviveofftheirlooksbecauseyourlookscanbeyourjobin L.
A.
Butinothercities, yourlookscan't beyourentirejob.
Sopeoplehavetolike, haveotherinterestsagain.
Thisis a stereotype.
Youcouldbehotand a reallyinterestingperson, but I thinkthey'remuchhardertofinditout.
I met a coupleofguysinpersonin L.
A.
But I wouldsayoverallmostpeoplewillmeetthroughdatingAPSjustbecause L.
A issospreadoutandthenightlifeisnotquiteasrobustasitisn't somewherelikeNewYorksoit's a littlebithardertomeetlikepeoplespontaneously.
Ultimately, I amgladthat I cameouttofilmschoolherebecauseif I hadgonetoschoolanywhereelse, I wouldn't havebeenabletoactuallyinterninthefilmindustry.
I wouldn't haveliterallyseen, likemoviesandTVshowsgettingfilmedonmystreeteverysingleweek.
Ithasbeen a reallyeducationalexperiencetobesurroundedandtrulyinthefilmindustry, soyeah, I wouldn't necessarilydiscourageanybodyfromlivinginourlife, but I thinkthatittakes a veryspecifictypeofpersontoenjoy L.
A.
I thinkthatyou'lllike l A Ifyou'refromtheWestCoast, ifyou'reveryconfidentifyouenjoynatureandkindofhealthrelatedthings, ifyou'reanextroverted, outgoingpersonwhocouldmaybeovercomesomeofthatsocialfrictionandreallygooutofyourway.
Thiomeetpeople.
I got a d m.
A whileagofrom a subscriberwholivedin L.
A.
Herentirelife, andshesaidthatmyissueswith L.
A arereallyjustprojectionsofmyowninsecurities, whichshereallydidn't havetocomeformelikethat.
No, I don't blameher.
I thinkthatshe's actuallyquiterightandthat a lotofthethingsthat I considerCollinsabout l.
I metseveralpeoplewholiterallydidn't askmewhatmyjobwasuntil, likeoursecondorthirdtimehangoutandwehardlyevertalkedaboutwork.
Andforsomebodywho's workedreallylikeenvelopesherentirelife, thatwasreally, reallyrefreshingformewhenpeoplefinallyaskedmewhat I didand I waslike, Oh, I workonYouTubeandInstagramThey'rejustlikeOkay, cool.
So I boughtthisnewelectricscooterandit's beenreallyconvenienttogetyoutowork.
Theyliterallyjustdidn't careaboutmyjobatall.
Somewhatironically, I amconstantlytryingThiojustmakemyownjobandmyselfseemlessimportant.
Andit's alwaysnicetobein a placewhere I'm remindedthat's myjob.
It's just a job.
It's notwhatdefinesme.
I have a lifeoutsideofmyjob.
I couldbe a personoutsideofmyjob.
I alsoreallylovethatinLondon.
Everybodyreallyisfrom a differentcountry.
I wastheonlyAmericanintheroomforlike, thefirsttimeinprobablymyentirelife, anditwassocooltozoomoutfromkindofthedaytodayconversations I haveinAmerica, whichareverymuchlikeaboutwork.
And, youknow, didyouseethismovie, etcetera, tozoomoutandbelike, Oh, whatwasSwedishculturelikelike, couldyoutellmeaboutmidsummerandhavingthosezoomedoutconversationsabouttheworldreallyhelpedmegain a littlebitmoreperspective.
Itismindblowing, and I alsolovethesenseofhistoryThere.
I feltlikethebuildingswere a constantreminderthat, youknow, societyhasexistedsomuchlongerbeforeme, anditwillsomuchlongeraftermeandagain, like, I likethatcomfortingfeelingthat I don't actuallymatterthatmuch.
Publictransitisabsolutelyincredible.
Itisexpensive, butitisclean.
Itisefficient.
Itwilltakeyouanywhereonalsolikethetrainsystem, evenifyouwanttogooutsideofLondonlike I took a tripuptoCambridgeanditwasreally, reallyeasytohoponthetrain.
I didn't needtotake a singleovermyentiretimethat I wasinLondon, andthatwasreally, reallynice.
Eventhough I like I workformyselfonYouTube, I technicallyown a corporation, so I wouldhavetodealwithinternationaltaxesandlaws, whichisdefinitelysomethingthat I canovercomebutwouldpresent a challenge.
I thinktheother, moresignificantdisadvantageformewouldbestarting.
A clothingcompanywouldbehardinLondon, especiallygiventhatmymainaudienceandmymainconsumerbasewouldbehereinAmericaandespeciallyif I wanttofocusonvintageclothing.
Americahas a muchmorerobustvintagewholesalingenvironment.
Sothey'resomeofmyclosestfriendsnow, and a lotofthemaremovinguptoNewYorkthissummeraftertheygraduatecollege.
Sothat'llbereallyexciting.
Itjustfeelslike I have a familyinNewYorkalready.
Obviously, I don't wanttomakemylifechoicesjustbasedonwheremyfriendsare, becauseitiscompletelypossibletomakenewfriends.
But I thinkasyougrowup, yourealizehowimportantfriendsareandhowrareitistofindfriendsthatyoureallyconnectwithandthatreallycareabouthuman.
No, yougranted, Evenifthosefriendsdidn't movetoNewYork, thereissomethingtobesaidabout.
JustlikeNewYorkcultureclickswithme a lotmore.
It's reallyhardtoputintowords, buthavinggrownupontheEastCoast, there's justlike a wayofinteractingawaythatpeoplecarrythemselvesaway, thattheyexpressthemselvesandthattheytreatotherpeoplethatlike I deeply, I understanditclickswithme.
Itfeelsfamiliar.
I know a lotofpeoplewhodrivethinkthatthesubwaysucksmore, thatit's crowdedandit's smelly, whichiskindof a sometimes, butit's stillreally a vision, andithonestlyencouragesneedtogetoutmorebecausedrivingjustlikemixing.
You'regetting a carcrash, andit's nicetakingthisawayfeelingkindofjustlikesubmityourselftothesystem.
Itistheway I'llbedelayed.
Butthereisn't reallyanythingthat I candoaboutitbecause I feellikewhenyou'redriving, you'rejustlikeconstantlyagreeingotherpeopleover, likemakingyou a timebitslower.
I alsothinkit's nicethatthesubwayislike a greatequalizerofpeople, especiallyinlikethesummerwhenit's supersuperHans, sweatyandlike.
Howbigismybonusdriventypeofculture, which I don't necessarilybuywith?
I thinkthatthereareprostothatandthat I'm young.
I wanttobuildsomethingformyself.
andit'llmotivatemetoworkreallyhard.
ButNewYorkwashonestlylikethefirstplace I hadeverseensomebodytalkabouttheirsalaryorliketalkaboutthecompanytheywereatasifitwaslike a prestigiouscollege, thatthey'vegottenintothatkindofrubmethewrongwaybecause I don't likeit.
ButobviouslythatisjustlikeonesegmentofNewYork, andit's definitely a partoftheculturethat I couldavoidsurroundingmyselfwiththerightpeople.
Sothatallbringsmetomyfinaldecision.
Sobasically, howhemadethischoicewas I wassittingonthetrainand I wasjournalingfor, like, twohourstryingtotalkthroughallofmythoughtsaboutshould I movedtoLondon?
Should I reallystartovernew?
Should I have a completelydifferentexperience?
Should I movetoNewYorkwhereitfeels a littlebitmorelikehomewithmyfriendsandpeoplethat I knowandreallylikehustletobuildsomething?
And I wasstuckbetweenthetwo.
I couldnotdecide.
So I got 1/4 and I promisedmyselfthatifitlandedonheads, I wouldmovetoNewYorkand I landedontails.
I wouldmovetoLondon.
I flippedthequarterrightthereonthetrainanditwasoneofthosethingswerelikeinthesplitsecond.
I reallydolovetheculturethere, but I thinkthenextstepformebeingyoungandwantingtobuild a businessandalsojustlikewantingtohavesomesluttyfuntimesinNewYork, I thinkthatNewYorkistherightcityforme.
I thinkit's likedon't metaphorthatmylifeislike a train.
Atfirst, when I wasyounger, I thoughtthatthetrainwasalwaysgoingtoleadmeto a destination, andthatwasgonnabelikemyendgameWhen I had a familyand I had a houseand I had a career.
Andnow I thinkofitintermsof I don't fuckingknowwherethetraingoes, Goin.
I don't knowifiteverstops, butinthemeantime, I'm justgettingoffhereandthey'reenjoying a chapterofmylifeandthengettingbackonthetrainandgointothenextplace.
Sofornow, NewYorkisthenextplace.
Butwhoknowswhat's gonnabenext?
Yeah, thatwas a cheesymetaphor.
I'm justsoseated.
D'oh!
I don't know, make a changeandhopefullymakemylifebetter.
Yeah, I'm moving.
I'm movingsosoon.
Andrightnow I know.
I'm gonnacommentaboutit.
I ameditingmyapartmentmakeover, sohopefullythat's gonnabeoutnextweek.
I promiseyouguysthat I willfinishitbefore I moved.
I'm haveto, like, sellmycar.
I havetobookmyticketstoNewYork.
I haveapartmenthunt, sothere's a lotgoingonrightnow, but I'm just, like, excitedforallofit.
Ofcourse.
I wantedtosaythankyouforyouguysforsupportingmethroughkindof a weirdtimethepastcouplemonths.
Honestly, I thinkeversince I graduated, I'vejustbeen, likein a funk.